The very attractive, witty and well-hung man behind this whole mess of a gossip site would like to wish you a Happy New Year!
Over the course of the last few months I've tried my best to maintain my day job and bang all the chicks I can while updating the site as regularly as possible...well not 'bang all the chicks' per se, but my profile on lavalife is getting like TONS of action lately...(tons = two hits, one of which may or may not be my mom...but she's a real cool mom!). Let's be honest though, I've been pretty much calling it in over the holidays as no one really cares what happens in Hollywood over Christmas (or Christmas II for that matter).
However, in the new year there is much to look forward to, most importantly the site will be undergoing a major update and redesign and will have a whole new look (with a little more pink then you babies are used to)!
Now time to go out, get trashed and party like a rockstar! That's right....no panties and smashing my valet with a gold spanking paddle! WOOOO!
See you in 2007!
To be filed under 'bone-head move of the centuy' Nick Lachey turned down a threesome involving a mom and daughter because he found the women "creepy" since they were from Nebraska. The 33-year-old said:
"I was propositioned by a mother and a daughter back in 1997 when 98 Degrees were performing. In some places, the mother-daughter combination might be intriguing but not so much in Nebraska. It was kind of creepy."
Seriously, by Nick turning down that threesome I'm going out on a limb here and saying he's worse then Hilter. You don't have to be Socrates to figure that that would be the coolest thing ever, a mom and a daughter. By saying no, I guess our safe assumption is that we just have to assume Nick is clinically retarded...either that or super-retarded (trust me, I'm a doctor - there is a difference).
As we're on cusp of a brand new year we are all reminded of the all the great memories from the past year and of course all things gay. Why? Because gays are hilariously jovial at new years parties, almost as excited as I got when Scooby Doo and the Gang foiled old man Higgins! That kept me on an emotional high for weeks! (hmmm...don't know where I'm going with that, seems I've begun my New Years drinking a tad early)
Speaking of gay, check out the top 10 gayest moments of the past year.
Check it out: the gayest moments of 2006
Julia Roberts is pregnant with her third child and is expected to give birth this summer with her husband of 4 years, Danny Moder. Page six says:
Her pregnancy is somewhat of a surprise since the star, 39, had so much difficulty with her first effort to start a family with cameraman hubby Danny Moder, 37. In November 2004, she gave birth to twins Phinnaeus Walter and Hazel Patricia - but only after months of round-the-clock bed rest that followed a scare in which she was rushed to the hospital with false labor.
Let's keep in mind her last two kids got named Phinnaeus and Hazel how is she going trump those? Rog-tard 5000? Gleek? Jesus II? We're all on the edge of our seats in anticipation....well, that's assuming my apartment has chairs - but you know what I mean.
Paris Hilton was in Sydney, Australia yesterday to host a New Year's party and help judge a contest to find a new spokeswoman for the Australian beer Bondi Blonde.
Along the way she stopped at a beach and took a shower infront of everyone in the most pornographic way she possibly could for no real reason whatsoever. I guess being dumb, rich and adding to her collection of VDs is not enough for her, seems she needs to resort to these kind of publicity tactics to ensure she gets the attention she needs.
I'm no scientist, but as soon as I'd see Paris come anywhere close to the beach I'd get everyone out of the water and close it down. That crotch of hers can't be healthy for the levels of toxins in the water. And while I was at it I'd burn the towel she was tanning on, because some smells just don't come out, and mustard - that NEVER comes out.
In a move that surprises no one at all, Christina Aguilera has admitted she often finds nude girls more of a turn-on than guys. She was quoted in a in a magazine interview saying:
"We should all be allowed to enjoy whatever we enjoy. Women are beautiful beings and I often find the sight of a naked female more arousing than a naked man."
This Pulitzer Prize level reporting is brought to you by the Sun Online. Now please excuse me as I hump my computer monitor.
In a move to prove that God wants all babies to suffer, Britney Spears has announced she wants to adopt a tsunami orphan from Bali named 'Wang', yes, Wang (unless she wants this kid to get his ass kicked on a daily basis I would suggest changing that name, perhaps to "Turd-Burglar" or "Stanley").
