POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Zombie Sharon Stone is thirsty

Have you seen this recent pic of Sharon Stone? Or should I say 'Zombie Sharon Stone' - not only does she looks moments away from death, but she's sucking the freaking life-force out of that shake!

I wonder what Zombie Sharon is thinking in that picture?? "Brraaiiins.....BRAAAINS....Zombie Sharon ask for brains next time in mango-wheat grass shake...."

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Vanessa Minnillo drops her towel

Life and Style is publishing naked pictures of Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey taken while the two were on vacation in Mexico this past weekend.

The pics are pretty hot, but I'm just curious to when she got that tattoo that says 'censored' across her chest - I mean, it gives her tons of street cred, but really ruins the view- if you know what I'm saying.

Check out more HERE.

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Full House is fully grown

Remember Stephanie Tanner from Full House? I think I vaguely remember some little annoying kid getting into some trouble each episode only to learn a 'valuable lesson' in each very special ending from her creepy dad or gay uncles...

Well it seems Jodie Sweetin has grown quite a bit since those days. And by 'grown' I'm obviously referring to her spiritual growth and emotional maturity...not in any way am I referring to her large melons. Or her hooters. Or rack.


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The Spice Girls reunite!

Finally! The band you couldn't stand 10 years ago officially announced their reunion yesterday in London. The Daily Mail says:

Seven years after splitting up, the Spice Girls have announced a worldwide comeback spectacular. The girl band will kick off a world tour in America. The five - now all in their thirties - will start on 7 December in Los Angeles. The group, including Victoria Beckham, Melanie Brown, Melanie Chisholm, Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton fell straight back in sync, striking familiar poses for the world's media. The reunion tour, which is set to hit London on December 15 and take in Madrid, Koln, Las Vegas, Sydney, Cape Town and Buenos Aires among others will certainly be lucrative for the Spices. They are expected to pocket about 20 million dollars each.

Wow, they've really let themselves go. I think I'd rather see the cast of the 700 Club naked and dancing in pools of Jello before I even consider checking these has-beens out. I'm terrified to even imagine what the concert's going to be like - I'm thinking lights, guitar solos, fake boobs and an audience full of suicidal MILFs looking to reclaim their youth. Yikes.


Hayden Panettiere likes bums

This pic of the cheerleader from Heros is big time creepy...less about the statue and more so considering she's like 12, trust me, my parole officer agrees. Think that's creepy? Check THIS picture out of her friend taking money and grabbing her butt.

Regardless, I'm going to confession tomorrow.

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Victoria Beckham likes to spend money

Victoria Beckham apparently has more money then trust in her own fashion sense. In Touch reports:

Victoria designed a $500,000 closet for her new L.A. home. It supposedly features a leather floor, Baccarat crystal chandelier, $80,000 Andy Warhol shoe print, a computer that tracks when she wears items of clothing and a camera to give her a 360-degree "cat scan" of her outfit before she steps out.

Wow, I guess when you're rich there's always money to blow on useless crap like a robot closet helper. Just like there's always time for a sexual misadventure with a drifter! See the similarities? I do!


Britney can't seem to cover up

Former popstar (and current slut), Britney Spears, was spotted with her boob hanging out as she tried on clothes at Jill Roberts in Beverly Hills yesterday.

I'm sorry, but judging by Britney's antics lately, if you haven't seen her boob by now you've probably either been living on the moon, Quebec....or my basement, which is also commonly referred to as 'the steamy lair of pulsing lust' - it's just too bad those girls locked down there don't seem to see it that way...must be the exposed installation and wires...because otherwise it's totally not creepy and very, very sensual.

Check the NSFW version HERE.

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Eva Longoria is for sale

It has just been reported that Eva Longoria has sold her wedding photo rights to OK! Magazine for 2 million dollars.

I hate to get down on someone from 'profiting off of their wedding' - but this is just downright wrong. I mean, the guy at Wal Mart paid me $70 to keep those baby pictures of me in the tub, but that's irrelevant, I only did that because I was hungry...hungry for love and attention...


Paris' halfway house

It's recently been reported that Paris Hilton plans on opening a halfway house for offenders once she's released from prison to 'help others' with their transition back into society.

