POP CULTURE PUNDIT - The Latest Gossip and News About Your Favorite Celebs

Update: Paris still rich

TMZ is reporting that the story circulating yesterday regarding Paris losing her inheritance was nothing but a pack of dirty, dirty lies.

Damn. I feel like such a sucker for sleeping with Barron Hilton last night to get my hands on Paris' money. At least he was gentle - or passed out, I don't remember. But that iron lung of his sure get cold at night...

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Hayden Panettiere: jailbait no longer

Hayden Panettiere turns 18 in a mere, minuscule 22 days. Until then, you're still a massive sicko for looking at her. But in a few short weeks, you won't have to worry about it anymore.

Now your love of Hayden will be accepted. Much like the how society accepts that you still live in your parent's basement, collect action figures and have a crushes on that animated Japanese chicks.

More pics of Hayden here.

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Usher cancels wedding

Usher was all set to marry his pregnant girlfriend Tameka Foster over the weekend but the wedding was canceled at the last minute. Without explanation.

Apparently the couple decided to get married only two weeks ago and wanted it to take place before Tameka's baby bump started showing. Guests were invited, tents were set up, all the help was hired, and at the last minute the whole thing was mysteriously called off. Usher's management team released the following statement:

"It was announced today that the wedding ceremony for Usher Raymond IV and Tameka Foster was canceled. No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

Wait a second...Usher Raymond IV?? That's his name? It sounds like it should be on a movie poster...Usher Raymond IV: The Wrath of Khan? He's probably got the most pretentious name I've ever heard since J.Howard Marshall or Kirk Cameron. If he can go by Usher Raymond IV I'm legally changing my name to Jurassic Park or The Rocketteer.

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Britney's new video is....

...going to be a mess. The News of the World says that Britney went straight from her disastrous interview with OK magazine to the video shoot, which explains a lot. Apparently, when she wasn't crying she was throwing one hissy-fit after another and left the crew standing around multiple times while she went and got a one hour massage/to get high. News of the World reports:

Looking dead-eyed and disorientated, the pop babe lost it during a shambolic video shoot and ended up "sobbing hysterically".

At one point sad Britney, 25, squatted in her torn fishnets, clutched her Yorkie puppy and stared vacantly into space.
"She just didn't want to cooperate and was snotty and rude to everyone - behaving like a complete and utter spoilt brat. "When she wasn't pissing people off, Britney was smoking like a chimney. "She didn't eat or drink anything other than can after can of Red Bull. She could have drank 20 of them all told.'

And the wheels fell off completely when Britney attempted her raunchy pole dance scene.
The source added: "She had a problem with the extras being about when she did the pole dance. She was shy or embarrassed or something and she really started struggling with the whole thing." "You could see she was getting a bit wobbly but no one expected her to throw a complete fit. Suddenly she was in floods of tears and stormed off set. She eventually came back but was sobbing hysterically. All her make-up had run. By now it was nearly midnight and the director just called things to an end and sent people home. It was a total shambles."

"She is a mess. Britney's out of control and acting like a spoilt brat. It was embarrassing."

You know what else is embarrassing? That's I'm dying to see this video. It's going to be sort of like Weekend at Bernie's but with fishnets, strippers and Red Bull....and Bernie is a pregnant washed-up popstar. But otherwise it's 100% the same.

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Paris Hilton loses her inheritance

Well, looks like common sense and personal responsibility aren't as dead as I once thought. Seems Paris' grandpa, Barron Hilton, has had it with Paris' behavior and has cut her out of her $60 million inheritance. Apparently he's been appalled by her sex tapes, drunk-driving and overall sluty-ness and felt she had ruined the family name. News.com.au says:

Family patriarch Barron Hilton was already embarrassed by his granddaughter's wild behaviour- notably when her home sex video was leaked on the internet.

But the 79-year-old considered her 23-day sentence last month the last straw.

"He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris," says Jerry Oppenheimer, who wrote a biography of the clan called House Of Hilton.

"He now doesn't want to leave unearned wealth to his family."

I love it! Seems acting like a total ho-bag does have it's consequences after all. However, if instead of cutting her out of the inheritance, Barron Von Hilton should have used his money to create a massive sexy robot to seduce Paris with flowers and cupcakes and then kill her. Yes, that would be WAY more awesome.