Britney, who has two children already with her estranged husband K-Fed has been consulting with Madonna, who recently adopted a Malawi boy. So we know this is going to turn out really well.
Britney's life is like a 95 year old man driving a car straight into the farmer's market, she so out of control there is no way any agency would allow someone so unfit to adopt. Unless of course they take into consideration that she's a celebrity, because they can't do anything wrong.
Taking yet another break from AA, Lindsay Lohan proceeded to conduct additional "research" at Scores in NYC early Wednesday morning for her new film. According to Page Six, that research included the following:
-Partying at the hooker haunt for three hours
-Getting lap dances from many of the girls, including a special double-dance from two strippers at once
-Jumping onstage to do a wild bump-and-grind
-Then ushering topless dancers into the bathroom to apologize for recently calling them all "whores"
Seriously, with all this partying my Lindsay Lohan death watch continues. It's only a matter of time until she's found passed out with 12 dead strippers, a monkey and an eye patch on her vagina....YARRRRR!!!
Lindsay Lohan rang in Christmas the only way she knows how, getting drunk at a nightclub. She spent Christmas Eve by arriving at Lotus around 11:30. Her and her pals stayed and drank down the free booze until 3 a.m., when most were already fast asleep with images of sugar-tits dancing in their heads.
Now I'm no "doctor" or "gynecologist" or even "attractive" but isn't the whole point of AA to not drink or get drunk? Well, at least we know her life is super-terrific enough to warrant binge drinking as opposed to spending time with her family on Christmas.
Hey all you guys who fantasize about having sex with bags of cottage cheese, you're in luck! Check out these new pics of Tara Reid and her terrible terrible body, she looks like a sloppy 65 year old woman made of playdough - either that or she's a Barbarapapa. Sick.
The following Christmas message was posted on Jessica's offcial fan site:
happy holidays to all of my fans. i am spending much needed family time in the colorado rockies. i send y'all my genuine huge smile hoping it makes its way to brighten your christmas day...very dorky rhyme, but hey what can i say...i am a dork. daisy doesn't enjoy the role of santa in this picture, but the idea was just too cute to resist. i love all of y'all with my whole heart and my hope is for each and every one of your christmas wishes to come true
Honestly, the only thing lamer then this would be her buying puppies for every homeless kid in the word. Then exploding on stage. That would be my gift y'all.
Happy Boxing Day!
Yep. Miss Nevada has gone and out-done Miss America and Miss Teen USA combined. She makes Girls Gone Wild look like last's years father/son picnic in comparisson (and DAMN that was a great picnic!).
Anyway, nothing funny about this, just pure hotness! Check out the super unrated, very hot uncensored pics here.
In a attempt to increase her already high levels of style and class, here is a picture of Kirsten Dunst carrying CDSA 2.0 (Comprehensive Digestive Stool Analysis).
That's disgusting, don't celebrities have "people" to take care of these things? Don Knotts would never be caught with this, he'd be like 'Hey Santos, my poop looks funny, go get me one of them CDSA kits..no wait, it really looks bad...make it a 2.0'
Gross. Kirsten has just been downgraded to 'stank'.
Britney's not the only one dumping K-Fed.
The only company that ever hired Kevin Federline has also gotten rid of the "rapper". This summer, K-Fed was chosen to rep Five Star Vintage. According to TMZ.com Federline's contract was allowed to "expire" and his image has been completely removed from the brand.
K-Fed's life is like owning a chainsaw car - it's cool to look, drive and cut down trees, but no one really wants to own a chainsaw car. It's no where near as cool as a catapult full of cobras! COBRAAAA!
Every basement-living nerd's wet dream is here. Click to see the NEW trailer.
Now that Halle Berry has done it all; won an Oscar, cured cancer and adopted baby whales, she's taking the logical next step: recording an album.
I don't get this, Halle releasing an album is like me starting a karate school - except my fists are furious and Halle's musical talents are a step below Tito Jackson. Yeah, I said it. Check out the track list here.