Right. If I know Paris like I think I do, I'm going to assume she doesn't understand what a 'halfway house' is. She'll probably just bring an inflatable castle into her back yard, put a little sticky note on on it that says 'Halfway House' with a bunch of shiny stars and get the prisoners to jump up and down in it and eat cotton candy. Ta-da!! Community reentry for offenders has a brand new hero!


Jenna Jameson improves, somewhat

Jenna Jameson was seen at the '07 Erotica convention in Los Angeles over the weekend and she's not looking half bad. Considering that recently she looked like she came straight out of a refugee camp I'm thinking the weight gain is looking good on her.

She's moving into the right direction with the weight gain...now if only she'd return my phone calls we'd be golden. And by 'phone calls' I mean my 'repeated pantie stealing/stalking/going through her garbage.' Yep, I'm what people refer to as a romantic...or as the LAPD calls it 'pervert.'


Angelina doesn't love Brad

Despite having a billion children together, Angelina Jolie reveals in an interview that she has never told Brad Pitt that she loves him.

"I don't think we've ever said (I love you)" the actress reveals in the July issue of Marie Claire. "I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would have to punch each other in the arm first."

Poor Brad, that must really be tough on him. Especially if he ever found out that when I met Angelina she took one look at me and told me she loved me. Then she carved our initials into a nearby tree and dotted her 'i's with hearts and rainbows and included the word '4eva'. We made sweet, sweet love that night...and she told me it was the best 15 seconds of her life.

Poor loveless Brad, if he only knew.

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Demi Moore forgot her bra

I was in my mystery-solving van this morning when I turned to my detective hat and said 'You know what would be grosser then seeing another Britney Spears nipple-slip?.....one involving a really old, over-the-hill b-lister...THAT would be gross' (My detective hat is not much of a talker, but he's sure great at keeping my head warm when I'm searching for clues.)

Well friends, it looks like it's happened. Demi Moore seems to fancy walking about town sans-bra, where did her bra go? Sounds like a mystery only I can solve!! To the crime van!

Have a closer look HERE.

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Britney is now a brunette....

....is what I'd say if it was her real hair. I mean, give me a break, it's not news when she changes hair color - all she does is put on a new wig. It would be news if she wore a bear suit however...I mean, think about the possible headlines; 'Britney's New Look is un-BEAR-able' 'Britney Spears BEARly legal'...

I just hope it's air conditioned in that bear suit, I'd hate for her Cheetos to get soggy in there.


You're going to have to wait a bit longer for Britney's new album

Britney Spears was supposed to release her new album in November of this year, but her publicist has confirmed that it's been postponed for a at least few months. Her rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told Life & Style that "I put her on hiatus. Brit's album is pushed until '08."

Putting Britney's album on hold is like putting my mime career on hold...don't bother, because it's not gonna happen (unlike my puppeteer career, which is REALLY taking off)! I'm assuming her album is just going to be some Mini-Pops songs that she got off of the radio using her tape recorder or phonograph. Depends on what she can afford.


First new Indiana Jones pics

Alright, I'm going to be a fan for a second here and post something that's been giving me wood all morning...the first picture from the new Indy movie! So I'm Harrison-gay...sue me.

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Britney Spears throws a fit

Train wreck Britney Spears reportedly stormed out of a photo shoot for her new perfume last week and refused to return. Page Six reports:

"There was a shoot last week in L.A. for a new perfume she's coming out with and something happened," a source says. "She got very upset and stormed out of the shoot and wouldn't come back. She is not listening to anyone and doing exactly what she wants. But sometimes she doesn't know best."

'Something happened'?? Please! In the 1980's Micheal Jackson's freakin' hair caught on fire at a shoot...I wonder what happened to Brit...did they make her put down the Cheetos for the shoot? Did they ask her to straighten her wig? Drop her shot glass?

I'm getting to the point where I think I'd rather have a cigarette put out in my eye before I even see a picture of this girl ever again. Here's hoping I can start up the Britney Spears Deathwatch shortly!