Read more about it here.

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Dakota Fanning scares me

What the hell happened to this cute kid she looks like a freakin' Gremlin! Do her parents keep her in storage? I swear, when I saw this picture I figured she was preparing for her role as 'Casper the Friendly Ghost' - except this version would be darker, grittier and focus on Casper's heroine addiction. Rated PG-13 for creepy kids.

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Nicole Richie is going to jail

Nicole Richie will appear in court this morning and plead either guilty or no contest to driving under the influence. This was not her first DUI. In 2002, she was arrested for driving 50 miles per hour in a 15 mph zone near UCLA. She had a .13 blood alcohol level, almost twice the legal limit. Six months later, she was convicted for possession of heroin and driving on a suspended license. About today's court proceeding, TMZ reports that:

Richie will plead either guilty or no contest to DUI. She will appear before the Court Commissioner, who will sentence her on the spot. Sources say Richie will receive a minimum sentence of five days in jail. By law, anyone with two DUI convictions must serve at least five days. This conviction will be Nicole's second DUI.

I wouldn't even wast tax payer's money by putting her in a jail cell - you can pretty much store her in a Sea Monkey aquarium and feed her fish flakes. I mean, if she was really smart when cops pulled her over she could have just eluded them by turning to the side and disappearing. She so tiny, ese!

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Amy Winehouse is...well....

...wrinkly? I mean, what else can you say? This chick lost like 100 pounds in the last year and it shows (check the before and after here). I haven't seen a girl this wrinkly since I dated Aunt May in Spiderman 3, and let me tell you - she emptied my web cartridges in a hurry...if you know what I mean....I swear, when the lights are off she was like Dr. Octopus (yeah, I'm, calling this one in....)

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Claire Danes nipple slip

Claire Danes was in my city yesterday (Toronto!) at MTV Canada and accidentally flashed her nipple/boob while while being interviewed promoting her new movie Stardust. Thanks to The Superficial we have the picture.

Man, this is way, way hot! Kind of like looking at real boobies, except without the annoying boner afterwards.

Check out the NSFW picture here. Prepare to go gay.

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Jessica Alba is single

For the first time in more than two years Jessica Alba is single. And I for one don't regret teasing her with my rippling muscles and wavy hair until she ditched her boyfriend. Us Magazine says:

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone, sources tell Usmagazine.com.

Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four, called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore." Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out.

Wow, that's harsh of her - she really better watch out, you never know what your actions may reap. Kind of like the time Magic Johnson won the NBA MVP award and then had sex with it and got AIDS. Same thing man.....same thing.....

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Lohan to get 6 years in jail?

Lindsay Lohan could be facing 6 years in jail if she is found guilty of all the charges against her. These charges are: 2 DUIs, 2 counts of possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility, driving on a suspended license, drinking underage and fleeing the scene of an accident.

Wow, Lindsay's life is starting to resemble my short-lived run on Romper Room: messy, infectious and perhaps illegal. Of course it all would of worked according to plan if it wasn't for those kids snitching on me! Rascally little bastard and their crime-solving dog!

Read more about the story at TMZ.

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Britney's going insane

From the 'it's not going to be pretty' files, Britney just did a photoshoot and interview with OK! Magazine yesterday, and it was completely f'd up. It was reported that Britney was a physical and mental wreck. And OK! said today that they will publish everything...the interview and pictures. OK! says:

OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told.

According to multiple sources, Britney's behavior during the interview was "nothing less than a meltdown." She was, according to our sources, "completely out of it" during the shoot. The photos are "so bad" we've learned, that to publish them could "kill her career." Apparently, Brit Brit's eyes rolled back in her head at one point, causing her to look half dead.
Her mood was extremely erratic.

She took frequent bathroom breaks, and each time she returned her mood would change. She was also completely paranoid during the entire interview, fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her.

We've also learned that Brit had some issues with hygiene on the set as well. At one point, Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. After she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease.
Our on-set spy also says that her dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used a Chanel dress to clean it up!

As for how Brit looked for the photos, another nightmare. We've learned that OK! hired two of the best hair and makeup artists in L.A. to transform the once-bald beauty into something more presentable, but she wasn't havin' none of that. She refused to let the hired help touch her, opting instead for her "skanky friends" to do her hair and makeup.

