POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Moby doesn't like the weather...

...being blamed on God.

Moby is angry that some people say natural disasters like hurricanes are God's punishment on sinners.

Moby, who hasn't done much of anything lately, has a wild theory that hurricanes and tornadoes happen for non-anthropocentric reasons. His comments set off a hailstorm of controversy, with critics rushing to their dictionaries to find out what 'non-anthropocentric' (editor's note: it doesn't mean 'vagina' so please skip to the end) means. The hailstorm was also not caused by God.

These comments raise many questions, like: What's a moby? Why does he use such big words? Why didn't he make these comments after hurricane Katrina, when people might have given half a crap? How many fingers am I holding up? Whatever happened to my pants? What is the name of the Puerto Rican man I woke up next to this morning? And, most importantly, does ANYONE still listen to techno?

Go away, Moby.

Lindsay Lohan Deathwatch 2007

The Death Watch continues....Star Magazine is reporting that Lindsay tried to kill herself last week. A 'source' reports on an incident that occurred in NYC one week prior to her car accident:

She grabbed a knife and started cutting at her writs," the insider reveals. "A friend made her stop and went around looking for sharp objects. Lindsay ran into the bathroom with a bottle of Advil." Crying, "Leave me alone! I just want to die!" Lindsay locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to swallow the entire bottle, says the source. Finally, someone broke down the door and saved the distraught actress from herself!

Let me get this straight...she ran into a bathroom with a bottle of Advil?? Now, I'm no psychiatrist or even licensed to drive around my ice cream truck, but this seems to be a tad of a 'cry for help' don't you think? I mean, it's like this is a scene straight out of Sweet Valley High or 90201 - when the protagonist is thrown into the realm of 'safe danger' - she might get hurt, but probably not.

If Lindsay really wanted to kill herself she would have ran into the bathroom with a candle stick or crowbar or rope. Not Advil. Unless of course she wanted to die at the hands of long-lasting pain relief...

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Paris to get special treatment in jail

I can't believe this, not only has Paris' cell mate been hand-picked but the jailers have put together a special protocol for Paris' stay, detailing how things should be done for her. TMZ reports:

Jailers were looking for someone who they believe will not try to cash in on Hilton's stay. The woman is already in the cell that Paris will be in...jailers are already conducting searches of anything electronic - they are prohibiting cameras, cellphones and the like...a memo has gone out to the staff, warning them that anyone who takes pictures of Paris will be disciplined - i.e., fired...a 'written protocol' has already been prepared especially for Paris' stay, detailing 'when and how things should be done for her.'

Well, La-Tee-Da...what's next, are they going to cut the crust off of her baloney sandwiches? BeDazzle her scratchy bedsheets? sprinkle fairy dust on her cell bars?? I tell you, jail's gotten soft man, I remember back in juvy when you would have to have sex with a guard JUST to get a glass of water. Man oh man, you wouldn't believe the amount of water I could drink...

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Britney Spears, covered in vomit

Five years ago 'Britney Spears covered is vomit' may have been kind of hot....well, at least better then what I'm picturing now. It seems Britney has been doing her best drunk homeless man impression recently as she continues to party like a my housekeeper on payday. The Sun UK says:

The singer disappeared to the bathroom just an hour after arriving at the Mondrian Hotel's swanky Sky Bar with five friends. Britney had to be carried out of the men's toilets on Sunday night after she was discovered vomiting uncontrollably...Out of it, she was overheard telling hotel staff: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Things aren't going well for me at the moment."...She was then carried out of the bar sobbing and covered in sick.

Interesting. Seems Britney is taking a page of out my 'prom dates 1993-1997' book, wearing a wig, puking all over herself and getting carried home. However, in my case I still got the girl! That is, if by 'girl' you mean 'watching scrambled porn and sobbing uncontrollably'....

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Calling out Perez Hilton!

Gossip bloggers are not good people, what we do is insult, speculate, spread rumors and sometimes flat out lie...all for the entertainment of our readers. We find our targets (rich celebrities, self obsessed socialites and plastic-bodied retards) and hammer away with our best material all for a good laugh. But to maintain this type of fun environment, we must never become emotionally involved. Otherwise, what's the point of being a dick for a living?

