POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Nicole Richie has a new Boyfriend

Nicole Richie and.....Matt Dillon?? It seems Matt Dillon must be a fan of the Corpse Bride...or mummified corpses in general. The source of these rumours comes from a witness who saw them getting "cozy" and "cuddling" at a Hollywood hotspot recently. Cuddling? Cuddling with Nicole Richie I would think is similar to my weekends I spend hugging my Swiffer Wet-Jet. She is the skinniest woman I have ever seen since Skeletor was in drag...um, I mean ever since I've fantasized about Skeletor in drag...

I'm surprise Nicole Richie was able to even meet a man..between auditioning for Golden Girls and acting in the Anne Frank Story you would think she'd have too much going on to meet a man.

Go eat something and then read the proof here.

Lead Singer of Nickleback Arrested

Being a proud Canadian I like to write about other Canadians as much as I can. Unfortunately this time it's about the lead singer of Nickleback.

The Royal Canadian Mounties in Surrey, in B.C.'s Lower Mainland, say Chad Kroeger was arrested June 22 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I'd be more inclined to believe he was arrested for being under the influence of being a butt-ugly douchebag. Seriously, I'd rather make out with the guy from Twisted Sister then to even sit beside Chad Kroeger (because we all know that ugliness is contageous - like HIV or Ebola).

We all make mistakes and I really shouldn't judge Chad. I've driven drunk before, but when I'm driving drunk it's usually on my 10-speed bike with a 24 of beer on the handle bars with my toothless wife in the babyseat. That's cool though, because I'm "country"

Here's the story, yo!

Britney gets Naked while Random Cases of Vomiting on the Rise

I tell you - if I wanted people to leave me alone you know what I'd do? That's right, pose nude in a magazine! It makes perfect sense; I mean it's about a low profile as a seizure. Yep, Britney has again followed up on her words with entirely different actions, to quote Green Day, she's nothing more then a walking contradiction.

Within 2 weeks of her tearful interview with Dateline asking to be left alone, Britney will be featured in Harper's Bazaar in the upcoming issue nude (a-la Demi Moore in the early 1990s).

Britney is like the drunken girl at the party who is sobbing in the corner and every time you ask her what's wrong she'll say 'it's nothing' and continues to loudly sob. Either that or because I told her I'd kill her cat if she talked.

I'm not one to criticize, I cry at parties all the time. And by parties I mean 'watching Fried Green Tomatoes by myself drinking cosmopolitans' and by criticize I mean 'I'm not gay..honest...'

Please see the full photo spread here.

Spiderman is the New Britney Spears?

No, I never played D&D or ever mastered any games on my PC...heck...I've never even laid a finger on Warcraft. Then why do I feel like such a nerd as I'm typing this entry?

Rarely do I plug movies like this - but this is an exception. Spiderman 3 is out next year and there is a fantastic trailer already online to get us all jacked. A la Blackula he's in the black costume and ready to kick butt! Watch it here, nerds.

Now excuse me as I put on my Spiderman underoos and scale a building and save the day...errrr....perhaps a step ladder in my khakis?

Nicole Gets Married; In Related News, Tom Cruise Still Gay

Congratulations Nicole! It's nice to see Nicole wearing the puffy sleeves this time and not Tom. I wonder how her life will now change that she's married to a straight man and not one who will prance around in her costumes from Moulin Rouge? Not to mention, unlike Tom, Keith doesn't need to shop at Gap Kids to find a good fit.

Look at her though; she looks like a deranged china doll. Her face is so shiny too! It's like me after I have a sauna while eating a grease sandwich while signing show tunes from the Broadway musical Grease! Cut down on that shine Nicole, I hear a nice Primrose Oil could help...because it's starting to look like I could fry up a whole chicken on your face alone.

In any event- way to marry a straight man this time! Read more about it here.

Tomkat's Baby just won't Sell

As per the latest Hollywood trend, apparently the Cruises' attempted to sell photos of their 'baby' to the highest bidder. However, here's the problem; they didn't get enough money and rescinded the offer. Wow - that's awkward, putting yourself out there like that only to get rejected? That's kinda like that time I asked my high school crush to the dance and she said no, so I kicked her in the face and ran off - yeah I know that's not cool, I would have apologized but the trial took up most of my senior year...but my kickboxing career really took off after that.

Back to Suri - now, I'm no baby photographer or even a boyscout leader, but isn't this Xenu's baby? Isn't that worth something? I mean the alien baby could have wings...Or perhaps Katie's herpes (see picture here) transferred to the baby and the baby is too hideous to put into print?

Theory #2: there is no baby. It's as faked as the moon landing or Tom's hetero status.

I'm just happy the Church of Scientology didn't get their hands on the money (which I'm sure would have been the end result). Fox News has more on the story here.

Jessica Simpson or Latoya Jackson?

Alright, yo - here it is, the Jessica Simpson nose-job pic. Take it in and enjoy.

Jessica Simpson's New Single

Check out Jessica Simpson's new single 'A Public Affair' here.

