POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Britney is hotter then the sun!

Well actually my comparing Britney to the sun might be a bit of a stretch - but let me remind you, that the sun is nothing more then a great big ball of gas. Kind of fitting if you ask me.

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Owen Wilson deathwatch update 2

Last week's call logs for the Santa Monica Police Department were released today, confirming that Owen Wilson did in fact try to kill himself on Sunday.

This is not the most fun thing I've written about, so let's just lighten things up with pictures of Elle Macpherson surfing in a bikini. You're welcome.

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Owen Wilson deathwatch update

Exclusive! New! Suicide-riffic!

I've taken precious time out of watching the Hills (p.s. I'm way hotter then Spencer - and that bitched clapped his hands for some reason when he meets Heidi's folk..gay!) to report additional details about the shocking suicide attempt of Owen Wilson. Word is getting out that Wilson cut BOTH wrists and took a MAJOR amount of pills. He was discovered by a family member who called for help and apparently his situation was dire when he was discovered.

Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Owen's house around noon on Sunday. He's still in the hospital and doing pretty good.

I'll admit I'm being a tad obtuse, but I'm just saying this guy is acting like a sad 14 year old girl. A girl with sparkles and macaroni on her diary, listening to the Cure and slashing her wrists when she can't find a date to the prom. This man is dating quality babes, he's got a tons of cash and guys want to be him. No sympathy here. Updates coming soon.

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Britney ain't no good momma

Britney Spears is currently being investigated for child abuse. According to TMZ:

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present -- Britney's lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we're told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today's appearance.

You don't have to be Matlock to crack this one. All you got to do is offer her 3 bags of Cheetos and she'll not only give you her kids for free but she'd offer to eat them for an extra hour at the tanning booth. Mom of the year indeed.

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Owen Wilson deathwatch update

The Suicide Blond himself, Owen Wilson has now issued a statement:

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

Huh, vague at best. Poor, poor rich celebrity. This is obviously a cry for help, I mean, if he really wanted to kill himself he could have just as easily jumped off his huge pile of money. I hear it's pretty tall.

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Jake Gyllenhaal is gay!

I really don't know why I used an exclamation mark in the headline, because usually that punctuation is used to indicate a certain level of shock or surprise. Whereas this story offers neither shocks nor surprises - it pretty much just makes me feel warm and secure in knowing that my initial impressions were 100% accurate. Ex-Hollywood publicist Jonathon Jaxson says:

Jake Gyllenhaal has been dating the same guy for years. Last year Jake and his bf were arrested and brought into the West Hollywood station after the sheriffs office was called after catching Jake and his bf having sex in an SUV behind the restaurant Chin Chins in LA. Both were later released. Jake has been dating this guy for years, even before he broke up with Kirsten Dunst. Kirsten Dunst found out about his bf and confronted him at Chateau Marmont. The confrontation was loud and they broke up right there. News of their break-up followed a few days later. Jake and his bf are currently expecting a baby through a surrogate. They used a company based in Westwood, CA. The baby is due in September.

What more can I say other then [insert predictable Brokeback Mountain joke here]. And there you have it.

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Owen Wilson OD's and in hospital

Owen Wilson OD'd on drugs and was rushed to the emergency room in Los Angeles' St. John's Hospital via ambulance today, according to sources of the National Enquirer and Star magazine.

Wilson is being treated for what is described by a close source as "a very serious condition." Which may or may not be related to the fact that tonight was the Teen Choice awards (Nick Cannon hosting? It would make me OD on whatever I could get my hands on...paint, Tide...whatever).

But here's the weird part: the police (not the band) were present at the hospital and at least one well known Los Angeles criminal attorney was also there. And apparently the prognosis at first was not too good for Owen but it has now been upgraded. He has been stabilized and was just loaded in an ambulance from and is on his way to another Los Angeles-area hospital.

Update #1:
They are now saying it might have been a suicide attempt, I'll keep you all posted.

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Brad and Angelina's breakup is coming

That's right. The breakup is coming, there are just too many issues at play for these two to keep it together. First of all, Star Magazine has reported that Brad is encouraging Angie to go to rehab to gain weight. Over the past year, Angelina has become freakishly slim and Brad is apparently worried about her shrinking boobs...errr...I mean "overall health". Angelina has said:

"I've always been lean and this year I lost my mom and I've gone through a lot. I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding - it's been hard to get my nutrition back on track," Says Jolie, defending her dramatic weight loss.