Well it seems that Perez 'hypocrite' Hilton, who has built his 'career' around running racy photos snapped by the paparazzi, commenting on celebrity weight gain, drug use, sex lives and reveling in their failures, has for some reason decided to take the 'high road' and chastising other celebrity gossip outlets for doing exactly what HE does. Read his recent post of Lindsay Lohan going to rehab:

Lindsay Lohan's publicist has just released this statment:

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day. Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

Hopefully the mainstream media will behave ethically and refuse to publish any pictures of Lindsay in rehab. The paparazzi have been lurking and endangering the safety of all patients at Promises. Pics of Lindsay there are already floating.

Hopefully the Us Weekly and In Touch and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood and everyone else will do the right thing and not run those photos and let her focus on getting healthy.

We're pessimistic and think she's gonna fail a few more time - statistics speaks for themselves - but we do encourage Lindsay's attempts at getting better.

Hopefully sooner or later it will stick!

You have to be kidding me, this stuff is his bread and butter - he helped create Lindsay Lohan. Without these scandals and stories that HE broke and flogged to death on his site, this content wouldn't be available to the mainstream media outlets. It's about personal responsibility Perez, you can't just flip-flop like a dead fish or those girls I sleep with (that may or may not be dead fish)

Perez, if you want celebs to be left alone: shut down your site and shut up, you are the cause of their privacy being compromised, we all are - it's what we do. If you don't shut down your site then continue to do what all the other gossip sites are doing...fully and transparently burning rich celebrities without attempting to pull the wool over the public's eyes with a thinly veil attempt to 'care' by suddenly deciding to protect the privacy of those who YOU have been exploiting this whole time (can we say 'run-on sentence?...gasp....). You can't have it both ways...take responsibility and keep making fun of your dear, dear Firecrotch. Or just quit.

Now back to the fun stuff....


Emmy Rossum has great taste

Here's a heart-warming pic of Hollywood star Emmy Rossum in Malibu making out with her boyfriend. Yes folks...THAT dork is her boyfriend...the man she has sex with (c'mon, picture it...I know you want to...).

I don't understand this at all, I mean, this guy makes me look like Brad Pitt..Legends of the Fall Brad Pitt!! I could walk around Malibu with a poopy diaper and a dead rat around my shoulders and still look hotter then this loser. Frankly, I'm surprised he was able to take time off of his Dungeons and Dragons league to tap her ass...and to top it all off my wizard could TOTALLY destroy his! Bitter? Me??


Salma fakes being pregnant

There is no way she's got babies in there...either she's smuggling 20 Mexican immigrants in her massive belly or else I think we know who ate the Lindberg baby...Lindberg DINOSAUR baby!!


Nicole Richie snubs sick mom

Nicole 'skinny skank' Richie is refusing to visit her sick mother in the hospital. What could her mom ever have done to her that would warrant that kind of behaviour? Personally, I believe that a boy's best friend is his mother. I've never actually TALKED to a girl, but I'm sure it's the same for them.

Why, my Mom and I have a great relationship. We share so many things together: Laughter, tears, an apartment, underwear, a bed, syphilis. I have everything a 43 year old man could ever want.

I mean sure, no relationship is perfect, Nicole! But there's no rift that can't be mended. Look at me and my Mom. We've had our problems in the past. For example, my Mom never breastfed me when I was a child.

....but she does NOW.

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Back to rehab for Lindsay

Seems Lohan finally realised that she may have a tad of a problem and is willingly checking herself into rehab after her coke/DUI/crash thingy. However, this time around she's "crashing" (funny joke, TA-DA!) Britney Spears' old haunt at Promises in Malibu (and we all know how well that went for Britney...ahem...).

Now I'm not a 'fortune teller' or 'see the future' or 'pee standing up' but I'm not thinking this will go well. I think Prince Charles has a better chance of gaining super-powers due to radioactive exposure and flying to the moon to start his own gay colony of royal moon-men before Lindsay even finishes rehab and/or cleans up. Think about it...ROYAL MOON MEN!

Death Watch 2007 is still on you sexy beasts!

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Jessica Simpson is smrt

Jessica Einstein Simpson is making a concentrated effort to fill her empty head.