News of the World reports that a blonde 29-year old is taking Mel Gibson to court for a DNA test to prove she's his secret daughter. She says:
"I'm not doing it for his money. I just want to meet the man I've always known was my dad - and for him to get to know his grandson. I'd love it if he recognized us as family. I'm not looking for a meal ticket. I am happy with my life."
The 29-year old's mom was apparently a 17-year old hitchhiker that Mel boned in the bag of his station wagon. Seriously? Stuff like that does happen outside of porn? Then I guess it's time to trade in my bus pass for a wagon - hello ladies!
I guess what's on all our minds is; how is that raging drunk, Mel Gibson, going to blame this on the Jews? Because you know they are responsible for everything, the man could stumble upon a bunch of rainbows and puppies dancing and signing and his drunk ass would still yell at them to get off his lawn and apologize for killing Jesus.
Read more about Mel's love child here.
Get this..Paris Hilton is claiming she's celibate, when she was asked by a reporter how long it's been since she's had sex she replied:
"About six or seven months, I think. I don't care. I would rather just make out and kiss someone instead of sex. I've only been in, like, two relationships and I just thought I'd like to be single. Sex is sacred. People shouldn't have sex unless they're in an exclusive relationship anyway. I'd rather not do anything. Guys want you more when you don't do it! Young girls should know that."
I can't be sure but I'm assuming Paris is confused in regards to "word definitions". I think her definition of sex involves 'watching season 3 of Full House then shaving one of her poodles in a gas station toilet' because otherwise this chick is very much having sex. Uncle Danny and Uncle Joey agree.
Britney Spears got boo'd at a Lakers game this weekend after being shown on the scoreboard, which caused her toget up and leave early in a huff. Woe is you Britney, woe is you.
I really don't think she should be so sensitive about these things...booing is very common where I'm from - I boo my mom's meatloaf, I boo my own performance in bed, I boo poor people, my fortune cookie boo'd me at dinner last night when I opened it. Booing should much more widely used, booing is like a big briefcase full of AWESOME!
Read more about this story here. BOO!
According to New York magazine, there'll be no swanky swag at the Oscars or Golden Globes, courtesy of the only sane man in Hollywood, Edward Norton. The awards have scrapped giving out gift bags worth in the ballpark of $100K, because the actor complained so much, and the IRS also was getting wind of the extent of the freebies. Norton says:
"Picking through $35,000 gift baskets is disgusting and shameful. My suggestion was to have the Academy commit to charitable contributions in the name of the winners."
It makes a ton of sense, the last group that needs freebies are rich spoiled actors. But personally, I can't really see the point, I dip endangered baby pandas in gold, only to throw them away because they bore me.
Frankly, I was not going to post an article about this story as I'm not big on the "pageant scene" as it lacks the excitement of monster trucks shows and the chilling suspense of the dog show circuit - but over the last 24 hours this story has gotten a lot more interesting. According to the NY Daily News Miss USA Tara Conner has been fired and sent home to Kentucky.
This wasn't simply regarding a little underage drinking, apparently she was "a party animal," who brought a string of men back to her Trump Place apartments. And this is where it gets good: it wasn't just men! Hold on to your hats gentlemen and get ready to hump the monitor, but it is rumored that Connor and Miss Teen USA Katie Blair would engage in lesbian romps at some of the city's hotspots. LESBIAN ROMPS!
"I've seen them kiss before," says one source. "They always dance all sexy on the tables."
Oh, and she failed a drug test. Thanks to her cocaine use in NY nightclubs. Read more here....LESBIAN ROMPS!
This picture truly speaks for itself, I could put on a horse costume and still look hotter then her. I'd rather have sex with a bag of bones in a dumpster infront of every ex-girlfriend of mine from highschool then even look at this picture again (yep, all three of 'em!).
Is it getting hot in here or has my crotch burning finally reached epidemic-level? (Let's all assume a little from column A and a little from column B).
It seems Elisha Cuthbert will be the next to show her beav to the world as she's now rolling with Paris a la Britney Spears.