Seriously, they could shave a goat and get a better photo shoot and interview then Britney. By this time next week she'll probably running around Hollywood on fire yelling 'Jesus is coming! Buy my new album! My kids are in the oven!! COAT HANGER!!! MAPLE SYRUP!!!'

Because that's not crazy at all.

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Lindsah Lohan arrested and charged

Lindsay 'crime-spree' Lohan was arrested at 2:15am this morning in Santa Monica for possession of cocaine, driving under the influence, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility and driving on a suspended license. TMZ says Lohan's blood alcohol level was between .12 and .13. .08 is considered legally drunk in the state of California. Or course, Lindsay rehab just 8 days ago so she's on the straight and narrow, right? ABC in LA has reported:

The Santa Monica Police Department tells Eyewitness News, Lohan was taken into custody near the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium along Pico and Main early Tuesday morning. She's currently still at the Santa Monica Police Station. Bail has been set for $25,000

Update: Lindsay Lohan was released from the Santa Monica jail minutes ago after her arrest this morning. Breitbart New reports that authorities found cocaine in her pockets as she was being processed after her DUI arrest. Whereas most others would know to swallow or toss their drugs before going to the police station...seems Lindsay missed that lesson.

She was initially pulled over because she was chasing another car in her white Denali. It is not known who she was chasing or why. Sheriffs deputies conducted a field sobriety test and Lindsay failed. She was then brought to the station and booked. If they need somewhere to keep her - I got an empty basement they can use...that is, if she doesn't mind the comic books and Planet of the Apes action figures.

Man, keeping up with Lindsay is like watching an episode of the Untouchables. Except less sexy. Stay tuned for updates.

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Heather Locklear is not the same

Here's some pictures of Heather Locklear at the beach recently in a Borat-inspired one piece white swimsuit. I wonder if she made this thing herself with her Bedazzler or did she actually buy it this way? I'll be honest, this totally changes the way I look at Heather Locklear - mainly now with less boners.

Check out more pictures of Heather at the beach here (this time in a bikini).

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Victoria Beckham bombs

A poll in the Mirror UK says that most people thought the Victoria Beckham special, "Coming to America" was a bad idea and didn't make her look good at all. TMZ reported that:

Thirty percent reported that it made her look awful, while an additional 49 percent of respondents didn't bother to watch it at all. Only 21 percent of cheeky Brits thought Princess Posh came off looking good on the poorly watched show.

I don't know, I actually liked the special. I'll admit, I was drinking and possibly popping a few roofies - but it was entertaining. My favorite part was when she jumped 35 buses and through that flaming hoop on her motorcycle, that was AWESOME! Oh wait, we are talking about the same show, right?


Madonna's arms scare me

Yikes! Madonna is built like a freakin' man! The last time I saw arms like this I was touring in the professional arm-wrestling circuit under the pseudonym 'Chesty McSwallows' tearing up the competition in an effort to win back my dying father's title of World Champ.

I'm just looking for the syringe marks where she injects the steroids.

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Lindsay Lohan loves children

I'm sorry, but I think I'd rather put my child in a cage full of hungry wolverines before I'd even consider letting them pose for a picture with Lindsay Lohan. I mean, where are these kid's parents? Aren't they aware that just by being within 40 feet of her makes you 60% more slutty and 78% more likely to die of Ebola. It's true, I'm a doctor, I should know.

Click here for more of Lindsay posing with kids and other bikini shots.

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Naomi Watts is massive

GOD! I've never seen anyone this pregnant. Honest, nor man nor woman nor manimal. She's huge...was she raped by Bigfoot or something? Because there is no way a human gets that big, I don't care what they are giving birth to.

Man, it's going to be like Harry and the Henderson's II the day she gives birth. Pure hilarity.

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Janice Dickinson is doable

Whoa, I really mean it...WHOA! She looks like a Grade A fox for her age. I'm just not sure what her age is...perhaps the age of reason or the age of enlightenment? Either way, she lived in a time where men wore powdered wigs and dueled over such travesties as masturbating to images of Joan of Arc. True story. I learned about it at the renaissance fair.