Following a recent trip to Europe, she bragged that she had spent much of her time touring the museums, and said that she was especially inspired by the works of Michelangelo, adding "he's the best ninja turtle ever".

She also started a journal of her thoughts while in Europe. I've never read it, but I'm sure that it really delves into the complexities of nature and man, with deep insights such as 'puppies are fuzzy' and 'I like toast'.

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Lindsay Lohan is arrested for DUI and coke possesion

Dear friends, loyal readers, drug dealers I owe money to and the lovely ladies at the sex offender registry who always so gently take my finger-prints....I'd like to make the following announcement. Yes, It's official....The Lindsay Lohan Death Watch 2007 is BACK ON!! Our friends at TMZ have reported had a little bit of a hit and run last night:

After the (hit and run car crash), police say (Lohan) got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries ... No one else was hurt and no other cars were involved ... Officers received a 911 call about the accident and 'tracked Ms. Lohan to the local hospital, where she was ultimately placed under arrest' for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs...it appeared as if Lohan was speeding and lost control...Lohan was cited and released and will have to face a judge.

She's such an amateur...coke, DUIs and hit n' runs are sooooo yesterday. When I party hard I make sure to engage in at least one sword fight, get 3 chicks pregnant and then crawl over the cage at the zoo to wrestle a gator to the death...TO THE DEATH! Then, to top it all off, I build a time machine so I can go back and DO IT OVER AGAIN! Yes, I'm that hardcore...

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Kate Hudson is a MILF

Wow. Didn't she just have like a billion babies...how the hell did she lose so much weight and get so hot? I mean, when you're a mom and this skinny you're not a parent you're TRANSPARENT...get it?? She's so small she's..TRANS-pare.....ahhh, nevermind.

Looks like it's back to comedy school for me.

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New American Idol is too fat

The very skinny and shapely Meme Roth of National Action Against Obesity said that Jordin Sparks is "too obese" to win American Idol. She says that 17 year old Sparks (winner and daughter of former NFL cornerback Phillipi Sparks), sends the wrong message to kids in the midst of child obesity crisis.

"When I look at Jordin, what I see is heart disease, I see diabetes, I see high cholesterol."

Wow. When I look at Jordin, I see a fat chick with low self-esteem that I would totally bang at 4am while drunk at the bar and out of all options. Because those girls have SUPER-low expectations and will do whatever you want...you know....like let you bring the panini-press into bed and such...

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Pop Culture Pundit will be away...

I'll be away soaking up the sun in the Bahamas over the next few days which will no doubt leave a void in all your gossip-reading lives. I feel bad for you all, but I also feel very lucky for the ladies on the beach who will be paralyzed by my pure sex appeal when they see me in my speedo (err....speedo-influenced swimwear...which may or may not include water-wings..). I would be more then happy to post photos, however, we all know how I enjoy keep this whole 'writing a gossip site' anonymous (I'm not an attention whore or celeb wannabe like others....cough....PEREZHILTON...cough..)

As there will be no updates, please visit some of my favorite sites in my absence (or any of my lovely friends in my link section):


And if you're really bored and want to read the ramblings of a roid-raging, self-obsessed, paranoid, small-penised prick feel free to visit the following site:


I'll see you when I get back! -popculturepundit


Mischa Barton nipple slip

Um, is it really a nipple slip when the WHOLE boob is sticking out? Philosophers for centuries have been debating our attempts at defining the phenomenon of 'the nipple slip'. Where do I stand? On the side of 'nipple-slip' of course, the shear mention of the word stirs my crotch nether-regions and brings joy to the starving and homeless. It's mystery is far more arousing then a full out 'boob-shot'.

Ah yes, if only Voltaire were here to see how far we come...or else that guy in the elevator that brings me my chicken and fries, yes, this would make him very, very happy.

Click HERE for the NSFW version. Want more? HERE, HERE and HERE.

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Paris' sentence cut in half

Paris will only serve half on her 45 day sentence. She's gotten time off for good behaviour.

What exactly is this 'good behaviour'?? Since her sentencing she was photographed driving without a license. That would be the very same criminal act that got her sent to jail in the first place, unless I'm very very stupid...Sorry, did I say 'unless'?? I meant 'and'.