We'll have to see if the curse of Paris continues, because we all know how that worked out for Brit (p.s. I wear panties more often then Britney! MAN-PANTIES!)
Does this really have anything to do with the previous 3 movies? You mine as well make it about unicorns and have Jem and the Holograms record the soundtrack because that would make way more sense.
Kevin Federline is prepared to write a tell-all book about his ex Britney that would include tales of wild drinking, drug use, her fantasies about other women (yesssssss!) and her theories on time-travel, yes HER THEORIES ON TIME-TRAVEL. However, this book will obviously go away if he is offered a sizable divorce settlement. A source says:
"Kevin is either hoping a publisher will pay him big money for the book or that Britney will cough up more cash than what's in their prenup to keep him from spilling the beans."
I'm picturing something along the lines of 'Murder She Wrote' with K-Fed furiously typing away in a cardigan, having murders occur around him that only he can solve! Either that or he'll sit down in front of the laptop mindlessly pooping himself as he curses his illiteracy.
We've all now seen Jessica messing up the lyrics of Nine to Five at the Kennedy center honors - well gents, it doesn't end there. Jessica is reportedly having problems with her lines on the set of Blonde Ambition and needed an earpiece so a crew member could read her her lines. A source says:
"After the seventh take on one shot, the director hid a microphone in her ear so a crew member could feed her lines," a source told the tab. "Everyone was embarrassed for her, but she laughed it off, saying 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry." Co-star Luke Wilson was sympathetic, reports the source, and "patted (Simpson) on the back and told her it would be okay."
That's ok Jessica, we heard Shakespeare was a terrible actor as well, which is why he became a playwrite. Imagine that! She can finally work on her long anticipated stage adapt of 'Sweet Valley High', remember, the one where that girl got to kiss the quarterback but then decided that her true love was the president of the science club? That's classic literature folks, CLASSIC!
Has her implant shifted? Or did her boob just run out of air? Well, I'm no scientist and I flunked out of math camp, so I guess we can only speculate that global warming is responsible...or terrorism...or whatever those Americans are scared of next.
Britney is making out with a new man and his name is JR. One minute he was just an ordinary multi-platinum record producer, but now "J.R." Rotem is an ubber-star thanks to giving Britney some much needed mouth-to-mouth.
Britney is so messed up lately I'm surprised she actually was sober enough to recognize a man - I was assuming her next sexual conquest would be with a shaved Sasquatch or Chupacabra perhaps even a donkey, who knows?
...or Paris and Nicki: sluts who just pose for stupid pictures. If I were that rich I'd act like an idiot for a few years, but I'm certain I'd get sick of it and eventually do something rewarding with all those dollar bills, but not the Hilton girls - they are simply content to make themselves look like bigger morons every single day.
I haven't seen anything this stupid since I baked myself into that Christmas cake and waited outside a girl's house for hours and hours on Christmas Eve to no avail. Why did I bake myself into a cake you ask? Because of the restraining order retards! It's not like I can just show up at her house like that..duh...but I'll be damned if that cake didn't taste like people! Westsyyyyyyde!
Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI early this morning when she was spotted driving her SUV the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank.
When the CHP (not the two hot guys on the motorbikes) responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone. Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot. A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.
Judging by her size I'd assume it would take nothing more then a slimfast shake and two ice cubes to get her tanked. But I hold nothing against her, I was arrested for a similar offense just recently; DUOL...driving under the influence of LOVE...that's right ladies, I drive SEXY....yes I do....
Then why am I the one throwing up every morning? Oh wait, that's right, my drinking problem.
So, the new hot rumour is that Lindsay may now be preggers. Oh the humanity. I think I saw this before in a movie, was it 'The Nativity Movie' or 'The Omen'? I can't remember if Lindsay will be giving birth to Jesus or Satan. However, if this chick is pregnant I'm going have sex with a corpse, because the world is ending anyway, so mine as well throw caution to the wind and go out with a bang (so to speak)!
So here's what we know: lately Lindsay has been wearing maternity tops and is putting on weight...sounds like every girl I dated in the early 90's (damn flannel). And since it seems to be a trend in Hollywood to get pregnant I would not put it past her. More babies = more Oscar worthy roles. I'll admit, this seems to be a stretch - but if it's true I feel for that kid.