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Christina Aguilera pregnant and braless

Usually 'pregnant and braless' is not something you want to hear - but in Christina Aguilera's case it's different. I mean, she's not like your traditional pregnant ladies...sure, after breast feeding she'll be putting on her pants one boob at a time...but for the interim period I'm happy to report the melons are still grade A.

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Christina Aguilera now pregnant!

A source has confirmed that rumours regarding Christina Aguilera's pregnancy "are definitely true." Page Six reports:

"She's been telling friends," said one snitch, who revealed, "she has to be three months now, because she's announcing it."

Oh snap! Yet another Hollywood honey gets knocked up. What's with all these pregnancies? Who is doing it all? Because we all know it's not that moleman of a husband of hers that did it. He's too busy burrowing in the dirt with the other rodents to notice that she's gotten sorta hot again. MOLEMAN!!


Maria Menounos is classy

I'm not "Mrs. Manners" or an "expert in etiquette" or even "eat with a shirt on" but one thing I know for sure is that when you pose for pictures, make sure you don't flash the world your boobs. Seems Maria Menounos may have missed that lesson in charm school.

Like boobies? Check out Death by Gossip!

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Tara Reid is looking chesty

I'm only posting this recent picture of Tara Reid because (a) I haven't seen her around in months and (b) to me she looks like a beautiful princess who I want to make babies with. Of course, in my head me and my brother have our own rock band with a unicorn as a lead singer and we look like Mario and Luigi. But that's normal, right?

p.s. have you checked out death by gossip yet?


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Check it out, it's currently in beta version now, so give me your feedback and effect your own personal user experience. That's right, send your comments, measurements and hair colour and I may take your thoughts into consideration based on my elaborate evaluation process (ahem...hot chick, sweet rack...ahem). I hope you enjoy reading DEATH BY GOSSIP and thanks for your continued support!

*According to your mom


Immaculate conception II: Katie Holmes is pregnant

According to the Sun, Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom's second child. And it's reported that she's 'glowing with happiness' regarding the whole situation - however, I'm assuming the 'glowing' is a result of the super-high tech radioactive scientology inpregnator machine used to knock her up - because we all know when Xenu told Tom he needed to have more babies he was like 'ewww...I need to do what?? to her WHAT??? That's yucky!!'

Wow, this is going to be an army of gay scientologist dwarf-people with fantastic style. Read more here.

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Lindsay and Paris need free rides

A New York based limo company named Georgi has offered free chauffeuring services to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton so that they can keep their drunken asses out from behind the wheel.

I'm all for this promotion. I mean, the poor and homeless need freebies more then celebs...but if you think about it without Paris and Lindsay driving recklessly those homeless people sleeping on the streets are MUCH safer then they are now. Chauffeuring these two will give the drunk and homeless the opportunity to scream their racist and vulgar obscenities from their street corners for years and years to come without fear of being run over. Looks like my mom will be around for yet another Thanksgiving...I just hope this time she leaves the cats.....and heroine...

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Confirmed: Nicole Richie pregnant

In my mind, the Nicole Richie pregnancy rumours where confirmed Thursday night when she declined alcohol at the YSL Center Dance Arts party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Seriously, SHE TURNED DOWN BOOZE. Nicole Richie turning down alcohol is like Helen Keller winning NBA MVP or Rosie O'Donnell on the cover of Playboy. This stuff just doesn't happen unless there is a secret pregnancy....do you follow? Great.

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Jesus Cruise is now a priest

Looks like Tom Cruise has leaped the next to last hurdle in his quest to be Scientology's Jesus. He has attained the highest level one can reach in Scientology, and apparently that gives him the power to perform marriages (and other super-powers) inside the church. Page Six reports:

Tom Cruise is at the highest level of "clear" in Scientology - and now he may even perform a wedding for a friend, Australian heir James Packer, one of the church's richest benefactors. Packer, who inherited a $6.5 billion fortune when his father, Kerry, died last year, weds model-turned-singer Erica Baxter Wednesday on France's Cote d'Azur. A mystery client, believed to be Packer, has booked the entire Grand Hotel du Cap-Ferrat and the Hotel du Cap-Eden Roc, presumably for his guests.