For Paris 'total tool' Hilton, doing the same crime twice IS good behaviour. Thank goodness she didn't do anything really awful, like releasing another cd or giving Magic Johnson AIDS.

But she can always do those things when she gets out. You see, whoever decided to cut her time in half obviously forgot that prison isn't just about punishing criminals. It's also about keeping the general public safe.


Twins. Olsen Twins.

A lovely little rumour has popped up that the Olsen Twins might be doublemint bond girls in the next 007 film. If this is true, it will be the first half way decent thing these girls have ever done.
Think about it. They started off on Full House. Who'd have thought that would be the highest quality project they'd ever be involved in. Children's books, movies, sitcoms, you name it, they've botched it. Have ya SEEN "New York Minute"??? I have. Many many times. It gets worse with each viewing. I'm actually watching it right now. It's horrible. And when I watch it tomorrow, it will be even worse.

Meanwhile, these girls are worth 122 billion dollars apiece. That's a lot of money to be made off crap. Every thing I've done in MY life is crap, and I've got $3.25 and a cat named Eddie who I'll have to eat soon in order to survive. I guess my point is...Bond movies rock.

If YOU think that Bond movies rock, please send five dollars to 13 Britney Spears Lane, Rosewood Trailer Park, Dankview, Arkansas. Please don't make me fricassee Eddie.

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Lindsey Lohan earns my grudging respect

Future Oscar Winner Lindsey Lohan is being sued by a scumbag paparazzi for mowing him down with her car. Okay, let me just take a moment to run down the lowest forms of life on this planet:

5) cockroaches
4) celebrity gossip writers who will probably die as virgins
3) marginally talented but good looking spoiled brat celebrities
2) the guy who coined the phrase "don't go there".
1) paparazzi

As you can see, celebrity brat is still better than paparazzi. The morals of these asswipes would make Lucifer himself say "dude. Seriously, too far." This sperm bucket photog was with the rest of his soulless buddies surrounding Lohan's car. The goat sucker gets lightly tapped by Lohan's car as she tries to leave, and he is now SUING HER. The only thing Lindsey did wrong was not drive repeatedly over his windpipe until he made the world a better place by leaving it. Seriously, we should all pick a day and just go paparazzi hunting. What jury would convict us?How's next Thursday for everyone?

But leave the gossip writers alone. Who are we hurting, really?...oh right...all those people.

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Jessica Alba in GQ

Wow - do I ever feel like a idiot for dumping her now. Jessica is looking pretty fine in her GQ photo spread, much better then she looked back in the days I was dating her...back when she was know simply as 'Howard' and had that charming handle-bar mustache which decidedly complimented her top hat. Howard was quite the joker, always pretending he was Santa and asking the neighborhood kids to sit on his lap for a nickel....ahhhh, the memories....

That WAS Jessica Alba....right??


Grandpa Trump

Donald Trump, who may or may not be the devil, is a grandfather. And I am officially jealous of the little wiener....(The baby, not Trump)

Sure, Trump may be so utterly horrible that the thought of actually being in a room with him made me throw up in my mouth a little just now, and he may be uglier than a mutant warthog who's really let itself go, and his hair does tend to frighten children, and YES, he IS a bastardly little toady whose personality sickens us all, BUT...damn, what was my point? Ah, yes, my point is, it's still not a bad thing to be related to him. Who wouldn't want Trump as their grand pappy?? That kid's gonna get PAID.

In related news, I declared super duper bankruptcy last week, and am willing to dance for nickels.

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Nick and Vanessa make my pants tight

Hey look, it's Nick Lachey and Vanessa Mamavanoo-whatnot in the pool gettin' all freaky! I haven't seen anything this hot since the time I was spying on my neighbors in their hot tub from the tool shed.

Man, that sofa in the tool shed sure got the workout of a lifetime! Let me tell you! I just feel so guilty I never went back to visit the sofa or even call...does that make me a bad person? Should I return it's doily I kept as a souvenir? Am I calling this one in today?? Turn to page 78 if the answer is YES.