This is probably the first time I've ever felt something was too 80s for my tastes. Did Miami Sound Machine reunite? Listen to it, it's terrible. It seem as though her manager/boyfriend Joe Simpson is spending too much time on Ashlee's career to notice that Jessica is releasing such crap. If only Joe put as much time managing Jessica as he does ogling her, she's be a superstar.

Speaking of 80s; have you seen Jessica's new nose? Following her sister's lead she's made a visit to the plastic surgeon and as a result has gotten a nose job reminiscent of Jacko's back in '87 - check it out here.

Aaron Spelling goes to the Peach Pit in the Sky

When Aaron walks through the pearly gates and is greated by Jesus/Jewish God/Budda/Tom Cruise and is asked "what have thou done to earn thine place in heaven, my son Aaron Spelling?' what do you think he'll throw out first? TJ Hooker or Fantasy Island? Tough call. Maybe he should mention casting his daughter (the ugly horse-faced girl) in 90210, that was charity in it's finest form.

The only human whose ever been closer to resembling Yoda, Aaron Spelling is dead at 83, read about his career here. For a laugh, check out Tori Spelling's fan site.

Backstreet Boys just got a little less creepy, yo!

Well it looks like all good things eventually come to an end. Facism, the Great Depression and of course, the Backstreet Boys.

Now, was it just me, or did any else find it frightning that a man in his 30s was singing in a boyband and dedicating his love songs to all the 11 year old girls in the audience?

Well worry no more! The "big brother figure/creepy old man" of the group Kevin Richardson of has decided to leave the band and pursue other projects. What's next for Kevin? Well if his BSB career is any indication, I'm sure before we know it we'll hear about him cruising myspace for 14 year old girls. You're all class Kevin, you'll be missed!

Please see Kevin's myspace page here to read more.

Jay-Z's Got 99 Problems and the Drink is One

I think we've just established how huge the buying power of the hip-hop community truly is...

Jay-Z has gone the extra mile in his boycott of a certain alcoholic drink - he is removing all references to Cristal Champagne from the lyrics to his songs. Whoa, that's huge. Why do I feel as though that would be like Michael Jackson no longer singing about children?

Does this mean he's going to start rapping about zinfandel or hard apple cider? I just can't see how he plans to rhyme 'sparkling wine' with 'niggas', he's got a long road ahead of him...

Do I think that the Managing Director of Cristal Champagne is a racist? Probably. But I also think any one who'll spend $300 on a bottle of champagne just to solidify their 'cred' makes them a huge douchbag.

Is that dirt on your shoulder? Read about Jay-Z here.

Justin to Cameron Diaz: 'Welcome to Splitsville, population: YOU'

Cameron Diaz is apparently too clingy and Justin Timberlake wants to sew his wild oats while on tour, according to the New York Post.

Ladies and gentlemen: isn't this the ONLY reason we break up with women? We want space and we want poon! Geez, and she's acting shocked? When will women understand?

And Justin; it's about time, the older she's getting the more Cameron has been turning into the joker, I mean look at her face...ah well, I guess we all knew this relationship would end before Justin could grow his first real beard.

More on the break up here.

Britney: Back in Black!

Isn't black supposed to be slimming?

Britney has been spotted in NYC (sans-manny) walking around "incognito" with her hair dyed black. Didn't Paris' jaunt in Toronto teach you anything Britney? This isn't like Superman - you don't just put on a pair of dark-rimmed glasses and assume that you're fooling everyone. But then again, maybe that's how they do it when they're "country".

You think this look will last? I dunno - I hear once you go black you can't go back. Read more here.

Brit and K-Fed's Family "Vacation"

ewww...take a look at that picture - swimming around in diapers, with all that filth seeping out into the ocean - gross!! I think I'm going to be sick.

Not to mention having the baby swimming in diapers is pretty gross too.

So after Brit's public meltdown on Dateline claiming that everything is cool with her marriage, the happy couple takes a vacation FROM THEMSELVES. Yes, Apparently Britney rented 2 houses, one for her and the other for K-Fed. According to a friend, she wanted to relax and to do so she prefers not to see that mooch husband of hers. Wow, I had no idea that was the formula for a great marriage. I guess it is when you're "country".

I used to take family vacations, this looks nothing like it. These three look so dishevelled and disgusting I thought this was a picture of the most recent Cuban refugees trying to swim their way to freedom. Go! Cuba Libre!

More on the story here. If there is a god the next series of photos will reveal the shark underwater that will eventually kill them all.

"Hot" New Couple - Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy

If you had a choice would you rather

(a) take a bear trap in the crotch or
(b) see Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy french kiss?

Yeah I'd take the crotch mutilation too. I can't believe how disgusting them kissing looks - I have a feeling they'd dress up like clowns in the bedroom and just keep one upping eachother to see who can be the most obnoxious. Gross.

I think I'd rather see K-Fed make out with Stephen Hawkings and with Ryan Seacrest in the corner smoking a cigarette and reading 'Chicken Soup for the Grandmother's Soul' in his sexiest , quietest voice. Read more about their relationship here.