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Tara Reid is falling apart

Tara showed us her stomach in some bikini shots earlier this week that frankly looked like it was run over by a plastic surgeon's lawnmower (check it here). Well it seems it was all a ploy to distract us from the most frightening part of her body....her boobs.

I swear, it looks like her plastic surgeon took his lunch after the first boob and then handed the scalpel over to the janitor's helper monkey to finish off. I looks like he left a 25 pound dumbbell in there, her boob is sagging to the freaking ground! Check out more recent picks of Tara HERE.

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Nick Nolte is the new Lindsay Lohan

With our favorite drunk, Lindsay Lohan, drying out (at least for now) Nick Nolte has taken it upon himself to step in and fill the void she's left. TMZ has some drunk-tacular photos of Nick Nolte at Kauai Airport Monday night passed out on the terminal floor. According to fellow passengers, Nick was passing in and out of consciousness for more than two hours after their flight was delayed due to engine problems

According to the source, Nolte was still extremely friendly despite his groggy state - chatting with fans and allowing passengers to snap photos, however, he wasn't entirely functional. "At one point we helped him put a dollar in the vending machine."

Pure class. My initial assumption is that by 'engine problems' they mean Nick Nolte drank all the fuel out of the plane's tank. Because there is no way you get THAT f'ed up in an airport by drinking Coors Light and Bud. Unless of course you're drinking it when you're 8 years old, because let me tell you - that was the awesomest game of pin the tail on the donkey I've ever played!

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Lindsay Lohan doesn't believe in bras

Here’s Lindsay Lohan leaving the West Hollywood club Winston’s on Monday night sans-bra. This is just unfair, when I don't wear pants when I'm out it's not a big story, why the hell does she get all the attention when she doesn't wear a bra? Just because she's young, hot and chesty and I'm covered in fur, eat bugs and have anthropologists putting plaster in my footprints doesn't mean I'm not sexy too!! Damn fashion magazines!

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Britney is messed up

I'm assuming this picture of Britney is her at the 7/11 once the clerk informed her that they are all out of Cheetos and powdered gravy mix. Either that or she just became aware of the fact that she accidentally ate her children in the ensuing panic. Could be both. Could be neither. I'm just saying.

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Val Kilmer is packing on the pounds

Whoa. How far has Val "Iceman" Kilmer fallen since his topless volleyball game in Top Gun? I mean, he's the reason topless volleyball is the great American pass time! He's the reason they play guitar solos at the climax of movies! He's the reason I legally changed my name to Batman! What the hell?

Now he's starting to look like that neighbor of mine that always would ask me to get into the hot tub with him...oh wait that wasn't me, that was Arnold on Different Strokes....OR WAS IT? (Think about it...)

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Tara Reid's tummy is.....

Sweet Jesus!!! I think I'd rather look down the barrel of a loaded shot gun then come face-to-face with Tara Reid's stomach. Did I miss the news release that she gave birth to sextuplets? Because otherwise there is no reason anyone that age should have that stomach...unless of course your plastic surgeon is Micheal J. Fox...or a humming bird.

Somebody get that girl a shirt!

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Kirsten Dunst is fugly

I've never dated a corpse before, but if I ever did I'm sure she'd look just like this! Yep, it's Kirsten Dunst leaving the Groucho Club in London looking like Zombie Sharon Stone (here's a reminder of what she looks like).

If I bumped into Kirsten looking like this in an alley I wouldn't know whether to kiss her or drive a stake through her heart. Maybe both at once! Yep, that would TOTALLY be hot!

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Pop Culture Pundit is back, Mel Gibson is drunk!

Due to a heavy increase in traffic yesterday my site was up and down for about 24 hours yesterday and this morning. Seems about 70,000 of you were given a 'service unavailable' message where about 10% of you actually got through (Yippee!!).

My sincerest apologizes. I think my server was either on fire or eaten by Jennifer Love Hewitt or both, who knows - but one thing is for sure, the problem is solved and the site is now officially 43% funnier and 67% zanier.

We can now go back to hurling insults at celebrities and the privileged rich. Let's start with a recent picture of Mel Gibson taken in a bar on the island of Nicoya, Costa Rica. He's looking pretty drunk for a recovering alcoholic, but what do I know - I'm wasted right now. WOOOOOOO!!!