To the man who may be the baby daddy out there: fake your own death bitch! You're screwed!
A 32 year old melting woman, eh? I'd still hit it, even though she makes my head look good in relation.
Recently a rumour circulated that Beyonce was actually born in 1974, which would make her seven years older than her reported age of 25. Or 136 in dog years.
That's not a big deal to me - lying about your age is fairly common place. Truth be told, I'm guilty of it as well...when I'm online I'm usually posing as a 14 year old girl....uh...I mean scratch that...I never lie about my age (suckers). But what's worse is Beyonce's wig (see above pic) - someone has got to teach that girl to glue it on properly. If it's anything like the fake moustache I'm always sporting it really outta be easy as pie! Ole!
Lindsay Lohan once again recently sent a cracked-out rambling turd of an email to her lawyers and everyone is her address book. Gaze into the mind of madness and read below...
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."
Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press."
Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people...because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
Lohan then mentions taking a mystery person she refers to as "LR" to court for "what she's done to me.
"It's my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be."
Lohan said she wanted to "hold a press conference" and "will do anything necessary to do so." She said she is at "such a young and tender age in a woman's life. It's enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change."
Can anyone hear the days counting down in the Lindsay Lohan O.D. death watch? If she really wants to make an impact on 'older and younger' generations I'd suggest the following: kick the booze and drugs for a few days, learn proper spelling (speak 'n spell could help here) and then try to rehab your image. Otherwise, she can go back to talking to her stuffed animals about the time she talked to Al Gore and then flew to the moon on her magical unicorn (because we all know unicorns can't breath in space...duh...)
Shania Twain is back - and I'm a happy man as a result, but tell me - do those puppies look a tad enhanced to you? Regardless of whether they are fake or not, I'd make out with Dr.Phil just to get a chance with Shania! Heck, I'd make out with Dr.Phil for a ham sandwhich.....uh...um...nevermind..
Guess whose going to prison? According to Cops Online there now is critical new information released about Prison Break star Lane Garrison's alcohol-impaired car wreck in Los Angeles, which resulted in the death of a teenage boy.
According to TMZ, Garrison was in fact the driver of the SUV at the time of the accident. And, he was seen drinking f'ing heavily that evening, doing shots of vodka at a party.
Five eyewitnesses from the party tell TMZ that Garrison arrived at the party with Setian and two women, whom he had met earlier at a gas station. They say Lane brought a bottle of Grey Goose vodka to the party and unveiled the bottle to the crowd with a flourish. The gathering was described by several attendees as a "kick back of around 30 people." The eyewitnesses, all acquaintances of Setian, say that Garrison then started taking shots of the vodka and offering shots to other partygoers. Several eyewitnesses also said photographs were taken of Garrison consuming alcohol.
Now I'm no 'prison guard' (or 'smart' or 'sexually proficient' for that matter), but I'd keep an eye on that one. Especially if he makes a long trip to the tattoo parlor before sentencing.
Britney Spears has been on a nightlife rampage over the last recent weeks, which has everyone wondering if this really how the mother of two toddlers should be acting?
It seems (according the Page Six) so is the L.A. Department of Children and Family Services. A source says that DCFS has called to set up a meeting, and that they want to check up on Sean Preston and Jayden James. Unfortunately, when you're out all night getting tanked, playing on a stripper pole and making out with Paris Hilton, it's kind of tough to get a hold of you.
My big question is 'where's K-Fed?' You know, the great dad who has never payed child support a day in his life to any of his kids - the guys that left his pregnant wife and who can't tell the difference between his children, an eye patch and speak 'n' spell..(how can you blame him? they all look alike when you're high all the time)..I guess as long as he doesn't eat his babies he's cool, right?
Somewhere in the world tonight a rainbow flag will silently be lowered to flying half mast...and by that I mean Lance will be dropping his pants for a gay hooker tonight.