Heidi Klum and Seal Pregnant Again..

Heidi got impregnated by a Seal? Did someone forget to lock the door at the zoo?

Why do hot women marry such ugly men with big moles on their faces and procreate with them? I'd like to see Seal move to Newfoundland during the seal hunt - his mole-ridden face is so hideous even Greenpeace can't justify stopping that clubbing! They only care about the cute seals...

More about the hideously miss-matched couple here

Backstage Tales from the MMVAs: Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling

Much Music in Toronto celebrated their annual Much Music Video Awards on Sunday night. Unfortunately I didn't make the after-party as planned (it was the same night as my dwarf tossing league), but thanks to my backstage informants we still got some great stories to tell:

Dirty Paris spread her disease up north by making out with the goaltender for the Colorado Avalanche, Jose Theodore at the after-party...Isn't that interesting, considering he is married and has 3 month old son waiting for him at home. I just hope he doesn't kiss his baby with that mouth - remember that diseased monkey from Outbreak? That's nothing compared to what Baby Theodore could become.

Tori Spelling's husband, actor Dean McDermott, had his ex-wife show up for the pre-party causing a bit of an awkward situation. Well like any good wife, Tori had her thrown out, falsely claiming that Dean had a restraining order against her. We could judge Tori here people, but this could all be a misunderstanding, Tori could have mistaken Dean's ex-wife with that Mexican stripper that he actually has the restraining order against. Is it just me or does this remind you of the time she kicked David out of the Peach Pit for wanting to get to 3rd base? Man, one powerful episode indeed...

Brad Pitt's new co-star: Billy Bob Thorton!!

It's true.

Brad Pitt is teaming up with an unusually hideous co-star on his upcoming project, Peace Like A River. And it's non other than Angelina Jolie's ex-husband Billy Bob Thorton.

Isn't there another ugly man in Hollywood he can cast? Can we bring Andre the Giant back to life to play this part? Or perhaps Brad is looking to expedite his break up with Angelina by causing a bit more tension in an already failing relationship. Truth is, Brad is just freaking out as the rate his new family is growing - Angelina is adopting kids like they're handbags and he's got no say. This is really his only way out (unless faking his own death is out of the question).

Or maybe he's hoping that him and Billy Bob will have an altercation on set and fight to the death. Either way, it'll give me material to write about.

Read about it here from the China Daily. Yeah, apparently they have COMPUTERS in China now...who knew? And it also seems they have access to the "information superhighway" thanks to their "modems". And all this time I thought they were sitting in front of Lite Brites, is my face red? I think so.

Britney Spears is the New Tom Cruise

Did anyone see Britney's interview on Dateline last week? It's sad to see a past pop queen fall so hard to become nothing more then a clinically retarded soccer-mom who can't string a proper sentence together. All this time I thought it was Sean Preston who would show the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome first, I'll admit I was wrong.

My favourite quote of the night is that she wants to start her own magazine to help set the record straight. Now frankly, I'm conflicted on this one. As much as I love to read about beef jerky, NASCAR and various ways to shotgun a can of Bud, I think she should stick to what she's best at; changing her baby on dirty store floors....or was it changing her baby when she's driving? No wait, didn't she say her son was her religion? And does that mean Sean Preston is Jesus? Does that then mean she's still a virgin?

My advice? Go to the Piggly Wiggly, eat your Cheetos and pray to Sean Preston that he'll give you your career back.

See the interview transcript here

Paris does Toronto

Paris does Toronto? In related news: An Outbreak of syphilis has overtaken Canada.

It just makes me feel dirty that Paris Hilton was in my hometown of Toronto, she was drinking my water, breathing my air...ewww...I'd rather share a sleeping bag with Hitler, Richard Simmons and Walt Disney's frozen head! I think the whole city needs to take a communal shower to wash off the dirt from that encounter.

Have a look at the picture - Paris wore a black wig hoping to disguise herself from the crowds and photogs (and maybe also her pimp?). Wearing a wig hoping to disappear the crowd? Nice try, but a trick that would really impress me if she could make her herpes disappear.

Hilary Duff and I have something in Common!

To be filed under 'great PR moves' Hilary Duff has claimed publicly that she's a virgin. Hilary Duff a virgin? Yeah right! And Ernest Hemingway was sober and Oscar Wilde was straight! Has she taken a cue from past popstars? Does she not know this isn't a good idea?

By Hilary saying she's a virgin is like me saying I am one of the greatest lovers of all time! You would think that she would learn her lesson from a similar virgin, who now eats Hamburger Helper and lives with the biggest piece of white trash in history.

If you look to the right of this article you'll see a picture of Hilary Duff with a condom in her bag. Now, unless she had a wicked-cool water balloon fight and didn't invite me, I'm assuming she's getting it on.

Here's the deets

Engagement of the Moment: Jennifer Vaughn?

It's official, the couple who filmed the break-up are hooking it up! Trust me, this is nothing like the time I ordered that Russian mail-order bride, this is the real thing!

