I don't recall a storyline on Full House revolving around a pervy Bob Saget and two walking corpses...was this for a Halloween episode? Or better yet, perhaps this pic is simply a promo for an After School Special regarding the double-danger of bulimia and hooking up with older men you met on the internet.
Yech. Either way, I'm having nightmares tonight. Unless of course, my John Stamos poster is back from the cleaner, then it's SEXY nightmares.....
I have no idea why she's famous, but I'm a big big fan of hot blonds so here are some of Rolling Stone's pics of Kristin Cavallari.
On the other hand, I'm also a huge fan of Charles Dickens and Snackables but you don't see me posting pictures of delicious cheese, crackers and meat or Tiny Tim. Double standard? Perhaps.
Miss USA has been getting a lot off her massive chest lately and has recently admitted the following on the Today Show:
'I have done cocaine, yeah. I've tried several different things. But, you know, it's always the same effect. The more that I get it off my chest, the better I feel about myself. It's not healthy for my recovery to sit here and hold things back.'
It's nice to see somebody admit their mistakes so openly. I'm so inspired I'd like to admit that it was a mistake for me to bang 6 supermodels at once. I was treating them purely as sex objects which is just wrong and I'm not proud of it. And I promise not to order any more models off that site for sex...you know....the one from Thailand...it's really convenient and they were so hot and loved sports and beer and.....oh god no......I've just made a terrible, terrible mistake....
Here's a lovely picture of Denise Richards and Richie Sambora which was recently taken in Maui after Denise had just finished wrapping her movie 'Blonde and Blonder' with Pamela Anderson. Denise has an almost perfect body, so what the hell is she doing with this hideous man? I just don't understand it....does he have a golden penis with diamonds and rubies in his testicles? Because I do, and I named it Excalibur! Kneel before the might of EXCALIBUR!
Huh, I just think I gave away the whole story in the title there....so if you still care, he's the update:
A day after the California Highway Patrol recommended Brandy be charged with misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter, the parents of the woman killed in the car accident announced they're suing her for $50 million, with the wrongful-death suit claiming Brandy drove recklessly when she caused the accident.
I would say 'Sucks to be Brandy right now' but it seems our homegirl has $50 million in the bank to be sued for! If I had that kind of money, I'd treat the world like my own personal video game... run over every one in sight and just settle those badboys out of court. Unless it was Night Court, because that case would end in pure hilarity!
Us Weekly are reporting that American Idol producers have contacted Courtney Love about possibly replacing pill-popping Paula Abdul on the show.
There is no way they think Courtney is going to be an improvement, she's just as f'ed up - if not more so. I'm beginning to think that American Idol is slowly becoming some kind of celebrity drinking competition! And what's a celebrity drinking competition without Nick Nolte?
I have nothing to say about Paris and Nicole, but I had to post this picture because it really made me laugh.
I mean, who the hell is that pervy looking guy in the corner smiling at them? He looks like the creepy single guy who'd go to all the high school games and line up and spank all the players as they ran back to the locker rooms. And by 'spank' I mean 'grope' and my 'creepy single guy' I mean 'my dad'.
Didn't Brooke Burke just have a baby? Did she make some kind of pack with the devil to look this good like TWO DAYS after giving birth?
It's impossible to look so good right after having a baby, which begs the question; is she some type of witch that lures little children to her home with candy apples and eats them to stay looking so young and fit? The short answer? Yes. Because I'm a Nobel Prize winning dietitian and that is the only reasonable explanation that has already been proven. Proven by science....science and FIRE!!!
This is by far one of the most unfortunate pictures of Heidi Klum I've ever seen. It's so bad that I'm honestly thinking of calling her up and cancelling the 'date' we have tonight.
Sorry Heidi, but you're going to have to find someone else to make that hardcore sex tape with. After seeing this pic, you just don't do it for me anymore. Looks like you're going to have to find another extremely sexy boytoy....
More of Heidi looking like some one's grandma
here.