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Update: Lindsay's IM chat with Celebslam

Seems the dude from Celebslam (again, me = more awesome) got his paws on Lohan's gmail adress and had the following chat regarding her nude photos (please see above).

Um, this just got creepy. I mean, I post stuff....but I'm not contacting celebs to rub it in, that's just creepy. My therapist, parole officer and that girl I stalk all agree.

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Coming soon: naked Lindsay Lohan

Gossip site, CelebSlam.com (which is WAY, WAY less awesome then this site) is claiming that they have naked pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Callum Best (her ex-boyfriend). Celebslam has claimed to have spoke to Lindsay regarding the pics - however, when asked about the matter she replied:

"All I know is that someone broke into my computer and left a file on my desktop saying he got the pictures Cal took from me naked."

I really don't know what the big deal is...I get those kind of messages on my computer all the time. They usually say "Hi I'm from PETA and I know what you did to that rhinoceros at the zoo. We are horrified that you took part in human-animal love-making and would like you to stop. We have stolen the pictures of the manimal-sexual matter off of your computer and deleted all your high scores on Mine Sweeper.'


check out the full IM chat between Lindsay Lohan and Celebslam regarding her stolen pics here. Creepy.

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Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell are married

This is sad, who the hell is Jerry O'Connell? Wasn't he the fat kid from Stand by Me? This is all wrong, it's like the prom queen hooking up with Stephen Hawkings...I mean, Rebecca could have done better by marrying a burrito in a suit or possibly a corpse. So unfair.

More wedding pictures here

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Ashley Tisdale's nipple slip

New it-girl and star of High School Musical, Ashley Tisdale, has some lovely nipple-slip pictures that just came out this weekend at some event (possible something to do with pink ponies and stuffed animals).

Check out the uncensored, not safe for work pictures HERE and HERE. Just don't look at them if you're on your mom's computer, at school, a repeat offender or gay. And yes, I lifted these pictures from Egotastic, sue me.

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Lindsay Lohan parties dry

Lindsay Lohan partied at Pure night club last night chugging down cans of Red Bull (apparently booze-free) and smoking like industrial revolution London (I'm really really running out of comparisons here people).

I swear if you cut her open she'd pretty much be just ash, slim jims and Red Bull, she's hours away from turning back to the bottle, going lesbian and sniffing coke like old times. Check out more pics of Lindsay at Pure here.

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Brooke Hogan gets a new dance partner

Looks like Brooke Hogan is not satisfied with simply looking like her dad in drag and she's taking her stripper inspired stage show to the next level by....DANCING WITH A TOWEL!

Yep, this is what happens when you're Brooke. The gay guys won't dance with her because she looks too girlie and the straight dude are just freaked out that she has a penis. So what's left? Her sweaty towel. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I mean, I dated my pillow from 1996-1998 and had a great time....ahhh Mr.Fluffy we were so in love....I'll never forgive myself for forgetting about you in the spin cycle. Rest in peace, Fluffy, rest in peace..

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Kim Kardashian's ass is frightening

Speaking of big girls, here's Kim Kardashian at the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Show in Miami. Her ass seems to grow by the minute, I mean it's seriously disgusting. It's expanding faster then Oprah Winfrey at an all you can eat buffet. Seriously, I saw her at one once - the moment the food was done she proceeded to eat all the children. True story. Children are one of her 'favorite things.'

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Jennifer Love Hewitt is huge

What the hell has happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt? Have they been shooting her from the waist up for the past few years? Is she auditioning for 'Too Many Donuts: The Janet Jackson Story'? Because what's I'm seeing is a girl I bump into at the model-train convention, not on a Hollywood set - well, not unless she's playing the part of 'The Whale' in Moby Dick. Zing!

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Lindsay Lohan is pretty much a lesbian

A friend of Lohan has given Star Magazine access to her private MySpace area which features Lohan (drunkenly?) professing her love for her gay and hideous dj friend, Samantha Ronson. Gatecrasher reports:

Details of the affectionate correspondence appear under the headline, "Lindsay's Lesbian Love Letters!"

Lohan allegedly tells Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die...I want to marry you and have children with you."

"Go to bed babe," she wrote to her pal late one night.