There are too many factors to discount this story; a publicist calling Jennifer Aniston "Jennifer Vaughn", reports that the stars have already selected a 9.5 carat canary diamond worth about $500,000 (nothing compared to the high school ring that I give my 'special ladies' - ok, ok, that's too special, but can we say 'football jacket'?) and reports are that Vince has a 'very special announcement' (according to Jen's friends) to reveal in Paris.

Apparently they want to make known the happy occasion as soon as they can, however Jen feels it's just too close to the birth of Shiloh and it may then be cheapened as a reactionary move. Yeah, right - I think they just want to keep it on the down low for a while since it's been just a few weeks since Jen and I broke up...errr...I mean since I DUMPED her...(and by that I mean I ripped up all my posters of her since she hasn't responded to my emails).

What the scoop? Well here it is biatches...

Britney + Thongs + Dirty Diapers = Toxic!

When Brit sang the song 'Toxic' was she talking about this? According to US Magazine (not to be confused with Huge Asses Weekly...trust me, I'll never make that mistake again) Britney has no problems changing Sean Preston in public.

It seem that in a Victoria Secrets location in Mission Viejo, California, Britney was buying a few pink thongs (for K-Fed perhaps?) and then decided to change Sean Preston's diaper in the store, ON THE FLOOR! Then, she even attempted to hand the dirty diaper to a employee for them to dispose of (to which they politely declined). There are too many things wrong with this story; treating a store like you own it? Treating store employees like they work for you? And finally - dirty floors, believe it or not, are not healthy for babies...

What is Britney using as a guide to raise her child? 'How to Raise Children with Ebola'? Because that's what my mom used and I'm totally normal. Now who turned off my iron lung??

Read it here peeps!

Jessica Simpson's New Man/Victim

Not since the Jews for Jesus had that wicked street fight with the Scientologists has there ever been such a messed up train wreck like the new relationship that I'm going to reveal:

Jessica Simpson and Jared Leto.

Seriously, if the guy had any taste he'd hit the surgically enhanced younger sister Ashlee or even the brains of the operation Joe Simpson! Is this a publicity stunt for Jared's new movie about that fat guy that shot the famous guy? I think that this is as faked as the moon landing, the bulge in my pants or Katie Holmes' pregnant belly and stolen baby.

Check 'dis out HERE it's for real!

Welcome to our New Look!

The popculturepundit may look a tad smoother, but it's still as edgy as ever! Due to hugey-mcmassive traffic and increased attention the site has been receiving I've decided to tidy up a little. We have a few changes:

Now you can google past posts on the site (scroll to the bottom to archives and try it out).

There are also links to some of my favourite sites at the bottom (sorry, no playgirl....yet....).

You can now contact me using that handy link on the header (just don't email me if you're looking for me to cure your leprosy, I'm not Jesus....I'm just a man...a man with an amazing body).

Don't worry, the "in-your-face-mofo!" attitude will never change - no matter how pretty this biatch gets. You'll still hear about celeb break ups, babies, affairs and my sad sad love life (that consists of drunk dials, dating my cousins and breaking up not with words, but by peeing on the house plants - try it sometime).

Keep reading - you'll find pics of Gwen's baby (from Ok Magazine), read the latest on Jen/Angelina/Brad and read on Britney's mothering skills (I rather have a Yeti babysit my kids then her personally..) Thanks for your interest and keep reading yo!

What do you think of the redesign? Contact me with your comments!

Gwen, Gavin and Baby: Straight from the Tabloids

Here's even more pictures for your viewing pleasure. Poor kid, soon enough he's going to grow up and find out i'm his real daddy, kinda like that time Mr.Drummund told Arnold and Willis they weren't really his sons...that was a very special episode indeed...special like Corky from Life Goes On...

Exclusive Pics! More of Gwen Stefani's Baby!

Exclusive Pics! Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's Baby!

Kingston James is in the house!! And before you say it, YES I am aware the baby looks remarkably like me - let's just keep that from Gavin for the time being.

Keep checking back for additional updates...

...now back to writing that dirty love letter to myself...and ordering flowers...

Angelina vs. Jen: Snub of the Century!

Sometimes when I try to call pretty girls on the phone it just rings and rings and rings and no one picks up. Then I go over to their houses and knock on the door only to find the lights are off and no one is home (but I swear I hear something in there and the lights where on a minute ago!). Then I follow them to work and confront them in front of their offices yelling 'Why don't you love me?? Answer the phone!! I want to have your babies!! I MADE YOU A MIXED TAPE!!'

Sad isn't it? Not as sad as the recent news from the Aniston/Pitt/Jolie camp. It seems they're acting like high school girls all over again. The story goes that Jennifer Aniston attempted to call and congratulate Brad on the recent birth of baby Shiloh - and Angelina blocked the call as she wants Jen out of Brad's life. I see nothing wrong with that. Once I was dating this girl and her ex-boyfriend called and asked for her, I promptly responded 'Oh, I'm sorry, she's dead'. Not only did it solve the problem of him calling, but I got a lovely floral arraignment out of the deal. Can we say 'win-win'?