This whole process mystifies me, how do you move up in this church? By putting on the most bitchin' Sci-Fi convention? By selling the most ticket's the the Annual Xenu Laser-light show? By the number of times you watch Battlefield Earth? By donating the most money to the church?...oops....did I just say that?

The only cool thing about having Tom Cruise perform your marriage is that instead of the wedding march when the bride walks down the aisle you can play that wicked guitar solo from Tom Gun! Nothing says 'classy wedding' more then guitar solos!

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The price is wrong, bitch!

Bob Barker has a stellar reputation and a place in the hearts of billions around the world. He is the world's foremost game show host, having earning the love a respect of his fans through 35 years in the fickle Hollywood machine, giving hope and joy to housewives, the unemployed, sick children, and small time crocks hiding out from the fuzz at a friend's house till the heat dies down. The name Bob Barker is synonymous with the words game show. The man is a living legend.

And now that's done. He's completely destroyed everything he's accomplished low these many years with one boneheaded swoop....

He's recommended Rosie O'Donnell as his replacement.

OOOH, Bobbo, bad idea! The name Rosie O'Donnell is synonymous with the words fat lesbian blowhard. She'll destroy The Price Is Right, the world's best daytime one hour game show. Will someone please tell me what I'm supposed to watch now between 11 and 12 weekdays as I lay on my blood stained couch in nothing but a pair of pink satin panties with Cheeto crumbs all over my bare chest while I smoke my menthols and drink my cough syrup?? Cause I'm not spending an hour a day with ROSIE. I can't. I won't.

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Paris is insane

TMZ has posted a picture of this sign above from the Lynwood Detention Facility. We don't know who in the jail is literate enough to put the sign up, but it seems she's quite a hit.

My dear, dear, dear friend Brendon from WWTDD had one of his readers send him the following email - seems the reader is friends with a guard at the County Psyche Ward (I'd love to tell people I worked there, the yell 'PSYCHE!!'):

What's up. Sorry so long to get back. Paris sends her regards. By all accounts she is a kook. Word is she has the mind of a 14 year old, addicted to coke, psych meds, claustrophobic, changes uniform every hour, etc...

I don't think that's so crazy, I change uniforms every hour too. Sometimes it's a Girl Scout uniform, other times it's Payton Manning's uniform. Either way, I'm totally sane, just like Paris.

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Name Britney's new album

Talk about writer's block, Britney Spears is asking fans to vote on a new album title on her website. She writes:

"You'll Never See it My Way, Because You're Not Me"

Britney is asking her most die-hard fans for some assistance in order to name her upcoming album.

Possible Album Titles:

1. OMG is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like
2. What if the Joke is on You
3. Down boy
4. Integrity
5. Dignity

Number 4 and 5 are my favorites. If you asked Britney to define either of those words she's probably implode.

My suggestion for an album title would probably be 'I'd rather die of AIDS then listen to this crap' but that's just me, I've been so jadded by the music industry ever since I was cut from Jethro Tull because of the 'Pan Flute Incident'...wow, I've never seen that much blood before...


Britney Spears: all class

I'm just happy she wore panties this time. You know what else makes me happy? Puppies, yep...I love puppies. Puppies crawling all over me as I cover myself with dog food. That's how I got the name Joey "Puppy Food" Peci....that's also how I got rabies, but let's not focus on that.

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K-Fed is a baby machine

Seemly out of boyfriend options, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are spending more and time together and could be on the verge of hooking back up. But it gets better: it's now rumored that he's knock-up his ex Shar Jackson for the third time while reconciling with Britney. Cindy Adams reports:

His on-again-off-again-and-for-sure-lately very on-again romance with Shar Jackson seems to have produced yet another baby between them. She's into her seventh week, and at the instant I write this he doesn't know. Star magazine is saying she's hoping this brings them back together as a family. Ugh. Oy. Eee-yewww. Kevin the Insect.

K-Fed must be a devout Catholic, because he really doesn't seem to believe in using birth control. I can see him now "Oh snap Shar! My condom just broke!!" only to follow up with "Psyche! I'm not even WEARING a condom!!" And she laughs and laughs and laughs...

Ah K-fed...you're pure class.

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Britney's decline continues

A cracked-out, out of shape, mom of two lets her saggy boob hang out? Thank godness it's Britney Spears this time and not my girlfriend.