Besides Angelina's shrinking boobage...um..."personal troubles", there is also Brad's incessant need to communicate with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. And due to the never-ending rumors of a potential split have had their impact on the couple, causing tension. I'll be honest I'm a factor in the breakup as well...my rippling abs and dashing good looks have definitely distracted Angelina and quite possibly even Brad himself. You see, not only am I attractive to women, but also men, the animal kingdom and the guys in the furniture assembly department at IKEA. It's tough being me. So sexy.

I will go out on a limb and predict that Brangelina will be split before Thanksgiving. You read it here first.

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Scary Spice was/is a lesbian

To no one's surprise, The Sunday Mirror is claiming that Mel B of the Spice Girls was engaged in a lesbian affair for a number of years. They've reported that:

Mel B began a lesbian affair with mother-of-two Christa Parker after they met at the gates of the school where both women's' children are students. It's claimed that Ms Parker then introduced her to sex-toy vendor, Elizabeth Rodriguez, who joined Mel B and Ms Parker in bed for threesomes.

Wow, this is awesome, I mean this kind of stuff is so wicked it makes even Chuck Norris cry. For tons more details on the story, check it out here.

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DMX is the new Michael Vick

Rapper, part-time actor and jackass DMX has now also being investigated for animal cruelty as sheriff's deputies raided his home on Friday, seizing several pit bulls and finding the remains of three other dogs but making no arrests.

These guys are idiots. I mean, I'd be afraid to leave any of them alone in a room with a gun and a troupe of Girl Scouts, since we all know these bastards have a really poor track record when it comes to dealing with the defenseless.

We need less people like DMX, Jamie Foxx and Michael Vick more people like this who actually care about animals while the rest of us just sit back and complain about the mistreatment.

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Hayden Panettiere in FHM UK

Those British really know how to sex up young actresses and Hayden's photo shoot for FHM UK is no different.

I'll admit, now that she's 18 I'm starting to find her a bit hotter. I don't think she's "tames wild animals with her gaze"-hot, but she's kind of "I'd hit it after a few beers....Canadian beer, not American"-hot.

Click here to check out the full spread at Egotastic.

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Criss Angel slums it

Britney Spears showed up to magician Criss Angel's place at 2 am the other night and didn't leave until 9 am the next morning.

That's disgusting how far Criss Angel has fallen. I hope he's a good enough magician to make his syphilis disappear and his standards re-appear.

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Zac Efron wears hats

Ohmygod! ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! Zac Efron is soooooooooo cute, I could just melt in his sexy bare arms or his...uh...his hat?

What the hell is this kid wearing? A wife beater and bowling hat? He looks like he's the tween culture's Scott Baio. Even him dressing up like a mime would be an improvement, and we all know how I feel about mimes.

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Jamie Foxx luvs Michael Vick

Access Hollywood has reported comments made by Jamie Foxx regarding Michael Vick's dog fighting charges - and let's just say, Jamie Foxx can go to hell too.
"It's a cultural thing, I think," Jamie said. "Most brothers didn't know that, you know. I used to see dogs fighting in the neighborhood all the time. I didn't know that was Fed time. So, Mike probably just didn't read his handbook on what not to do as a black star." While he has a way of lightening even the most sensitive of subjects, Jamie is sincere in his belief that the quarterback is not being given a fair shake.
"I know that cruelty to animals is bad, but sometimes people shoot people and kill people and don't get time," Jamie continued. "I think in this situation, he really didn't know the extent of it, so I always give him the benefit of the doubt."

So the real victim here is who? Michael Vick? The dogs? "Black star" culture? Jamie Foxx's comments are as ridiculous as his movie career, there is nothing "cultural" about dog fighting or cruelty to animals, unless of course you're referring to the 'brain-eating zombie culture' where eating brains and executing dogs is pretty much like us brushing our teeth. And animal cruelty is not something you get charged with because you're black (if that was the case Gary Coleman would have been locked up years ago) - it's something you're charged with when you secretly murder animals for money and entertainment.

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Lindsay Lohan: one day in jail?

This is unbelievable and typical, My Way News reports that:

Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine chargers that call for her to spend one day in jail, server 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.

Seriously, Lindsay pretty much can be the cause of Armageddon and gets nothing and I could still get 5-10 for shoplifting. But again, that's just because I like collecting Barbie's and Ponies and that just falls into the 'weird' parts of the law.