Apparently Jen is now furious and accusing Angelina of changing Brad and keeping him from her. I'll be honest, Angelina could change me into a toilet seat at a truck stop and I'd just be flattered that she talks to me.

That's it for now - time to meet my probation officer. Read the rest of the story here. Word to your mother.

Mom of the Year Exclusive: Britney Spears Does Dateline

How bad of parent do you have to be to go on Dateline to defend your status as a good mom? As bad of a mom as Britney Spears. Bill Mahr said it best 'you are what you are, not what you say', no matter what you tell us, your actions will always speak louder then words. Here is an excerpt of the interview which will be aired June 15th:

Spears ...opens up about the incident on Pacific Coast Highway where she was photographed with her son, Sean, on her lap in the car. She discusses the events that led to the situation and ultimately says, "I can't go anywhere without someone judging me...I did it with my dad. I'd sit on his lap and I drive. We're country." When asked if she was upset by the headlines that ensued questioning her parental judgment, Spears defends herself, saying, "I know I'm a good mom" ... (Source)

Now, I'm no doctor (prescribing drugs and prancing around my house in my nurse's uniform aside) however, I do know a thing or two about babies. First of all babies are mildly retarded and smell like poop, second of all, at 5 months babies need their heads supported at all times, as their balance and strength is still in a developmental phase (Sort of like K-Fed). You can cause serious damage if you don't keep their heads supported.

I'm also not a mechanic, but driving on the highway at top speed with an unsupported, unbelted, 5 month year old baby on your lap is probably not a great idea. All she's missing is two beer in each hand, a crack pipe and a bb gun. If I had my way, Brit would have the baby taken away from her by child services and sentenced to 6 months of living in my apartment. And marry me. And call me Poopsy "Huge" McPooper. Because I'm huge and Poopsy sounds cute. I love you.

David Beckham and Posh Spice Used to be Ugly

See that picture to your right? Guess who that is....

David and Victoria Beckham! Yes it's them, pre-plastic surgery, pre-multi billions, pre-total make over. They look like a regular couple. Two 'white-trash turds looking for a bulk deal on Hamburger Helper-type' couple.

It's amazing what a little bit of money can do. I mean just this weekend I met a lovely young lady at a local watering hole. I spend the entire evening paying for a whole bunch of her drinks - then by the end of the soiree she actually thought I was the hottest man on the planet! See what I mean? Money makes you hot, not athletic skill. If pure athleticism gets chicks why didn't I get more girls when I was Pee-Wee baseball team player of the year? Sure I was only 8 years old and had a rat-tail - but please, you should have seen the trophy!

So my advice to any future David Beckhams out there: make a poop-load of money and instead of blowing it all on plastic surgery and clothes, just get girls drunk, and I mean 'pee on the house plants, yell on the cell phone, google ex-boyfriends' drunk! I could gain 25 pounds and contract oral herpes and this plan is still win-win!

Someday you'll thank me for this.

Got an Ad? Bradgenlina or Brangelina Have Babies for Sale!

It's perhaps the most important time in anyone's life - the birth of their first born child. Brad and Angelina celebrated the birth of their first baby by selling the rights for the photos. But the money went straight to charity, so it's not wrong, right? What if I told you that another company used the event as a blatant opportunity to market a new product with Brad and Angelina's blessing? How would you feel about the couple then?

Well it seems that the birth of Shiloh was an incredible PR opportunity not to be missed. 5W (named one of the fastest growing PR companies in the world) secured the rights to place newly launched Belly Maternity products on little baby Shiloh in time for the photo shoot (www.5wpr.com). Wow, we hear all about the big money that goes to charity, but we never seem to here about what Bradgenlina kept in return for pimping their new baby. It's only been a few days - perhaps by the time it's a toddler they can give her a website and make money then too....oh wait, Angelina already bought the rights to a Shiloh sight*.

Selling your baby as ad space? Can we assume that Shiloh is the Antichrist now?

I can't blame them, it's a historical fact that Mary and Joseph sold the rights to baby Jesus to Gap Kids. So I guess when Brad and Angelina had the opportunity to make money they just asked 'What Would Jesus Do?'

* http://toronto.fashion-monitor.com/news.php/Celebrity_moms/2006060211Angelina-Jolie-Shilo

Read it here first - Britney's Manny is Revealed!

Who has that man been that's replacing K-Fed recently? The man who has been following Brit everywhere? The real father figure in Sean Preston's life? His name is Perry Taylor.

Who is Perry Taylor you ask? He's an ex-Navy Academy man who grew up in the Washington, D.C. area and he doesn't smell like puke and booze like K-Fed. But what I find so particularly fascinating is that Brit hired a MALE nanny with NO experience with kids and he's by her side 24/7. That's like me explaining to my wife why I keep hiring hot girls with no experience to clean my pool...well, first of all I have no wife or pool but most importantly, that hooker was dead in the pool when I found her officer..errr...where was I?