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Crossing Jordan cancelled

Well, they finally cancelled Crossing Jordan, which runs Wednesday night on NBC. When I heard it was cancelled, I had to ask myself why. Why did they cancel it now?? Why not four years ago?? Why did they keep it on for so long??

For the billions of viewers who correctly chose to never watch, Crossing Jordan came along just when the whole forensic investigation CSI crap was suddenly the bees knees for all you crazy cats in TV town. But Crossing Jordan really managed to set itself apart from the rest by the sheer intensity of it's sucking. I actually used to watch regularly until I realized it wasn't a comedy.

NBC will be replacing it with a remake of The Bionic Woman. Sadly not joking. It's good to see that NBC is maintaining it's high level of creative thinking in the development department. I shall continue to use Wednesday nights as the time I go through my neighbors trash in an effort to study their eating habits. I don't know why I do this, but I can't seem to stop.


Lindsay Lohan shows us her nipples

Lindsay Lohan showing off her nipple? No, this can't be...it's just too unbelievable she's way above this kind of behavior.

I mean this is the Teen Choice and Blockbuster Video Award winner who is now currently starring in Georgia Rule, the mammoth hit movie that made about .0000063% in it's opening weekend of what Spiderman 3 makes in about 4 minutes. There is no way, some one this classy and successful would do this.*

Check out the NSFW version HERE and more nipply fun with Lindsay Lohan HERE, HERE and HERE.

*who am I kidding? She would eat Britney Spears' underpants if she thought it would get her more press.

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Salma Hayek's boobs...

...are massive! I'm aware she's pregnant, but..WHOA! Is she giving birth to a litter of babies? Because those milk bags could feed a family of 8 for decades! I've taken tours are dairies with less milk....

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Zombie Melanie Griffith scares children

Legally dead and current zombie, Melanie Griffith was spotted shopping in Malibu looking like something straight out of my worst nightmare....worst WET nightmare.

Now, I'm not a lip-reader, but if you look closely at this picture she's actually groaning 'Braaaaains, braaaaains...must eat BRAAAAINSSSS!' I kid, I kid.....but really folks, it's nice that she came back to life for the premier of 28 Weeks Later. ZING!


Christina Aquilera smells money to be made

Christina will be releasing her own fragrance later this year. The perfume will be called "Simply Christina Aguilera". The arrival of the perfume, later this year, be anxiously awaited by all those who every day face the burning shame of not smelling skanky enough.

FYI, I looked into selling my own fragrance, but the corporate fat cats down at Woolworth said there just wasn't a big market for the stench of failure.


Fergie, yikes!

Fergie is giving Britney a run for her money as Fug of the Week. Fergie, who's sick and tired of people asking her "what's that you're wearing on your head" has always been a bit of a butter face, but damn! Wha' happened? Is her face melting?? Did she forget to close her eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened?

A few years ago, she looked like Kirstie Alley, but hot. Now she just looks like Kirstie Alley. Actually, I think Kirstie's got her beat.

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Paris is unbelievably stupid!

See this picture? It's Paris Hilton photographed driving...YESTERDAY! Seems she's totally disregarding the fact that her license is still suspended and just 5 days after she was sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. Let's get into my time machine and relive what Paris just said in court 5 days ago regarding driving on a suspended license:

"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all."

This is the same person who claims to be unfairly targeted by police because she's so pretty and famous. My solution? Throw her 'pretty' ass in a jail cell forever...with a hungry tiger.....no wait with Battle Cat! And while we're at it make it a flaming cell - and while she's surrounded by fire, give her a q-tip, plastic bag and stapler and tell her to MacGyver her way outta there. Yes, THAT would make it all better!

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Jessica Simpson: pornstar

Every day the transformation becomes more and more evident...Jessica Simpson is well on her way to becoming a 1980's pornstar. Either that or an orange-skinned Muppet. I can't decide.

Regardless, it's just disapointing for me. Kinda like pleasuring yourself to a Victoria Secrets catalogue, I mean it's cool and all, but without the 60+ section it's simply anti-climatic.

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Natalie Portman side-boob

If I could have one wish. Just one. It would be for more side-boob in this world. Think about it, with all that side-boob would there be any war? cancer? suffering? ugly chicks interviewing at Hooters? Of course not, in my world side-boob is like the penicillin for all that ails you. It's like the Henry Kissinger of boob. There is nothing better.