For the ultra-disgusting, NFSW version click here.

A match made in white-trash heaven

Check out former Miss USA Tara Conner and porn star queen Tera Patrick at the Spike TV Guys Choice Awards. It was only a matter of time before these two got together - they're pretty much the same dirty person, it's like they both grew up in the same trailer park...or alley..or dumpster....or Quebec....

I'm giving 50/50 odds that these two are going to make a movie together. I mean if Tara Conner makes out with Miss Teen USA it's not too big of a stretch to move onto Tera Patrick. Of course, if you judged me for every time I made out with Miss Teen USA I'd be rich....uhhh...wait, no that didn't sound right....

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Lindsay Lohan, lesbian?

Lee Weaver (no relation to Lee Majors, Sara Lee or the General Lee) recently quit as Lindsay Lohan's bodyguard after two years, because he felt it was too dangerous. The News of the World says Lindsay:

Attacked a gun-wielding cocaine dealer for ripping her off, Snorted line after line with Simple Life star Nicole Richie in a TEN-HOUR binge, Slashed her wrists with knives, sobbing that she "didn't belong on this planet", enjoyed frenzied lesbian romps with scores of girls she picked up at parties - and even made a play for chart star Mariah Carey.

Yep I bolded that last part - just so I could read it over and over and over again. Move over John 3:16, I've got a new favorite verse!!...errr...new favorite line? Mantra? Excerpt? Who cares! What matters most is she was doing the ladies! THE LADIES! High-five!

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Paris won't poop

I mean, I've had performance anxiety while standing next to someone at the urinal, but this is too much! It seems Paris won't eat in jail for fear that she'll need to go boom-boom and a jail guard may snap her picture. A friend says:

'She was absolutely terrified that one of the guards or staffers would get her with the cell-phone cam and it would wind up on the Internet,' a Hilton insider said yesterday. 'She didn't eat or drink a single thing for three days because she didn't want to use the toilet. She was in real danger. She cried the entire time, and that wasn't helping the dehydration.'

Seriously, Paris pooping on film will not be a career killer for her. Remember, this is the girl who built her career over a sex tape - her using the potty in jail may just land her an Academy Award...or well at least she's got an outside chance for a People's Choice Award...let it go Paris, just let it gooooooo...

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Sienna Miller is fugly

Sienna Miller arrived this weekend to the Isle of Wight festival looking like she just finished playing a D&D live re-enactment with the audio-visual club.

She looks like a girl my semi-retarded cousin would draw pictures of and paste onto his wall...he called her 'Trollella' and she would ride a magical unicorn down the rainbow and into his bedroom..or else that could have been my drunk uncle riding the dog through the wall...I guess we'll never know, will we?

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Paris fans are ignorant losers

Check out this picture of a typical Hilton Fan. What a moron.

First of all, Captain Dillhole, it's unconstitutional for a person to be TRIED twice for the same crime, not to sentence someone twice. Read a book, get a clue. Second, time wasn't ADDED to the sentence. She was sentenced to 45 days, and now she may have to serve out her whole sentence instead of half. Do you understand how that's NOT adding, you cartoon character??

Which brings me to the Spiderman costume. How did you think THAT particular choice of outfit would help lend credibility to your legal protest? In fact, the more I think about this, the more guilty and ashamed I feel, cause I'm pretty sure I'm attacking a mental re...um, I mean, 'specially abled' person.

Don't get me wrong. I'm wearing a Spiderman outfit right now, but I'm in the privacy of my own room at the homeless shelter (don't worry about me, things will turn around soon, I just know it.) But when I'm in public, I don't try to dress up like a superhero. Sure, I wear a diaper, a bonnet, flippers, a ski mask, snorkels and a dog collar, but that's just good fashion sense. I wouldn't want to embarrass myself out there.


Paris back to prison!

Oh, snap! Paris is being sent back to prison, and will now serve her entire 45 day term. I'm so happy right now, I'm actually crying a little.

And so was Paris. Sobbing, actually. She cried all the way to the courtroom, sobbed throughout the hearing, and was actually screaming as they dragged her sorry ass back to prison.