Right, to sum it up, Brit has been photographed more with this man over the last month then she and K-Fed have been in the past 6 months. Conclusion? K-Fed out, Perry Taylor in. Now does anyone know a good alibi?

Please see the story source here:


Lindsay Lohan's Coke Problem

Let me run a scenario by you. If I was a super-skinny rich actress (as opposed to the chiseled male model I currently am) and I was at a dinner table at a high class party and left 6 separate times in 2 hours to 'powder my nose' what would you think? That's what I was thinking...the operative word here is 'powder'. And I'm not talking about that pale, bald dude from the movie - I’m talking about the hard stuff, the real deal, GWB's drug of choice.

As if we didn't have enough dirt on Lindsay, now this...I think the drug is a great metaphor for Lohan's career, it's a powerful stimulant at first, but in the end it is extremely short lived.

My advice? If I was Lohan's PR person I'd tell her the following; if anyone at all asks about the incidents in question let's avoid all speculation of the coke habit by claiming diarrhea - trust me, the questions will stop there. Works for me when my boss asks me why I'm late.

Read what the NY Post is saying about the event:


33 Million ways to Love Tomkat

Would you marry Tom Cruise for $33 million dollars? Heck ya, I'd marry a goat for $5! I'd make out with a lamp for a drink I'd have sexual relations with a ball of Playdough for a bite of your sandwich...but my drinking problem aside; it seems Katie Holmes has sold her soul by accepting a crap-load of cash to marry Tom. But here’s the funny thing, it’s structured similar to an incentive contract normally given to pro athletes. The longer she stays with him, the more money she gets, $3 million a year up to $33 million.

Let’s analyze this: she can't divorce him now because she wants to maximize her gains - and if she tries to leave him before 11 years are up and she maxes out at $33 million she'll have no chance in a custody battle because she would just not be able to compete with his bankroll.

Oh Tom, you crazy gay scientologist...you can't buy your wife and hide your secrets with money and lawsuits. My thoughts: you are what you are, not what you pay people to believe. Now where is that sandwich?

Source here:


You Have the Right To Remain Sexy!

Is it gay pride festival time already? No? Then why was Wentworth Miller in town? Ah yes, Mr. Miller made an appearance in Toronto yesterday to heighten the already huge buzz surrounding the epic next season of Prison Break on Global TV.

Miller says his show will be nearly 'unrecognizable' next fall as it is being reinvented in a 'bold and ambitious' direction. Does ‘bold and ambitious’ mean tie-ins with Queer as Folk? Or perhaps turn it into a musical drama like Cop-Rock? I think a great idea would be a reality show called 'Prison Break-up' about the trials and tribulations of dating your cellmate and the eventual fall-out caused by a bad break up. Now I'd tune into that for sure!

Prediction: I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Wentworth will be giving away half his fortune to join the Scientologists so they can hide his Tom Cruise levels of gayness. Wait for it...

Here's the link on Wentworth's visit to the T-dot:


Ice Cube vs. Oprah: The Original Gangster takes on the Gourmand

This is bigger then the Bloods and Crips; East Side vs. West Side; Paris Hilton vs. Venereal Disease...This is Oprah vs. Ice Cube.

If this was a hot dog eating contest Oprah would whip Ice Cube, but unfortunately for her, Ice Cube has joined the ranks of other rappers (Ludacris and 50 Cent) who feel dissed by Oprah as she refuses to allow them on her show. In the British version of FHM Ice Cube said the following:

'She's had damn rapists, child molesters and lying authors on her show. If I'm not a rags-to-riches story for her, who is'

Holy crap. Was this guy on the debate team? This is one smooth argument. He really knows how to win the war of public opinion - communications 101 says 'when in doubt, compare yourself to rapists and child molesters, you're sure to find people will flock instantly to your cause.'

Check the O.R. you like it so far? Read below:


Van Wilder does the Right Thing

The man came to his senses! Ryan Reynolds and the original horse-faced singer Alanis Morissette have broken up according to People magazine. Whoever on earth that would date, let alone get engaged, to this woman is beyond me. I've heard people talk about 'personalities' and 'soul mates' but that’s just something that ugly people say to make themselves feel better.

Rule #1: Pretty people should only date pretty people.

Rule #2: Alanis Morissette should never date a pretty person.

Rule #3: Just because you're a good singer doesn't mean that we can over look your horse-face.

Seriously, did you ever see her naked in the video Thank U? She's looking all dumpy and she was naked sitting on a public bus! Isn't there some kind of rules in place to keep that from happening? I haven't been able to take public transit since without feeling a tad nauseous. Thank U Alanis, for f'ing up my bus schedule! The number of people who no longer take the bus due to that video has probably jacked up global warming a billion percent! An Inconvenient Truth indeed.

See the story source here:

See Paris' New Music Video 'Stars are Blind' (and apparently also retarded)

Want to see Paris Hilton's new music video 'Stars are Blind'? Neither did I – but I watched it. First impression: the stars aren't the only ones who are blind, so is this video director.