In celebration of side-boob, please click HERE for more Natalie Portman giving us a peek.

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Britney is the fug of the week

For those keeping track, Britney was cute hot for 1 year, sexy hot for 2 years, skanky hot for 4 years, then trailer-trash mom fugly for 3 years. But as of late, it's been kind of a week to week thing. We at popculturepundit.com have maintained constant vigilance. We are sad to report that after a three-week run of skanky hot, ole Brit has been downgraded back to fugly. I think the above picture will remove any chance of debate on that subject.

So where did she go astray? You certainly can't blame the outfit. If you can't look hot in one-dollar shades, the always classy second-hand hair band, and the lesbian frilly under-thingy, then there's something wrong. Just wrong. And sad. So very very sad and just plain wrong.

So, here's a fun little game for you. Add a comment, tell me what YOU think put that sour look on her face. Is she listening to one of her own albums? Did someone just hand her a mirror? What's your opinion? C'mon. Wow me.


Paris just doesn't get it

En route to jail, Paris' recent quotes show she's nothing more then stupid girl that just doesn't understand the severity of the situation:

"I think I get in more trouble because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me. It's really annoying. They're [the cops] like, 'What's your phone number? Want to go out to dinner?' "

Sure thing Paris. I think the first thing a police office would do after pulling you over is head to a walk-in clinic for an STD test or possibly a gas station to burn off their hands in case they accidentally made contact with Paris 'I slept with the monkey from Outbreak' Hilton.

In her self-obsessed world, the only reason Santa leaves her presents under the tree is to entice her to join in a gang-bang with him, Tom Cruise and the Easter Bunny. I mean, I've done the nasty with the Tooth Fairy, but Tom Cruise....that's just GAY.

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Britney Spears: mom of the year

Britney was seen leaving a tanning salon with this charming number on her head. Nothing says 'I'm the mother of two lovely children' better then proudly wearing the f-word for all to see.

Kind of reminds me of those t-shirts mom used to make us wear to church, you know, the ones with the unicorns, Hitler and Princess Di? Ah mom, your love for the monarchy and hate of all races surely made for great conversation. Now if only I could figure out those damn unicorns...


Jacko's still got it!

I'm not sure how I feel about MJ, but sometimes I can't help but love him. His antics are so bizarre that you can't even spoof them. Take for example, this new gem.

He's facing a Maternity suit. NO, that's not a paternity suit. A MATERNITY suit. Has this ever happened?? This is an utter impossibility in any known place throughout the universe, except in Jackoland. The Twilight Zone is a dull, listless, and unassuming place in comparison. "Oh, I have three kids, but I'm not sure who the Mom is." What joke could make this better?? I got nothing.

So mad props to Jackson. He is a true artist. His life is his paint. His canvas? Insanity. Howard Hughes, King George III, Britney Spears, they're all rank amateurs in comparison.. The man is a toe jam eating, frilly dress wearing, gibberish spouting, monkey loving, dog licking loon!! He is the King of nutbar, and he can't be touched, you hear me?? Seriously, don't touch him.

Check out this link for more details on the maternity suit (I just love saying that!).

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Lindsay Lohan doing coke on film

What a great weekend! Paris is going to jail, Spiderman 3 blows away box office records and now this...Lindsay Lohan (recently out of rehab) is caught on film doing blow!

This is too good! What's next? Is a video going to surface of John Travolta and Tom Cruise doing anal with Xenu? Will I lose my virginity? Will zombie Anna Nicole do a new Playboy centerfold (what? too soon?)?

Anywhoo - story goes, these pictures where taken of Lindsay doing cocaine and her people are already claiming these as fake. Why deny, it's really no surprise..I mean, Lindsay doing drugs...is the Pope Catholic? Is Bush a Republican? Do I cry myself to sleep every night listening to Tiffany's 'Could of Been?' It's for real, check all the coke-doing pics here.

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Brooke Hogan can kick your ass

I haven't see anything this this tough looking since the movie poster from 'Over the Top.' Brooke is dressed like she's confused whether she's a stripper or muscle-bound drag queen looking to arm-wrestle trucker and part-time arm wrestler, Lincoln Hawk, to help him win back the love and trust of his child after the unfortunate death of his wife.