Didn't this man just have twins? Shouldn't he be at home with his baby momma and kids?
Seems no. Early yesterday morning, Diddy was caught taking Sienna Miller home after a night of partying. Diddy saw the cameras across the street and sent his bodyguard over to get the film - seems like reasonable actions for a man caught in the act.
What the hell is wrong with these people? At least when I get a girl pregnant I stick around for a good few weeks before kill a hobo to act as a decoy while I fake my own death. Extreme? Perhaps, but it seems a few weeks more then Diddy gives. Check the video of Diddy getting busted at
TMZ
You think she'd learn from her dad's botched hair procedure. Where does this family go for plastic surgery? I've seen dudes in Thailand with better boob-jobs, heck MY boobs would look better in a dress - and I have seven nipples!
Here's her ta-ta's at another angle.
Sweet Jesus! It looks like someone just ate the entire cast of America's Next Top model and half the crew! What the hell do they serve in that buffet on set? Jars of Crisco?
I think it's just horrible when hot girls let themselves go like this. And there is no way I'm going to let 'her feel sexy about her new body' - I simply refuse to lie like that. There is nothing sexy about Shamu the Whale and there is nothing sexy about Tara anymore.
Now where's my cape and mumu, I need to got to the corner store for some corn dogs....
It's not as funny as I had hoped and seems more about promoting his "music" (interpret 'music' as loosely as possible) then poking fun, but K-Fed's Nationwide SuperBowl commercial spot is
here!
I'm assuming K-Fed negotiated this deal himself, hoping that getting paid in Cheetos, gasoline and food stamps would enable him greater financial security once the gold standard is eliminated. Genius, absolute genius!
Courtesy of ParisExposed, here's the Hiltons and Nicole Richie posing with Micheal Jackson. I couldn't understand it myself either until I took a second look and realized that if you're drunk enough Nicole Richie could pass as a 12 year old boy. And then it allllll made sense...
Didn't have time to plant yourself in front of the TV for the hours upon hours required to take in all of the SAG awards? Fear not, click
here for a massive post of pics from the entire evening. The clothes, the hair, the cocaine and cigarettes...
it's all here. Enjoy.
It's a step above the 'most improved' player award in wheelchair basketball league and it's done for yet another year - the collective insider hand-job known at the 'Screen Actor's Guild Awards' have concluded, for a list of all winners
click here.
Isn't it great when rich celebs fawn over eachother like this? Check out live coverage of the
SAG Awards here. More pictures to come.
Based on this picture taken over the weekend things are looking a tad different, is it the way she's pouting or did she get yet another procedure on her lips? I'll tell you one thing, something just felt off when her and I were making out this weekend if that's any indication. And by 'her and I making out' of course I mean licking my computer monitor while browsing jessicasimpson.com. Oh God, I'm so lonely.
As if we didn't need another reason to hate her. City Rag is reporting that Britney Spears is not only a cheap tipper, but a total biatch:
Britney Spears was picking up her car at an L.A restaurant and dumped a pile of change on the pavement while reaching for her ticket. When the valet pulled up with her car, she pointed at the change and said "there's your tip" adding "I'm sure there's a lot of money over there but I don't have time to pick it up" and making the poor dude scrape $5 in coin off the ground."
I used to pull that move myself, drop some change on the ground and surprise the homeless guy with an impromptu tea-baging while wearing my kilt, but that's just me. Britney in her drug-fueled state is so disconnected with reality she probably dropped the change assuming a wolf would pounce out of her vagina and maul the valet to save her the $5. Hey, five bucks is five bucks, when in doubt one must ask: what would Teen Wolf do?
Oh sweet Jesus! Have you seen her lately? Brooke Hogan is looking more and more like her dad every day, she's literally a moustache and bandanna away. Just as long as she doesn't tear off her 'Hulkamania' yellow tank top I'm fine.
Barf. Tuck your penises gents, more pics of 'her'
here.