Save yourself the effort and let me just paint a picture for you: take every cliche you know from music videos and roll it up into a fantastical piece of crap. The only thing it's missing is a dance-off between rival gangs. It's so over the top and overdone I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and then I asked the guy at the desk beside me to pinch me and tell me I'm dirty like Paris. Then he left.

It opens with a tidal wave/beach scene reminiscent of Wicked Game by Chris Isaac - except the whole time I'm watching it I want to yell out 'Paris Hilton is swimming!! Get out of the water people!! HEEERPIES!!' Yeah, I know, I'd be a terrible life guard. Or life coach for that matter. Or a soccer coach, I just don't have the legs for those shorts.

Watch the video here:


Jaime Foxx: Token Black Actor?

Jamie Foxx will be playing Bob Marley in his new movie. From playing Ray Charles to Bob Marley; Jamie Foxx seems to be the only man capable of playing famous African Americans in biopics. Are there no other black actors that Americans are secure enough to see on the screen? What's next? Is Jamie to play Malcolm Jamal Warner in A Dyslexic Brother: The Theo Huxtable Story? Of course they would need to find ANOTHER black actor to play Cockroach, is Will Smith available?

Every few years Hollywood latches on to one black actor that they feel safe with an offer him every single role. Imagine they did that with white actors? If that was the case it would have been Billy Crystal in Silence of the Lambs or Gene Hackman in Too Fast Too Furious. Didn't Anthony Hopkins play a black man in The Human Stain? I got a human stain for you: Poop. This is poop.



Million Dollar Baby: Bradgelina Baby Pics

See it here first! The Million Dollar baby has arrived in full colour photos! Why aren’t I excited? It sort of feels like trying to act excited when my co-workers are showing me pictures of their babies/48 hour labour/swinger’s party. I just don’t care (unless the baby was born with 3 arms and a beard).

Click below to link to the baby pics, but don’t get too attached. As reported here a matter of days ago (see the archives) Bradgelina will be breaking up by the rap of Oceans 13’s filming. Distance, unhappiness, the heat, the American and British Tabloids, me sleeping with Angelina…will certainly all be contributing factors.


If Brad is anything like me, not just physically (as he already is) but emotionally, he’ll understand that once the baby is born it’s high time to bolt. It’s the guy code – our method of operation, if you will. Babies are lame. We all know chicks really dig Corvettes, earrings and ponytails over responsible fathers.

The Votes are In: Ashlee: 1,000,000 Jessica: 0

Man, how the tides have ever turned.

I remember watching the Christmas episode of Nick and Jessica and seeing Ashlee for the first time. I was not impressed; actually I think I cried at her misfortune for being so hideous in comparison to her older sister. Or perhaps I was drunk and it was simply residual tears from the Hallmark commercial before I saw her. Regardless. She is smoking hot now! Not only that – but she is hotter, more successful and now has a better chance with me then her sister!....well, let's be honest, that homeless man I passed on the way to work has a good chance with me too – but let’s not discount Ashlee’s new found hotness due to my easy-access nature.

Excuse me now as I go shower the homeless smell off of me. Have a look at that hot piece of ACE Ashlee here:


Oops She Did it Again - America's First Couple is Through!

As reported by Britain’s News of the World, the papers have been signed and the divorce is imminent – our favourite pieces of white-trash turds (who where only one step away from Hee-Haw) are done! Can they even spell divorce? Or fetal alcohol syndrome for that matter?

How do we know for sure? It’s been 96 days (source: People Magazine) since they’ve been photographed together and K-Fed has been spotted at Money Mart attempting to cash royalty checks from his new album…ah, I’m just kidding, for him to have royalty checks some one would have had to buy the album. I think Hitler singing his favourite tear-jerking numbers from Fiddler on the Roof would sell more copies.

Stay tuned – K-Fed’s emotional interview and tell all book will be coming up soon to recoup his loses.

George Clooney is the Next Karate Kid

George Clooney’s newest movie role has just been revealed. Apparently it seems Harvey Weinstein is ready to remake Akira Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai with George being cast in a lead role.

I’ll admit it; I enjoyed Tom Cruise in his samurai movie, but George? In terms of a physical role I’d maybe see George playing an arm wrestler or a street punk in Karate Kid 4 – but this? I think I recall George demonstrating some fancy karate moves on the Facts of Life – but does that really qualify as experience in an ‘asian role’?

Bea Arthur is more qualified to play a stripper (close your eyes and picture it, no really, do it). I’d pay more money to see Rosie O’Donnell eat a samurai or see Michael Jackson on Temptation Island (which loosely translates into a kiddy pool in his backyard).

Please read more about this mis-casting below:


2006 MTV Movie Awards Recap: Jessica Alba Needs our Help!

I'll be honest; I was bed sick last night and missed the entire broadcast. However, based on hearsay, rumours, eavesdropping, make-upery and water cooler talk at the office I feel as though I now have the journalistic integrity to write a recap for something I did not even see (it’s not like half the stars there will remember it either..)

To recap, the big winner at the awards was Wedding Crashers. The biggest loser? Jessica Alba for saying the following:

"It was a lot of work" making the mini-movies, she said. "At the end of the day, I needed a bath and a cry."