You couldn't pay me enough to see her perform...unless of course it was to see her sing the Asia classic 'Winner Take All' (movie geeks, please feel free to make the hilarious connection).

p.s. I think if I look close enough I can see a penis....


Jessica gets plastic

Who is this tranny?? I'm starting to think that Jessica is 3 makeovers away from Latoya Jackson.

What happened to that cute girl I used to love from Nick and Jessica? And by 'love' I'm referring to 'making sweet love to my teddy bear as it played in the back ground'.

This I swear, Teddy...this I swear.......

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Ms. Hilton goes to jail!

For once, I finally believe in the American justice system Paris Hilton is going to jail. I'm honestly busting out of my pants with this one. According to sources, this is how it went down:

An emotional Paris, with tears welling in her eyes, told the judge moments before the decision, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Witnesses inside the courtroom say that Paris' parents, Rick and Kathy Hilton, were both visibly upset as the sentence was handed down. Kathy, we're told, was especially distraught.

Moments after Paris Hilton was sentenced to serve 45 days, her mother, Kathy, rushed over to the lead prosecutor and lashed out, "I want your autograph. This is pathetic." In the same breath, as she walked out of the courtroom, Kathy looked up and said, "I can't believe all the money we spent on this."

Okay, I'll admit I'm pumped about this, but it seems that perhaps all of Paris' issues may in fact stem from that fact that her mom (Kathy) is a f-tard - seems she's more worried about money then her daughter.

I bet she'll be selling out to Oprah soon for millions just to tell her how screwed her daughter got from the legal system. Kinda like that guy 'Hitler' when we was falsely accused of the 'Holocaust' - wow, it just seems these 'miscarriages of justice' seem to happen every half century or so...FREE PARIS!

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Petra Nemcova's boob comes out to say hi

I'm sorry, but when I'm on the subway and my penis is hanging out is it in the gossip mags?? NO! Instead I'm featured in 'police beat' and 'arrested' - you call this equality? I call it racism...or something....

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Hasselhoff: drunk on tape

David "I miss Kitt" Hasselhoff was caught drunk on tape recently, bare-chested, slurring his speech and eating a hamburger. Not unlike my Mom at her baby shower.

Hasselhoff, who claims alcohol was directly responsible for his decision to do Baywatch Nights back in 1995, said this in his defense:

"I'm gonna fesslezel brella. Beer me. I never guzz flecking gralalalli plaa".

He then soiled his pants.

Hasselhoff has had a long time struggle with alcoholism. Whether he can recover from this recent relapse remains a question. But the more important question is, why did my cousin Joe post that video of my Mom's baby shower on Youtube?? WHY??

Check out the video of The Hoff at his worst HERE.


Kate Bosworth slips a nipple

From the 'it's both hot and sad' files, Kate Bosworth shows off her boob to both us and a child while on vacation. Does the fact that I'm not turned on make me gay? Alright...gay-ISH??

For the uncensored NSFW version click here.

Paris Hilton autopsy

Don't get your hopes up. She's not dead. It's just a sculpture of her, dead and laid out a coroners table. The sculpture is meant to show the dangers of drinking and driving.

So why is her Chihuahua there? Is this common practice at autopsies, bring in the family pet to identify the body??Maybe little Tinkerbell wanted to be sure she was finally free. It does look like the dog is pointing and laughing at her.

And why is she naked with her legs all splayed out? No one wants to see Paris Hilton naked and dead. Actually, forget the dead part, no one wants to see her naked. Actually, forget the naked part, just no one wants to see her. Seriously, the girl is ugly. Give a guy a photo of Paris Hilton on her best day, and another of his Grandmother, and he'd be pleasuring himself to the sight of Granny's sagging milk bags of love before using Hilton's scary visage. Um......So I've heard.


Kate Moss is doing drugs

If one thing after-schools specials have taught me (other then don't get into hot tubs with strange naked men) it's don't spill your drugs on your jeans. Well it seems Kate Moss might have missed that lesson.