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Lohan charged!

It's about damn time. Lindsay Lohan was charged today with two counts of driving under the influence and seven misdemeanors, including misdemeanor possession of coke. TMZ says:
Lohan, who was busted twice since Memorial Day weekend, was charged with two counts of driving under the influence. If convicted of both, she'd face a minimum of four days in jail. If a felony were filed, Lohan could have faced several years in state prison.

TMZ also explains why Lindsay received just a misdemeanor drug charge:

In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age - 21 - and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable - also worked in her favor.
Unstable upbringing? Man, that should be a slap in the face to Lindsay's parents. I mean, even Hitler's parent's weren't called out in the war crimes tribunal. But if having crazy parents is really a valid defense I'm assuming Britney Spears' kid could pretty much massacre a bus full of nuns, children and puppies and still get off scott-free.

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Hayden's got milk

Hey look! Hayden Panattiere is starring in the most recent "Got Milk?" ad campaign. Now that she's 18 I can somewhat appreciate her good looks, but let's not forget about the real fans. The millions of pasty basement dwellers who just experienced a Level 8 nerd-gasm while reading this post- those losers are in jailbait heaven!

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No charges for Lindsay Lohan

Isn't anyone is Hollywood accountable for their actions anymore? It seems that law enforcement sources say Lindsay Lohan is not going to be charged with cocaine possession in connection with her two DUI arrests. TMZ reports:

We're told charges may be filed tomorrow, and the D.A. is leaning toward rejecting three possible felonies. Sources say the D.A. almost certainly will not file cocaine charges in connection with her DUI bust Memorial Day weekend in Beverly Hills. As for her July 24 arrest in Santa Monica, the D.A. could charge her with felony cocaine possession, and bringing cocaine into a correctional facility - also a felony. But we're told that the D.A. is inclined not to file those felony charges either.

Seriously, most people get arrested for doing less that what Lindsay does in one hour of any given day. She could pretty much could assassinate the President of the United States, sleep with the Popes and eat the corpse of Elvis and still get nominated for a Teen Choice award. Well I'm exaggerating, those Teen Choice awards are pretty exclusive...perhaps instead maybe a Blockbuster award...or an ESPY, depends on the competition, I hear Michael Vick is a shoe-in.

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Beyonce flashes crowd

During a recent performance in my hometown Toronto, Beyonce accidentally flashed the crowd when her dress flew up during her song "Deja Vu" which is French for 'show me your boobies!' or something like that.

Check out the video here, it's NSFW but it's pretty blurry so it's either a boot or boobs you see, I'm not quite sure.

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Sienna Miller forgot her top

I'm still not 100% on who this woman is, I think I saw her in a movie once called 'Alfie' where she befriends a alien with orange fur from the planet Melmac, where the sky is green and they use foam for money. Man, there was this hilarious part where he sees this cat and....um, we are talking about the same movie right? Alfie??

Want to see more of Sienna topless of the beach in Spain - check out the unedited pic here.

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The Hills pay the bills

E! Online provided a ball-park estimate for incomes of reality stars. I'm not talking the girls in the park I tape for free, I mean Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from MTV's The Hills:

Well, Lauren "L.C." Conrad does get to operate ongoing hot war with Heidi Montag in the pages of Us Weekly every week, free of charge. If that's not a fine compensation, I don't know what is. Oh, wait. Yes, I do. How about an estimated $10,000 to $25,000 per episode? That's the general industry range for top reality stars such as Conrad, Montag, wannabe K-Fed or Spencer Pratt.

$10-$20,000?? With that kind of money I could build a time machine and make sure Hitler wasn't born...or Paulie Shore - either way, it would sure end a lot of suffering. Hilarious suffering.

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Hayden is legal, preverts

The most important day for virgins and D&D Dungeon Masters living in their parent's basement has finally come...Hayden Panettiere is 18! Now you can freely PVR Heroes, pause and rewind the Hayden scenes without any worry that Dateline will banging down your door.

Enjoy your day perverts, you've earned it.

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Rihanna's little nipple slip

Check out Rihanna's recent performance on a show that's far too cool for me to watch. But if you check another pic of the performance HERE, her nipple is slipping out.

Yep, the good ol' nipple slip...first made popular by Bea Arthur in the roaring 20's only to go out of fashion when Bea's nipple actually caused the great depression. Historically accurate AND sexy!