I'm kidding, I should really learn to be more sensitive to these things and I know exactly where to start; in a move show my compassion for Lance and Reichen and the difficult time they're going through I'll cancel my manicure and pedicure...
...oh wait, I guess I should also cancel my date tonight, you know, the guy I like to call "the sheriff" who shows up at my door in spandex and black leather boots. Am I under arrest? Or do I have the right to remain SEDUCED!
Speculation is all over the "information superhighway" thanks to various insider sources that Britney and Paris are actually much much more.
The source claims "when they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off." and that "they can't wait to get home together".
Is this a hot visual? Is this true? Are those genital warts? I can't decide...more to come.....
According to Page Six, Beyonce and Jay-Z will be getting married this weekend under the guise of a 'birthday party':
"Beyonce is throwing Jay a four-day birthday party, but it's really a wedding," says one source. Guests were told to have their passports ready by Friday for a party on a yacht in St. Barts. But then attendees will go to Anguilla for the wedding at tony resort Cap Juluca. No word from the rap mogul or the pop princess on their plans.
If I had a nickel for everytime someone threw me a birthday party then ended up turning into my wedding I'd be a billionaire. A billionaire and the unhappiest man in the world, well actually second unhappiest man in the world, the first is the guy in my building who had a heart attack wearing panties and a training bra in the middle of the hallway, only to be revived and eaten by a large grizzly bear. Think about it, that would suck.
Talented actress and large-chested Scarlett Johansson has said she is now ready to strip for a film, if it's the right part. She said:
"I'm still making up my mind about when I'll do a nude scene. I'm not opposed to doing nudity, it would just have to be the right project, maybe some sensational European art film."
She also added:
"I'm proud of my breasts. I call them my girls. They're my charms, my feminine wiles. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, my body and my face. Well, not always my face, but it's stuck there and there's nothing I can do about it."
I have a "sensational European art film" project that's perfect for her, let me describe it for you: it'll be a gritty arty film perhaps even shot with a handheld (for authenticity - not that I can't afford anything better..), it'll be set in a very murky, musty and exotic location called "my parent's basement" and the plot revolves around me and Scarlett being locked down there and doing the nasty for hours upon hours. Yeah, yeah I'll admit the screenplay needs tweaking - but the idea is rock solid. SCORE!
To no one's surprise Britain's People's newspaper has reported that Madonna and Ritchie entered counseling saying the following:
"Guy and Madonna's relationship - which has previously been rocked by the singer's busy work schedule and her fascination with the Kabbalah - reportedly came under a new strain after Guy felt left out from the highly-publicized adoption battle for fourteen-month-old David Banda."
Well I'm glad they're attempting to sort out their marriage, maybe Guy can now finally work out his problems and concentrate on being a better husband - as opposed to spending all his time hanging out with that skinny weird tranny with the red bracelet....you know, the one that sings...and buys black market babies...
Read more here.
Now Britney Spears is stripping. When will it ever end?
The vag-baring popstar has been pole-dancing with her new best friend, Paris Hilton, who has been giving her private striptease lessons, according to U.K. reports. The two have reportedly been practicing on a stripper pole in Hilton's Hollywood house.
"Paris took Britney upstairs where she fitted her in a blue tutu, and then Paris put on a matching tutu," a source told the London Star. "They then went downstairs and danced at Paris' in-house stripper pole. Britney loves her new moves and can't wait to get a fella and test them out."
Why am I not surprised Paris has a stripper pole in her house? I just wish they would come over to my house and practice on my stripper pole. And by "stripper pole" I mean the pole on my bunkbed...and then maybe they could help me build my fort on the bottom bunk...HOT!
Jessica Simpson was in tears last night after flubbing a song she was performing during the Kennedy Center Honors.
Simpson was on stage singing Nine to Five as part of the tribute to Dolly (big rack) Parton, one of the evening's five guests of honor. Simpson ended her performance abruptly with the words "so nervous" and quickly exited the stage. The stunned audience remained silent, giving her no applause. Simpson appeared to be crying when she and other singers in the tribute returned to the stage (let's be clear, she was crying because I called her backstage to tell her we were through not due to the performance...).