But please, at least from a financial stand point this is so f'ed up! I mean, if I spill beer on the floor I'm on my hands and knees lapping it up, because that stuff costs money! But cocaine on the pants? I'd shake 'em and sniff whatever comes off of them - dust, drugs, laundry detergent...ANYTHING! And just because you're a rich supermodel doesn't mean you can't sniff your own pants.


Lindsay Lohan has something she doesn't want you to see

What? A mystery? Looks like it's time to jump into the mystery solving van and spring into action! Here's what's we've got so far thanks to the lovely and fertile Vera at imnotobsessed.com:

Lindsay Lohan just can't seem to stop partying - and, unluckily for her, word on the street is that someone may have recorded her revelry with a cellphone video camera. We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing, but if true, it won't sit well with her younger fans.

Hmmm..now I'm not an 'investigator' per se, but after years of watching Murder She Wrote I think I've developed a bit of intuition in these types of circumstances and have come to the only logical conclusion: Lindsay Lohan has killed a drifter and ate his remains. It's the only thing at this point that she can do that would truly offend her fans.

Well, it's either that or it's a sex tape or her and Colonel Mustard. I can go either way.


Roseanne wants to host The View

Hey, Roseanne Barr wants to take over for departing Rosie O'Donnell as Co-Host of The View. She's the perfect choice. They're practically interchangeable. Rosie and Roseanne! The Roses! Roe, Roe: The Boats! The place where erections go to die! Listed as reasons one and two in The Gay Man's Manifesto "Why We Went The Other Way".

I'm all for Roseanne as a replacement. I think it's best for everyone if we keep her contained to a sector of the mass media in which there is no conceivable WAY under any circumstances, from here unto the infinite vastness of eternity, that I would ever EVER watch.

As for Rosie O'Donnell, who's leaving The View for horizons unknown, I know I speak for everyone when I say that we hope she goes far. We don't care where. Just......FAR.

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Britney Spears does something even worse!

(...and we thought her posing for that picture was the most horrible thing that could ever happen.)

Three years ago, Spears earned praise and gratitude from music lovers everywhere when she announced she was going to take a break from her career. But this golden age of music came to a tragic end yesterday, as Spears returned to "work", "performing" her "music" on stage at a San Diego Club.

Wearing a miniskirt, a sequenced bikini top, a choke collar and a brown hair wig, she pranced around on stage lip-syncing her old songs. If this sounds eerily familiar to anyone, then they've obviously seen me at The Banana Hammock Lounge on Karaoke night.

Britney disappointed thousands of teenage girls three years ago when she stopped recording albums, and hundreds of thousands of lonely middle aged men when she stopped making music videos.

Of course, that was back in 2004, after Britney announced she was "taking a break from music", so that she could concentrate all her efforts into going completely insane.


Britney Spears topless

And in related news, cases of uncontrolled vomiting sweeps North America...I can't believe that she posed for this picture or that she needed flowers to cover her naughty bits - wouldn't it be more appropriate to use silver dollars or pancakes or fire..lots and lots of fire?

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Naomi Campbell makes a funny joke

Naomi Campbell got big laughs the other day with her outrageous claim that she's allergic to alcohol. That's a good one, considering she's more notorious than Tara Reid for her partying ways.

"I'm not going to lie about my problems" lied Naomi. She also denied being in denial.

Someone should tell her that waking up with soiled underwear in a pool of your own vomit isn't an allergic reaction to alcohol. It's just a side effect. And it's totally worth it.

If she's allergic to booze, then I'm allergic to getting punched repeated in the head with brass knuckles. My face always breaks out in hives. Bruise coloured hives.


Christina Ricci bares all

Already a veteran actress at age 27, Christina "I'm not allowed within 500 yards of her" Ricci got into character for her newest film by walking around nude while on set. Ricci, who doesn't like it when people break into her house and go through her underwear drawer, plays a free spirited nymphomaniac in the upcoming movie "Black Sun Moan" and wanted to be' like her character' completely unselfconscious and comfortable with her body.

Typical Hollywood double standards. When Christina gets all naked and jiggly in public, she's a "dedicated method actor". Pffft. But when I do it, I'm "ruining yet another family reunion". You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Guys??

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