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Michael Vick can burn in hell

Public douchebag #1, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, has pleaded guilty today to federal charges related to a dogfighting ring. News came about when two co-defendants signed statements saying Vick participated in the execution of at least 8 dogs by hanging or drowning them. Breitbart News says:

Vick is expected to be sentenced next Monday at US District Court here. He could face up to five years in prison and fines of more than 250,000 dollars as a result of the charges.
A grand jury was hearing evidence Monday on more possible charges that could have been filed against Vick, including racketeering gambling charges that might have substantially raised the stakes and possible prison term Vick might face.

I've learned two things today. First, Michael Vick is a bastard - Second, DO NOT pick the Falcons in your office playoff pool....or for that matter, never, ever sleep with a dude named Ron Mexico. It'll just f'up your genitals.


Britney without her hairpiece

Sick! Britney without her extentions look freakishly similar to this kid, Scott, I use to place soccer with when I was a kid. Except he looked way more like a chick then Britney.

She's getting to the point when a woman hits her 40's or 50's and stops caring about what she looks like...then one day, she comes home from SuperCuts and you see her with this erection-killing haircut and you go gay.

Yep, that's how it works....it's pretty much in the bible.....or at least the soccer rule book a.k.a "The European Gay Man's Bible".

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Salma Hayek is huge!

It's official, Salma Hayek was raped by Optimus Prime - I mean, look at her...it looks like she's going to give birth to a truck! How do I know? I'm both a doctor AND mechanic!

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Britney's Allure photoshoot

Check out some pictures of Britney's new spread from Allure magazine. With all that airbrushing and hair extensions they used for Brit, you could have taken Michael Jackson and made him look like Mr.Snuffleupagus. Of course we all know what happened to 'Snuffy' after Sesame Street - yep, a few years in snuff films he later was seen on A&E's 'Intervention' snorting coke and selling corpses on the black market with Forgetful Jones. Sad.

See all the pictures of Britney, plus outtakes here.

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Britney's crazy sex life continues

In the upcoming OK! Magazine it's revealed that Britney has been hooking up with other women left and right (unlike me). OK! reports:

Britney's quick tryst with Matt Encinias made headlines, but the music-video extra wasn't the real target of Brit's affection that night. OK! has learned that Britney spent the evening topless, nuzzling up to her former assistant Shannon Funk! "Instead of hooking up with him, [Shannon] ended up back in Brit's room and bed," a source tells OK!. Britney has been experimenting with girls since her teen years. She even put the moves on porn queen Jenna Jameson. "Jenna told me that Britney hit on her and that she hooks up with girls," says adult_movie actress Tera Patrick.

Alright, considering how far Britney has fallen and what Jenna Jameson looks like now - I'm thinking this is the least hot lesbian fantasy since that very special episode of Golden Girls.

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Anne Hathaway is a great girlfriend

Why doesn't this ever happen when I'm on my multi-million dollar yacht with my hot A-list celebrity girlfriend?

Well, honesty by 'yacht' I was referring to 'the fort I built out of cardboard boxes in my living room'....but my captain's hat is way more awesome then getting a BJ from Anne Hathaway. Or at least that's what my First Matey tells me.

More pictures of the action and Anne in a bikini here.

Update: whose feet are beside the loving couple? Man, Anne is dirty!

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Nicole Richie sure has changed

Wow. Seriously, wow! Pregnancy is actually making Nicole Richie look hot! I never thought I'd see the day. This changes everything....goodbye condoms, hello bareback! I'm going to knock up as many chicks as I can and create a race of ubber-sexy pregnant honies! Come my lactating pretties, come and all the pickles and ice cream your big bellies desire!!


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Paris has too much class

For some strange reason, Paris Hilton took some time over the weekend to yet again reiterate that she's never gotten implants. The Sydney Harold says:

Hilton once considered breast augmentation surgery before being talked out of it by her father, Rick. At the time she said: "I don't need it and I would never get it. It's gross - and it always ends up looking really fake. But if a girl is miserable and that's the only way to make her happy, then that's fine. Years ago I asked my dad for a boob job and he said it would cheapen my image. So I decided not to do it."

If there is one this that Paris is it's classy. She'll leak a sex tape, go to jail, sleep with every man and woman in Hollywood BUT she won't get a boob job because she doesn't want to look 'cheap.' Not only that, but she seems to think fake breasts are also a magical cure-all for depression - because it's the only way to make some girls happy. We all know the real path to true happiness for women is to sleep with me, right? Seems my rippling muscle can cure depression quicker then fake boobs ever could. Or at least that what the girl in my trunk says.