For Pete's sake, what a spoiled brat. I was once sentenced to 10 years in a maximum security prison. I only cried once, the first time I was anally raped. The guy didn't want to snuggle afterwards, he just ran off to the other prisoners to brag. Excuse me for falling in love too quickly.

But 45 days in a segregated cell?? That's nothing to cry over. I spent 9 years and 11 months in a segregated cell, after the rest of the prison population complained that I was 'too clingy'.

Anyways, I only hope this new turn of events won't cause Hilton's fictitious medical condition to get any worse.

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Paris not going to court?

This story is beginning to have more twists and turns then an episode of Matlock...or My Two Dads.

Paris was due to appear in Los Angeles County Superior Court at 9am pacific time, but now we're hearing that Paris Hilton will not appear in person, but instead will call into the hearing from her Hollywood Hills (prison) home. Our friends at TMZ are reporting:

...a battle is raging inside the courtroom between Paris' lawyer, the City Attorney and the Sheriff's Dept. over the decision to allow Paris Hilton to appear by phone this morning.

Can we just give her the death penalty and get this thing over with? If they can execute retarded people in Texas, Paris is well suited to be strapped into the electric chair herself. But we just gotta make sure the chair is working properly, I'd hate for her to live through the execution and accidentally get electric super powers in the process. I mean, we've all seem how that turned out in Shocker! ZAAAAP!

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Paris back to jail now?

In only what can be described as 'a twist right out of a Hardy Boys novel' Paris will be back in court this morning at 9am where she may be re-booked back into jail. Why you ask? Here's the logic:

City prosecutors will argue that sheriff Lee Bacca did not have the authority to release Hilton from jail on Thursday. When Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer sentenced Paris to 45 days in jail last May, he specifically ruled that Paris was not allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail. Sheriff Bacca ignored this and set Paris up with a electronic monitoring system. The city attorneys office will argue that the sheriff violated the judges orders. If the judge agrees, Paris will be put back in jail.

This is rich. What's worse the going to jail? Going to jail, then getting a taste of freedom only to be sent right back. It's like an emotional roller coaster with hilarious and possibly suicidal results! Stay tuned.

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Victoria Beckham is a mess

I hear that unless you can make your fingers touch around your waist you're a fat ass. Look at Victoria Beckham...she's massive! She really ought to hop on a treadmill and make herself throw up or something.

What a whale!

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Paris Hilton is very very sick

...OF PRISON (hold for laughter)

Paris Hilton has been released from jail after having served a whole 72 hours of jail time. She is now under house arrest, and shall remain so for the rest of her 45 day term. Poor kid.

She was released (very) early from prison due to medical reasons. She is apparently plagued by high price lawyers, and suffers from an aversion to justice. Pundits who originally complained that Hilton was being treated harshly due to her celebrity status were unable to comment on this unexpected turn of events, as they were busy shoving their feet in their mouths.

No word yet on who authorized Hilton's release, the amount they were paid, or how they're able to live with what they've done. Just before going to jail, Paris had these (now hilarious) words to say:

'I hope that I'm an example to other young people. I did have a choice to go to a pay jail. But I declined because I feel like the media portrays me in a way that I'm not and that's why I wanted to go to county, to show that I can do it and I'm going to be treated like everyone else. I'm going to do the time, I'm going to do it the right way.'

Wow. In a related story, a candle light vigil is being held outside Hilton's mansion, were dozens of fans maintain watch, praying constantly that Paris will somehow survive the next 40 days and nights, trapped inside her spacious LA home.

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Nicole Richie is pregnant

Life and Style Magazine has reported that Nicole Richie went to the doctor for blood and urine testing which has confirmed that she's pregnant - and more importantly her reps seem to be in no hurry to deny it.

An insider has also been quoted as saying that she is determined to get healthy for the sake of her baby. Now, I'm assuming 'healthy' is a relative term for Nicole. Does 'healthy' mean out-weighing her broomstick? Not give birth to a kid that looks like it's from one of those African aid commercials with bugs buzzing around them? Start eating for one as opposed to none?

I'm just terrified to see what this child will look like, I'm just hoping it's not like me - I'd hate for that one drunken night with Nicole to equal 18 years of child support...or faking my own death to avoid it...you know, 'father of the year' stuff...