"I love you - [signed] Lindsay Ronson."

This is no big deal, I remember writing lesbian love notes when I was a kid to Santa Claus...of course that only lasted until I found out was the word "lesbian" really meant. I guess that explains why I kept getting tacos and tuna under the tree instead of my G. I. Joe's. That's just gay.

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Lisa Rinna does a workou....OH SNAP!

What the hell is on her stomach? It looks like a skin-coloured black hole and it seems to be sucking in the rest of her! She's going to shortly implode and take the photographer and possibly a few planets with her! Somebody, for the love of God, get that woman some HELP!! (or a good tummy-tuck surgeon)

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Brooke Hogan is delusional

Poor Brooke Hogan. She's working so hard trying to convince us that she's not a man, and now she's taken it to the next level by getting a boob job. Yep, a boob job.

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke....half the dudes in San Fransisco have boob jobs, you mine as well just throw on a weave and star in a Cher tribute show because your look is screaming 'I've got a penis' loud and clear.

Check you more pictures of Brooke's boob job on display.

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Hayden Panettiere in a bikini

The next Lindsay Lohan...Hayden Panettiere (the cheerleader from Heroes), is seen here frocking on the beach in a bikini over the weekend. Lovely, isn't she?

I'll be honest guys, you have a better change of smuggling 10 Mexican immigrants on cocaine-filled Elephants through customs during Terror Alert Level: Wicked-Danger! then scoring with this girl. She's only 17. Scrub your brain with bleach! Scrub IT!!

Check out some more pics of Hayden Panettiere in her bikini here.

Update: way more Hayden bikini shots here.

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Heidi Montag is famous

Move over Ashley Tisdale, it's new bikini celeb-wannabe Heidi Montag! Apparently she was on a reality show of some sorts, I'm assuming it wasn't American Chopper, Iron Chef or A Baby Story.

Regardless, she's looking quite patriotic in her swimsuit, which honestly puts the American troops to shame. Because my friends, it's not the soldiers who are the heroes, no, it's the blonds with fake boobs in stars and stripes bikinis who are keep us safe from the terrorists. Yes, THEY are the true heroes. USA! USA!!

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Catherine Zeta-Jones spends wisely

Want to know the kind of woman that would marry Michael Douglas? Well, the Daily Mail is reporting that Catherine Zeta-Jones regularly ships in $400 caviar and then washes her hair with it.

The Beluga caviar is apparently flown in from Iran five days ahead of her treatments at a beauty salon in South Kensington. "Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair," said a source. "She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy." Miss Zeta-Jones's hair is washed with a truffle-based shampoo, then smeared with the caviar, which is combed through and left to set.

I don't find that odd at all. Of course, but that's just me, I wear gold top hats, diamond monocles and Crocodile skin tuxedos. Pip, pip old sport, pip, pip!!

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Mandy Moore in Mexico

I'm not sure what they're feeding her over in Mexico, but I'm thinking that Mandy looks a tad chubby, too many burritos perhaps? It looks like she's stuck in that chair!

Who am I to criticize? Well, when I wasn't volunteering at the orphanage for triple amputees, I was Mr.Olympia and Mr.Wet Buns from 2001-2003 while also working as Brad Pitt's body double. True story.

Check out more pictures of Mandy rockin' her bikini here.

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WTF is Cloverfield?

If you've seen Transformers you probably saw a 'Blair Witch' style trailer where explosive mayhem strikes during some type of robot attack in New York. This movie is taking online communities by storm and is a yet untitled J.J. Abrams project tentatively codenamed 'Cloverfield.'

Huh, that's odd, because my penis is codenamed 'Danny Glover' and at one point it thwarted a robot attack too. Or what that Independence Day? Can't remember. Regardless J.J Abrams always get' production credit' when Danny Glover gets 'a role.' You lost? Me too.

Paramount has pretty much sued the pants off of anyone who's posted the bootleg, but if you want to see it...check out the top secret Cloverfield trailer here.

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Nicole Richie has dad's support

When I think of 'supportive dads' I usually think more of JonBenet Ramsey's father then Lionel Richie. But Lionel has stepped up as a father and intervened to help his daughter...oh wait, no....he's decided to blame the media for his daughters problems and decided not to take responsibility of being a bad parent. He told FOXNews.com:

"she keeps apologizing to me. I told her 'You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing to your father at this age." and that "There's just so much information out there right now - MySpace, cell phones, the Internet. If we had had all that when The Commodores were around, God only knows what my mother and father would have seen."