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Jenna has gone downhill

What the hell happened to Jenna Jameson? She went from one of the hottest women in the world to something out of Anne Frank's Diary. With the way she looks, her future in the porn industry must be in question - unless of course she downgrades from "leading lady" to "yard boy's rake" in the customary "sex with the landscaper scene."

Well, at least that's what happens in the porn scenes in my head. And by "in my head" I mean "I have sex with my landscaper" and by "landscaper" I mean "the sod on my front yard." Ahem.

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Keira Knightley gets naked for Chanel

Here's Chanel's new ad campaign featuring Keira Knightley, a big bottle of perfume, a hat and a blanket...huh, that's pretty much all I have in my closet too. But let's face it, when I look at Keira naked I just feel so damn dirty and creeped out inside. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she's got the body of a 11 year old Boy Scout?

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Shocking: K-fed wants money

TMZ is reporting that Kevin Federline's custody with Britney Spears could actually be about.....wait for it......money! Upon their initial separation, he originally agreed to a 50/50 split, but then suddenly filed papers asking for 70/30 split after having zero contact with Britney for over three months.

Now that Britney's cousin, Alli Sims has been served, K-Fed's lawyers can take her deposition. But a source says they also want to take Britney's deposition, but the notice Britney received was all about money and not the kids.

At this point none of this is really relevant anymore. Regardless of K-Fed's motivations to get the kids back, if I was a judge I would award custody to my gavel as opposed to Britney, which pretty much makes Kevin an attractive option here. Of course, if I was a judge I'd also probably drive into court through the walls in a monster truck screaming 'Mount. Rockmore is here bitches!! I AM THE LAW!!' and award custody to the burning rubble in my wake. I'm just that awesome.

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Jessica Alba has herpes

Seems Derek Jeter is more dangerous when it comes to spreading diseases as that monkey from Outbreak, just ask Jessica Alba. Here's the scoop:

The Adam Carolla Show dished all the dirt on the viral Jess earlier this morning. The 26-year-old actress and her 33-year-old former flame dated for a while, before Jessica settled into a long-term relationship with Cash Warren. But now Jesse's STD may be the only gift with staying power.

Apparently Alba regularly filled a Valtrex prescription during her relationship with Cash Warren.

What I find most interesting is that Derek could have also infected past flames Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo and Jessica Biel. I'm just surprised he hasn't given it yet to A-Rod...those two guys must be double-bagging it.

Suck it Yankees!

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Britney is totally screwed

Britney Spears' cousin/mooch/assistant/hanger-on Alli Sims was served legal papers at 3 AM Sunday morning as she left a house party in Hollywood. The papers state that Alli will be forced to testify to Britney's parenting skills in the ongoing custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline.

This is not good for Britney. When it's all said an done she's going to make Bin Laden look like father of the year. Hell, the can of soup in my lunch is probably a better mom to Britney's kids then she is...and it's a delicious source of vitamin A, B & K12.

Once the stories about the drinking, drugs, neglect and what she feeds her kids they'll probably just ship her off to Texas to get executed. Or worse.....Quebec. May God have mercy on her soul.

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Cloverfield ending revealed?

Seems J.J. Abrams super-secret project's (a.k.a. Overnight, a.k.a. Monstrous, a.k.a. 1-18-08, etc.) ending may have just been leaked.

Cloverfield's plot revolves around a small group of people struggling to survive a monster attack in Manhattan. And it seems according to this call sheet that was stolen off of a crew's laptop reveals the ending and an alternate conclusion. I guess either the two main characters die under rubble from the Brooklyn Bridge or they live happily ever after.

I'm one who prefers endings where the guy in the wheelchair miraculously begins to walk again, or when the team of retarded children with the NBA finals thanks to luck, hard work and a wicked-ass training montage with 'Eye of the Tiger' playing full blast. With those way awesome endings, you can't miss!

Read more about it here.

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Lindsay's parents are idiots

Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard from 2002-2005, Tony Almeida, has stepped forward to say that Lindsay's parents are pretty much the entire reason he life is such a train wreck now. He says they let her do whatever she wanted from a very young age - including sex and drugs - as long as she kept working because her paychecks kept them living it large. Page Six says:

Almeida says, "From a young age, she dealt with her father's physical, emotional and drug abuses as well as her mother's drinking." Once, when Lindsay was 16, Michael flew into a rage while driving and "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off."