I don't quite understand what Jessica's problem is, Nine to Five is like the easiest song ever! I could go on stage infront of all those people sword fighting a monkey while simultaneously on fire and I would still totally nail it! And I don't mean like just squeak by, I mean I'd easily be nominated for a Tony based on my performance...or a People's Choice Award, because that's the only one that matters because it's voted on by PEOPLE and not robots like the Blockbuster Awards. Damn robots.
Lane Garrison - the actor who portrays "Tweener" on Fox's Prison Break - was involved in a car crash in Los Angeles, early Sunday morning which has proven to be fatal.
Garrison, 26, only had minor injuries, but his car - carrying three teenagers - somehow struck a tree, killing a 17-year-old boy. Two 15-year-old girls inside the vehicle were also injured, one critically.
We're not sure if Garrison was intoxicated at the time or not, but I would think that if you have two 15 year old girls in your car you'd have to be wasted out of your mind, either that or you'd be my dirty Uncle Dave (God rest his dirty old soul). Either way, I hope he was cranking the Hilary Duff at the time, because that's what all the cool kids are doing now days.
Read more about this story here.
The day has finally come...Jenna Jameson, the world's most popular porn star, has taken some time out of her busy schedule of spreading love and joy to all men in the world to give some advice to Britney Spears.
Star Magazine reports that when asked of Britney Spears' recent vagina exposing, pantyless, c-section baring adventures with the paparazzi Jenna said the following:
"More power to her! If you've got it, flaunt it!" Jameson, 32, told Star magazine on Dec. 2, during the VH1 Big in '06 Awards at Sony Pictures Studios in Culver City, Calif. "I've lived my life like that -- and obviously, so has Britney."
Wow. Powerful words from a real humanitarian. If I had a choice to meet any great person, dead or alive, Jenna is creeping up on Jesus and Einstein. I think if I actually met her, my brain would explode of excitement and my head would role right off my friggin' shoulders. Now where's my eyepatch?
It seems while I was at home last night watching Puerto Rican public access TV Britney Spears went all out for her 25th birthday (I knew I shouldn't have stayed in!).
The vagina-flashing mom of two spent some time with her eldest son at the Los Angeles Zoo, and later going out to dinner at Mr. Chow's with some pals and her manager, Larry Rudolph.
However the party got really retarded at a bar near the Laugh Factory on Sunset Blvd. around midnight where Brit was joined by Paris Hilton and Fergie too (fresh from the VH1 Big in '06 Awards) where the three of them seemed to be having a great time (according to some guy attending who wasn't me).
Paris departed around 2 AM, while a partying Brit still held court. Rumour has it Britney hooked up with someone in the club bathroom after hours...details are still pending..
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my Pirate Exam..YARRRRR!!!
TMZ reports that K-Fed is still hoping his 15 minutes of fame aren't over. Apparently he's pitching his own reality TV show to the producers of E's "House of Carters." Says producer Kenneth Crear, "The show will show him for who he is, but [will] not smear" Britney.
This makes a whole lot of sense - since America's Most Wanted has gone off the air K-Fed's demographic has been vastly under-represented on TV. Besides Dog the Bounty Hunter who else is there to entertain the white trash?
I for one support this move, I've even come up with a name for the show 'K-Fed having sex with a homeless chick behind a dumpster for booze' or 'K-Fed: will work for gummi bears'. Ah reality TV...will you ever lose?
More pictures of Stacy Keibler here.
Friday afternoon Lindsay Lohan's publicist released the following statement:
"Yes, she's been attending some [Alcoholics Anonymous] meetings, and it's going to be a slow process. This is a positive period. Let's hope that the press doesn't turn it into a negative. Maybe if (the press) backs off on her she'll be in a good space. Let's see if we don't have to hear about it every day, and they're following her and trying to find her. Because that will just really not be good."
Shortly thereafter I released a statement of my own:
"Stinky turds!!! Stinky turds!!! Stinky TURDS!!"
Do these stories relate? No. But I sure hope that when Lindsay sobers up she's just as easy.
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