Uh "Commodores"? - exactly who where the Commodores (isn't that what I used tp play Qbert on)? And what would of Lionel's parent's seen? Jerrycurls? Rhinestones on his pants? A blind chick making a clay sculpture of his face? Come on! Don't blame technology and the media for her drug addiction. Blame the lack of After School Specials being played on air during her childhood. Or McGruff the Crime Dog getting soft on dealers. Not technology.

Read more from our friends at TMZ here

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Britney Spears finds Jesus

Now I'm assuming it's the real Jesus we're talking about and not Tom Cruise or some guy with a beard Britney met at Popeye's Chicken.

Regardless, it's been reported that Britney caused quite a commotion at Bel Air Presbyterian Church on Sunday. Seems she's doing what most drug abusers do when they have no where else to go...turn to religion. Which is why I started my own religion, to take advantage of desperate girls...errr...I mean, help lost souls who can't find their way....

I have to admit, the reason my religion is so successful is my secret ingredient. Love. Love and sex with drunk, drugged-up chicks. Amen.

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Paris back to partying

I'd admit, I was drinking during that Larry King interview, but didn't Paris say she would be giving up much of her pre-jail club and party lifestyle? Or was I mistaken? Of course last time I drank I woke up in a pool of urine on the set of the Electric Company back in 1976. How did get so drunk? Who's urine was it? And how did I travel through time to end up there? Only the Blue Beetle* knows, my friends....only the Blue Beetle knows...

Regardless, Paris, Nicki and friends were spotted at hot Hollywood club Les Deux last night partying like it was old times. I've giving her 2 months until her next traffic incident. And by 'traffic incident' I mean 'be arrested for giving her car seat herpes.'

*featured on the Electric Company, the Blue Beetle was a bumbling super hero (Jim Boyd) who would often make matters worse instead of better for people who he tried to help. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

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Amy Winehouse to rehab?

Man, I wish that every time I f'ed up really bad all I could do is yell 'rehab' and all of a sudden it's like I'm out of jail free! I killed a hooker? REHAB! I pooped on my boss' desk? REHAB! I killed a pooping hooker on my boss' desk? ..err....actually that would be really messed up, there's no rehab in the world for that...

Well seem Brit singer Amy Winehouse is going down the same road as well after canceling shows, showing up drunk when she does follow through and carving her boyfriend's name into her stomach with glass during an interview. Huh, that's not so bad, it pretty much sums up my regular weekends....except unlike Amy, I carved the name 'Mayor McCheese' into my stomach...don't know why, all I remember is that I was high as a kite, damn hungry and wearing monocle and badge!

Read more about Amy Winehouse's intervention and possible rehab here.

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Katharine McPhee wants lots of babies

In the upcoming Stuff Magazine Katharine McPhee details her plans for having multiple babies. She says:

'I want to have, like, 15 babies. I've always wanted to be pregnant.'

Seriously, 15 babies? Someone has got to sit this girl down and explain to her that it's a vagina...not a clown car. Does she think these 15 babies just tumble out in full makeup saying 'Ta-Da!!' and then squirt her with a plastic flower? Because, if that's how it works sign me up!

Read more about the Stuff article here.

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Jennifer Garner is pale

Jennifer Garner is looking pretty hot considering she recently gave birth to a baby girl, but I'm confused...is she preparing for her role in Powder II?

I mean, she's whiter then a KKK meeting, paler then that kid on my street that lived in a basement apartment and has less pigment then that super race of mole-men who live under the city and constantly steal my donation checks on my way to the orphanage.

Yep, she's that white.

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Lindsay makes out with her little sister

Wow. I've heard these Hollywood circles are pretty incestuous, but this is taking it a bit too far. Here is a pic of Lindsay Lohan celebrating the 4th of July and planting a wet one on her 13 year old sister.

How do I feel about this? Kinda like I want to drink a glass of poisonous bees and then swallow a sword - but that's just me..I have 'morals' and 'a low tolerance for incest.'

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