Meanwhile, Dina often "let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working... [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention]."
As Lindsay's manager, Dina - who was desperate to become a star herself - received 10 percent of her income. "Lindsay was the family cash cow - and she resented it," Almeida claims. "They counted on her to pay their bills...I saw Lindsay exhausted, begging her mother for some time off."

Young Lindsay's parents looked the other way as she began a life of boozing, boys and drugs. When she was 15, they allowed her to share a room with her then-14-year-old boyfriend, Aaron Carter, at Loews in Miami Beach. Almeida relates, "They knew Lindsay was sleeping in Aaron's room. But they seemed happy she had chosen somebody who could benefit her singing career."

By age 18, Lindsay had moved on to harder substances. Almeida recalls walking in on her and another celebrity in a closet at a club one night as they sniffed white powder. The ex-bodyguard also claims Lindsay cried out for help for years by cutting herself and threatening suicide.

This is insane, I'm beginning to think Hilter's rotting corpse would be a better parent then Dina Lohan ever would be. I saw a documentary once about a kid who was raised by wild wolves, the dude couldn't talk and pooped on the floor - but he was a billion times more well-adjust that anything that's coming out of the Lohan machine.

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Katharine McPhee doesn't like wind

Katharine McPhee seems to be having a bit of an issue with her dress while on set for her first (last) movie which is now still unnamed . As much as I'd like to high-five Mother Nature for this one let's remember what happened to that whale formally known as Kelly Clarkson. Yep that's Katharine 3 years from now...


Scary Spice in animal prints

Mel B. (a.k.a. Scary Spice) is back on her T&A tour showing her off her disgusting milk-bags in animal skin. I mean, what the hell is she wearing? If I saw her swimming in this thing I'd pretty much figure she was the creature that killed Steve Irwin...except less hot.

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Paris changes her ways

I swear, it I had a time machine and only chance to use it, I think it would be to punch Kathy Hilton is the stomach while she was pregnant with Paris. Of course, judging by Paris' recent behavior it almost seems like someone beat me to it...that or she's suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome.

As we all know by now, after being released from jail, Paris professed that she changed her ways. She claimed was going to set up a halfway house, started carrying around the Bible, said she was done being a party girl and wanted to help the community by doing charity work.

So it makes perfect sense that she showed up to a Playboy party yesterday dressed in lingerie. However let's not rush to judgment...I'm sure this was just a stop over on the way to the soup kitchen and to save the children from the burning orphanage.

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Britney knows good PR

Judging by the upcoming cover of US Magazine her status has been downgraded from 'drunk skank' to 'that weird girl who swims with her hat on' which is pretty bad in itself, I mean, I thought only bald men swam with thei......oh wait....right.

Of course, I can't get down on her for that - I swim with my t-shirt on...partly to hide my man boobs and party to take the attention away from the water wings.

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Paris is rich and spoiled

Just when I can't hate this bitch anymore I read this. Back when Paris Hilton was behind bars she told the press that she was determined to change her ways and she wanted to build a halfway house for recently released female inmates. Well, it hasn't happened. Mainly because she was brought up in a home where her personal comfort was put WAY ahead of anything and anyone else and where she was and still is treated like a spoiled child. People.com says:

For Kathy Hilton, the toughest part about daughter Paris Hilton's being in jail was "seeing the rashes on her arms and face from the thin sheets."

For Paris's homecoming, her mother set up a room in what, "used to be the baby nursery. I had fresh, really soft towels, and really soft sheets and one of those really soft, cuddly [blankets] called 'my blankey,' and nice soft pillow cases."

Kathy Hilto's rationale, she said, was that Paris had "been in jail, obviously with the very thin sheets and one pillow and one little thin blanket. That's how [inmates] get rashes. It feels like sandpaper."

Paris's reaction to all this softness, says her mother, was that "she went in, and she looked at the Fresh Farms soap, and she looked at the towels and the Evian water by her bedside. I wanted to make her feel really welcome. And we went downstairs and made a sandwich. And she ran outside with her doggie. And she ran, and she was screaming, 'Oh, this feels so good. I feel so lucky.'"