Didn't we see this coming when Jennifer Lopez became the latest member of Jesus Cruise's inner circle? I highly doubt you can be a friend with Cruise unless you're a Scientologist (or a hot, well-hung man...ahem...me...ahem...).
In a recent interview with the Miami NBC affiliate J-Lo admits her daddy is a Scientologist, she says:
"I, myself, am Catholic. But...My dad has been a Scientologist for 20 years. It's weird people want to paint it (the "church") in a negative way."
Lopez is totally on her way to converting - and she's not the only one. You heard it first here, I'll challenge Xenu to an inter-galactic arm wrestling match on our flying alien dragons if her, Posh and Beckham don't convert within 6 months. ALIEN DRAGONS!
Am I crazy? Do I want an army of Scientologists at my door? Does the refrigerator box I live in even have a door? Do I pay top dollar to have hookers tickle my bum with gerbils? So many questions, so few answers. But since the story broke
last week that Tom is seen as 'Jesus' in the Scientology community I've been thinking that this guy is
really finally starting to bug the hell out of me. Jesus Cruise is an out of control egomaniac who digs other dudes, needs to chill, and accept who he really is. Why? Two reasons:
1. This site is not purely satire, but also a window in Jesus Cruise's soul. Well not 'his soul' per se, but I DID see the special features on the Risky Business DVD I rented from Blockbuster and if that isn't the same as peering into the mind of a closeted gay actor, I don't know what is.
2. Secondly; a certain B-list Canadian actress. After drinks in Montreal with her and an A-list bf (at the time) she told a few stories regarding how Tom's homosexuality is the worst kept secret in certain Hollywood circles. Offering more proof, she mentioned that she was at a industry party and saw Cruise making out with a man in the corner of the room - and no one even flinched, it's just accepted with Tom.
Wait, haven't we all made out with men at parties? What? No?? ...err....um... right, neither have I. Come out of the closet Jesus Cruise! We're all waiting.
It's been reported that Lindsay Lohan keeps her appendix in her freezer because she was so worried it would end up being sold on eBay she asked the hospital staff if she could take it home. It's also rumoured that Lindsay's friend Kimberly Stewart may be investigating the possibility of auctioning the organ to support charity (I'm holding out the the Lindsay Lohan urine sale).
Initially some may find this whole story creepy, but I'm hoping that this practice becomes socially acceptable. Otherwise I have no idea what to do about all those organs in my fridge...and the bodies attached to them....
Seems Sharon Stone wants attention so badly that she will go to the restaurant (The Ivy) where the paparazzi are 24.7 without her bra on. Very coy, Sharon, you are quite the sly dog using your below-the-radar tactics to bring attention to your flagging career. She mine as well show up in a flaming car full of clowns and monkeys while setting fireworks off her nipples screaming 'Look at me!! I'm not dead yet! Basic Instinct II is now available at your local Blockbuster!! WOOOOOO!!!!'
I'm not sure if I get this - he's George Freaking Clooney, sexiest man alive...can't he do better then then this? Pam is pretty much a washed up pornstar....a blow up doll with implants at best. How long is this going to last? My guess; Pam Anderson has stretch marks longer then this relationship will last.
Tom Cruise (
now known as 'Jesus' by fellow Scientology leaders) seems to have finally allowed his virgin-wife to leave the compound and find work. It's been reported that Katie Holmes has signed on to star in
Mad Money opposite Queen Latifah and Diane Keaton. The film is based on the British movie
Hot Money about three female employees of the Federal Reserve that plot to steal a load of cash that's about to be destroyed.
Mad Money, eh? Sounds like a blockbuster, I guess they must have already casted for that other sure hit of the year, Garfield 3.
I don't know what shocks me more, the fact that Tom is letting Katie out of the house, or that he's letting her work with Queen Latifah. Fact is, you'd think that in their marriage there would only be room for one Queen. High-five!
