POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Paris' CD Bombs, France Surrenders

Yes, yes I know...my updates have been few and far between. But I have a great excuse...I'm in the process of leaving one job for another and it's keeping me quite busy (that and stalking the cute girl from finance is practically a full time job in itself).

Regardless, to make amends I've posted a nice little story about Paris Hilton and her CD doing absolutely terrible. Her first weekend took in only 75,000 in unit sales and it looks like she'll only be doing an additional 30,000 in the following week. Wanna know how bad the disk is? Danity Kane beat out her sales...DANITY KANE!! Who are they? Who cares?? All I know is that I feel bad for Paris, I mean really bad. I wish there was something I can do, like maybe buy her a bracelet? Actually, I can buy her TWO bracelets and attached them with a chain to a pipe in my basement where she can't do the world anymore harm....

Read more here thanks to our hot friend Lainey.

K-Fed performs at the Teen Choice Awards, in related news: teen suicide on the rise

Why when I watch this do I just feel like I've been punched in the groin? Oh wait, that's right - I punched myself in the groin for watching this crap!

If I could build a time machine to change one point in history I'd have a hard time deciding between getting the few minutes back that I lost watching this loser or preventing World War II. It's a toss up at best.

Check the video thanks to our friends at thesuperficial - tell me you don't disagree...uh...I mean, don't agree....errr...

J-Love's Ever Expanding Bottom

She's growing! I'm gonna have to call Stephen Hawkings on this one...why does she continue to expand? Will she eventually implode? I think we now know what happened to Party of Five, it seems they have gone missing and are considered eaten....by J-Love.

Not to mention I think that's the same top a number of my ex-girlfriends wore when they where pregnant with my children (for any lawyers out there I'd like to preface that with 'alleged children')

Joe Simpson is still a Perv

People in the Simpson camp are finally beginning to get totally freaked out by the pervy nature of Joe Simpson when it relates to his daughters. Read this quote from a Simpson rep here:

Joe Simpson has often displayed boundary issues in the process of turning his daughters, Jessica, 26, and Ashlee, 21, into sexual commodities ("She's got double Ds!" Joe told GQ of Jessica's bust in 2004. "You can't cover those suckers up!") , but sources are saying that the girls have had enough. Why? This is, after all, the man who praises the sexiness of daughter Jessica's body, and who, a source tells Us Weekly, told stories at an MTV meeting of helping her to fit for her first bra. Says a source who works with them, "It creeps everyone out. And he thinks he knows what he's doing, and that he's doing the best for his kids."

I think I just threw up my lunch all over my keyboard - this is just rotten! Let's just hope there is enough money left when these girls are washed up for their therapy bills. Well, let's just wait until Jessica has her first baby, if it's got a leg growing out of it's head we know Papa Joe has been up to no good.

The Scientific Breakthrough of the Decade!

Oh God! Ever since the movie Junior I knew this day would eventually come!...science has become so advanced that they now can make men pregnant!

I'm also impressed that the first two men to come forward and volunteer for the experiment are none only then former heartthrobs Val Kilmer and John Travolta. Good luck gents, you truly are American heros!

Or perhaps I'm just jumping to conclusions here - so to cover my ass in case of a lawsuit I have another hypothesis: just maybe, it's not male-pregnancy depicted in these pictures, but instead the result of corn chips and beer. You make the call.

It's Official: Jen and Vince are getting Married!

Us Weekly has report that it's official, Jen and Vince are finally engaged (I reported this eons ago) to no one's surprise. The part that really kills me is that I think Vince is a pretty cool guy, but read the following quote from Us Weekly:

"They're engaged!" a friend of the couple's tells Us, adding, "Vince almost cries whenever he tells the story of the proposal."

Vince ALMOST CRIES?? Is this not Trent from Swingers? The owner of Speaker City in Old School? Is he not the coolest man alive? The why is he crying when he tells the story? Guys, let me put this to you straight - unless you want to be confused for Lance Bass there are only two situations when it's okay for a man to cry; if you're kicked in the nuts by a much larger man OR if you hear the following word from your doctor 'the herpes test came back positive'. That's it! But then again, that just could be my jealousy talking...now where's my doctor's phone number?

MSNBC to Show Baby Suri's TV Debut

According to MSNBC the baby born of Tom Cruise's loins will be shortly making it's TV debut. Check it out here! Yep, this is 100% real - no hoaxing around here...MSNBC wouldn't lie, would they?

I don't know about you - but with all this Scientology crap and the possibility that Xenu being the father I'd be pretty freaked to see this if it was true. I'm picturing 'The Ring', one second I'll be watching the TV debut of Suri and the next second she'll be this disgusting dirty mess crawling out of the TV screen at me. It's true, Scientologists can do that - that and turn gay guys straight!

J-Love is getting fat

Jennifer Love Hewitt seems to be attacking the all-you-can eat buffet as hard as Mel Gibson attacks the Jews! I mean, look at this picture...

However, I must admit, I can understand where she is coming from...you get into a relationship, get comfortable, stop working out and put on a bit of weight. It happens to the best of us. But look at those hips!! They don't lie and I'm disgusted!! If Captain Ahab where here he'd spear this Moby Dick!

My advise to J-Love's boyfriend; get all the money and presents you can get outta this one, then for God sakes - trade her in for a thinner model! Remember, it's okay to test-drive while you still own. If not, how will you know what you want when you bring the old model to the junk yard?

Tomkat to be married this weekend!

Pending the legalization of gay marriage it seems Tom Cruise will be taking the plunge this weekend with his Stepford Housewife Katie Holmes.

How do I know this? Well, based on the hoopla surrounding the Scientology Celebrity Center in LA it seems as though they are gearing up for a huge event. It's either Tomkat's wedding or the return Xenu or perhaps that kid from Flight of the Navigator...

I must admit, I'm a big sucker for weddings myself...and I'm very much looking forward to seeing Tom and Katie's wedding video to count the instances where Katie mouths 'KILL ME!' to the camera. Don't worry Tom, I've been there too! Just keep on spiking their drinks and they'll never leave.