The thin sheets? That woman needs to see the dirty sleeping bag I sleep in at the side of the road! I mean, I would love this family to see how normal people live - let alone the working poor. People are dying, starving and killing each other and all the Hiltons are worried about the RASH that THIN SHEETS gave Paris? If they think that's tough, they ought to see the rash I get from wearing those thin white pants I wear while performing at children's birthday parties. Ouch.

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New Indiana Jones posters

The Indiana Jones poster is out - and I'd be lying if I didn't say my pants get a tad tight when I see it. I'll admit, I'm a fan - but this poster is worrying me a bit. I mean, what's in the box? A wheelchair for Indy? His fiber supply for the week? Adult diapers? ....ANOTHER BOX??? Think about it........


Britney done broke the dog

Looks like the Doritos and Dr. Pepper diet didn't resonate well with Britney's new puppy, London.

Spears, who had been partying with back-on pal Alli Sims until 2 a.m. at L.A. club Winston:s, emerged in her Mercedes from her Beverly Hills home around 1 p.m., cradling her new Yorkshire Terrier puppy, London, and drove straight to the nearby Beverly Hills Small Animal Hospital. Also along for the ride with Spears: her former assistant-pal Sims, and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Upon arrival at the hospital, Spears handed the puppy to Sims, who carried the dog into the hospital, where, Usmagazine.com has confirmed, London was treated by a veterinarian.

About a half hour later, Sims returned to the car with London and told photographers that the puppy had undergone "just a check-up. She is okay."

Well done Britney. It's only a matter of time before she comes home so f'ed up she'll feed the dog to the kids. Or cover the kids in Puppy Chow and let the dog loose. Either way, that household is totally screwed while Britney is in charge.

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Perez Hilton fakes photo

Perez would do anything for attention. Including photoshoping 17 year old Hayden Panettiere to make it look like she's holding a dildo. Nice one, dicksmack - faking the corruption of an underage girl. The picture on the left is what Perez put on his site and the picture of the right is the original.

Charming man that Perez is. He might as well photoshop her making out with Hitler or killing puppies...anything to keep his visits up.

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Avril Lavigne got a boob job?

Looks like when she's not ripping off other people's music, she's getting her boobs done. It's kind of creepy though...isn't she too young for a boob job? At her age she should be chasing butterflies, setting up lemonade stands and hosting tea parties. At least that what I did when I was pretending to be a 14 year old girl.....uh...yesterday.....

Are these real? Click here to see more recent pics of Avril McChesty-Boobs and you tell me.

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I just threw up a little

MSN said yesterday that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes want to do a nudie, super-erotic, ultra-arousing photoshoot together similar to the one David and Victoria Beckham did last month for W magazine. MSN says:

Sources say a racy photo shoot will allow the pair to show off a side of their relationship that's rarely seen, with insiders explaining that while they've so far kept their public image family oriented, Katie, 28, and her husband have a strong physical side they want share with fans. "Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry," says a pal. "They want to show the world how much." While the finer details are yet to be confirmed, insiders say they'd like at least one photo to feature them naked. "They are already planning the various photos," says a source close to the pair. "Tom and Katie want to pose together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam."

That's gross. I don't want to know about their 'erotic chemistry' - I just figured they did some weird Scientology crap in the bedroom, like eat the unborn or shave rabid monkeys and sacrifice them Xenu. Now if they could show us THAT in the photo shoot you'd really have something. To be honest, in my quite moments I wish they'd do it. But then again, in my quiet moments I'm Captain Piccard and saving supermodels while piloting the Spirit of St Louis.

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Britney is killing her kids

Seems Britney is raising her kids like they're a pack of drunk frat boys. She apparently ignores them, doesn't concern herself with their nutritional needs and feeds them whatever it takes (short of crystal meth) to keep them from crying.

[Sean Preston] is having dental problems because Britney just shoves a bottle of juice in his mouth all the time to stop him from crying," a "family insider" told Us. In April, Spears "asked an L.A. dentist if he would whiten her kid's teeth" but the dentist refused.

Another Spears pal says the star "feeds [her children] total crap like Doritos, soda, and even chewing gum, a known choking hazard for toddlers." And when it comes to bedtime, forget soothing lullabies: "She fed Sean ice cream before bed because the cold would make him sleepy."

Seriously, a shaved monkey would make a better mom then Britney does now. I think I'd rather put my kids in a tank of piranhas, sex offenders and lawyers then leave them in a room with Britney for more then 5 minutes. Okay, okay.....maybe I went a tad too far there - Britney is a better mom then a lawyer. But only by a bit.

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