Wow. Jessica Alba. Kudos. Hosting the MTV awards mine as well be curing cancer and eliminating third world debt. Please, you deserve a bath and good cry; look at all you’ve been through! Glamorous dresses, parties, Crystal. Screw Oprah – it’s YOU who should be winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Where can I make a charitable donation to Jessica to aid in her recovery? I say we all band together and beat up the homeless who have the nerve to ask for money when there are people like Jessica Alba out there. They don’t know suffering like Jessica does.

Do I ever go too far? Not far enough if you ask me.

Here is a list of all the winners last night:


Nicole Kidman: Born-Again Virgin?

According to fametastic out of the UK, Nicole Kidman has told Keith Urban that they will not be having any more sex until marriage.

No action at all? Awesome! I love it when I have something in common with big-name celebrities. Now if I were Keith (which I'm not, but i'm sure i could pass for him - or so my mom says...) I would require a bit of clarification. By 'no sex' does that mean no sex with groupies? roadies? taco bell employees? Taylor Hicks?

If that's the case, give me a call Keith, we'll get together and do what all virgins do...write celebrity gossip articles....



Update: Taylor Hicks digs the Chicks

Not since the days of the Kiss Army has a fan base been as organized as the Taylor Hicks crew (except the Kiss Army liked to get high and party, Hicks' fans seem a bit more subdued) . I've had quite the backlash based on my earlier story speculating on his sexuality - some of his fans have used their Colombo-style investigation skills to find and mail my personal account with their thoughts/anger/threats.

As a peace-offering to Taylor's fans I will give you this: since I have no concrete proof that Taylor is gay or straight I will now assume that he is bisexual. Yep, bisexual. A switch hitter, plays for both sides - if you know what I mean.

Stay strong Taylor! Someday you'll find Mr or Mrs Right - in the meantime, I will continue to dig through his trash (for proof AND dinner) until the truth is told.

Brad and Angelina no More? You Betcha!

It's going to happen - the most beautiful couple in the world will be breaking up shortly - and you read it here first! According to reports and smuthounds alike there are two factors in play: Angelina is unhappy (postpartum? she misses me? she's freaked out by my phone messages and gifts?) and Brad wants out of Africa. It seems filming Ocean's 13 is essentially his way out for now. Once filming wraps up they can just both chalk it up to 'long distance' taking a toll on their relationship. Trust me - it's over! I'm 100% sure of it!

I know exactly what Brad is going though - I was once dating this girl in university that was at another school and after months and months of my sleeping around.....errrr.....long distance, it just was too difficult to maintain. And all I had to tell everyone is that 'distance just took a toll on our relationship' as opposed to 'I couldn't keep it in my pants...wanna make out?' or 'the crotch-burning gave it away'.

Please read some tales of their unhappiness here:


Britney and K-Fed are for Sale

Got a grand? Already have enough Virgin Mary crap-tastical memorabilia? Guess what's for sale on eBay? Brit and K-Fed's wedding invites! Just when their lives can't get any more tacky...

The starting price for this little piece of white-trash history is $999.99 and has yet to entertain any bidders. My thoughts? K-Fed's allowance is just not enough -and he's now relegated to making money off of his formally hot wife any way he can. My prediction: divorce in 3 weeks, I mean she's preggers again - if history is any indicator it's it about time for K-Fed to bounce?

If anyone would like to start a pool to see if we can put a bid together I'm game! Check the story source here:


More Gay American Idols?

Gay rumours from the American Idol stage? Please - let's quit this speculation, EVERYONE is 6 beer away from being gay anyway, why should we mull over this anymore then we already have? I wanted to put these rumours to rest right now so I thought I would give a call to Taylor Hicks (the target of the new rumours) and clear the air once and for all. Here is a transcript of my interview below:

Taylor: hello..?
Me: hi Taylor, it's me Joey
Taylor: JOOOEEYYYY!! how are you boyfriend?
Me: uh...fine Taylor, yourself?
Taylor: i'm fabulous, i'm just re-arranging some of the flowers in my place before i head to my stylist to work on covering some of this grey....did you see that episode of Touched by An Angel last night?
Me: sorry Taylor, i was watching the baseball game and drinking beer with the boys i must have missed it - look i just want to clear something up here so you mind if i ask you a point-blank question?
Taylor: go ahead silly, you know you can ask me anything.......ANYTHING.....tee hee
Me: right...look, i've been reading some rumours online questioning your sexuality - do you mind clearing that up with me?
Taylor: well that's just silly talk, silly....i'm as straight as Liberace or Gary Cooper - i have no idea where those rumours came from...
Me:....uh Taylor, Liberace and Gary Cooper where both gay
Taylor: ......J. Edgar Hoover? Wentworth Miller? Kirk Cameron?
Me: gay... closet-gay..missing in action...look maybe you should call me back later for a quote to add to my gossip site.
Taylor: ok sweetie - I'll call you tonight after I'm done watching Beaches
Me: right...

Here is where i read the rumours...