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Paris Caged! Day Two

Wow, I'm already bored. Won't someone make a shiv out of a toothbrush and end this? Thanks to their multiple sources TMZ has summarized Paris' Day Two in three words, "Paris is scared." I have three words for them "I don't care".

Here are some more lovely little tidbits from day two:

Paris has been crying on the phone, saying she's not sleeping or eating. Paris says her cell is "freezing cold." She has three little blankets and no pillow. She's using one of the blankets as a pillow. The room is bright and jail noise echoes through her space.

Some inmates have been coming up to her cell door, mostly to say hi. One inmate said, "You don't deserve to be here." Another made an origami butterfly from a magazine page and slipped it under her door. Another slipped a drawing book under her door. The guards, Paris says, have all been nice.

She's called her lawyer and family, but found it really hard to talk because there's a recording, "You have one minute left. This call is being recorded."

Origami butterflies? Is the craft lady locked up too?? What's next - sparkle and macaroni cards that say 'I'm going to kill you?'

That's it for today my friends, now let's get back to the good gossip.

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Brooke Hogan is well dressed

Now I'm not one to 'name names' or 'out people' or even 'wash up in the morning' - but let's be serious...is there really such thing as 'Brooke Hogan'? Or is this really Hulk Hogan in drag?

My thoughts: yes and YES! Did I mention YES?

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Paris Caged! Day One

Stories have already been leaking out of Century Regional Detention Facility faster then gravy at a Rosie O'Donnell picnic. Here are some of the little treasures:

-Tweezers, razors and hair-removal wax are all forbidden, so Paris will be a hairy enough to start plastering her footprints by the time she gets out...

-She's also not interacting with any of the inmates, she's only seeing them through glass. Kinda like the whales in the glass aquarium at SeaWorld...except those whale won't rape you in the showers..trust me, I've tried.

I'm telling you, Paris Caged! and the Lindsay Lohan Death Watch 2007 are giving me enough material to work off for months! Time to start callin' it in! Don't even bother reading!

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The horrors of life behind bars

As Paris begins her sentence TMZ reports that she may lose her trademark long blond locks:

The Sheriff's Department has just confirmed that Paris' hair extensions are going to be removed for her jail stay. This is a regular procedure for all of the inmates, and since Paris is being treated like the average Joe...

Wow. To Paris this may seem worse then the Holocaust, 9/11 and the cancellation of 90210 all put together! No hair extensions or hair dye? Makes you wonder why jail is not more of a deterrent...I mean, it's like we're living in the Soviet Union..or Quebec...

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Britney Spears' ass on vacation

Britney Spears was photographed vacationing in Puerto Vallarta this weekend while wearing the ever so flattering combination of a sun dress and thong.

5 years ago this MAY have been hot but look at those craters, it's disgusting!! They could have faked the moon landing on her ass! Yuck!

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Paris is in the slammer

Right now Paris is probably being strip-searched by a jail guard on her way to 23 days of paying her debt to society - why am I so giddy? People Magazine reports:

Hilton will spend approximately 23 hours a day in a 12-by-8-foot cell containing two bunks, a table, a sink, a toilet and a small window, with one hour for recreation. She will eat her meals in the cell. She could also leave her cell to meet with her attorney or to attend classes.

Wow. Welcome to my life. However, my cell is more of a 'emotionally crippling mental illness' that 'keeps me in my apartment' and 'makes me dress like a woman and sing show tunes' then a physical location..but otherwise, TOTALLY just like prison..

p.s. Did you see Paris get totally bitch-slapped by Sarah Silverman at the MTV movie awards? If not, click HERE, it's classy.

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The Deathwatch gets a little bit sexier

Here are some lovely pics of Lindsay Lohan a few weeks back, prior to her trip to rehab. I'm seeing coked out chicks, boobs, knives and...well, KNIVES...

The bets are now 50/50 that she'll die with the next 30 seconds...I mean, she's got a better chance of dying then Tom Cruise does of getting lucky in a bath house or me not sleeping on rubber sheets.

Stay tuned, the Lindsay Lohan Deathwatch 2007 continues....