Yikes! Look at Sienna Miller (at the premiere of Factory Girl at the Santa Barbara Film Fest). She looks damn trampy with all that eye make up caked on...sort of looks like one of the many Russian mail-order brides I've purchased, only to have them returned when my cheques bounced (so I can't convert dollars to rubles? What's the big deal?). She's the fug hooker look-a-like of the week!
Isn't looking up girl's skirts supposed to be sexy? Sure, but not when she's wearing granny panties. Looking at these makes me feel like someone just hit me in the crotch with a flaming sledge hammer! Who caused me this pain? No one but our favorite cult member, Katie Holmes, accidentally flashing her bodyshaping underwear while getting out of her limo at Giorgio Armani's Paris couture show last night.
Why do these pictures make me think of my old, saggy, drunk neighbor? The only thing that would make this more unattractive is if those 'bodyshaping underwear' where not holding in fat, but a huge BLACK BEARD! YARRRRR!!!
So Paris has a storage facility with all her stuff in it, forgets to pay the bill and all of a sudden the contents become the property of a broker who is now hawking it online at ParisExposed.com. Our friends have had a look at what's included and here of some of the lowlites:
-Paris recounts in her diary about giving some dude the herp (why do I have this feeling the diary is covered is sparkles, macaroni and written in crayon?)
-Does a crap-load of coke off a guy's chest (who hasn't?)
-Has billions of hours of taped footage of her being naked, slutty, making out with friends and being drunk
Want to see more? Check out the downloaded video clips
one,
two and
three. Email me if you'd like to see the rest. But let me warn you - it's worse then watching Weekend at Bernie's II, making out with Tony Danza and doing your taxes combined!
Has she ever heard of 'killing them
softly?' Today it has been revelaed that Brandy was involved in a fatal car accident at 10:30 AM on December 30, 2006 on the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles. TMZ reports:
Brandy was driving her 2007 Land Rover at 65 mph and did not notice that cars in front of her had slowed considerably ... Brandy's vehicle struck a 2005 Toyota. The Toyota then hit a 1989 Toyota. The 2005 Toyota then slid sideways and hit the center divider. As the 2005 Toyota came to a halt, it was struck by a 1988 Acura ... the driver of the 2005 Toyota, Awatef Aboudihaj, was taken to Holy Cross Hospital in critical condition and she died the next day. Brandy was not injured. The driver of the Acura suffered moderate injuries. Brandy was not arrested and there is no evidence drugs or alcohol were involvedHaha! Awatef Aboudihaj....that's a funny name. Sounds like it was made up, which makes his death hilarious! I'm sure the judge will agree and charge the family of Awatef for being so wacky, like Urkle or Balki....Case Closed!
Oh the humanity! When I look at these pictures I can't help but feel tremendous sadness, sorta like a crime has been committed that no one intervened to prevent. What crime you ask? It seems that Jessica Simpson has stolen the boobs from a 65 year old dead woman, it's disgusting.
Isn't it the role of celebrities to have unattainable bodies with fake boobs, tight stomachs and orange painted on tans? If I wanted to see boobs like this I would go back to my peep-hole that I drilled into the women's locker room at the YMCA or look at bags of cottage cheese at the grocery store. Yech!
More pics of Jessica's 'moobs'
here,
here and
here.
It's pretty bad when K-Fed is telling you that you might have a problem. Britney Spears' recent all night partying and alleged drug and booze abuse has prompted K-Fed to drop his bucket of fried chicken and take action. MSNBC is reporting that K-Fed has apparently teamed up with Britney's mother, Lynn Spears, to try every which way to get Brit some help. A source said:
"Kevin has tried to convince Britney to check herself into rehab from every possible angle. First he tried threatening to take away the kids, then he tried pleading with her to take care of herself."This must be humiliating for Britney, it's like the guy with the car up on cinder blocks in his front yard telling you how to best protect the leather in your Ferrari. Of course, in my case I can't really relate...I'm too busy bench pressing 300 pounds and entering arm wrestling contests to take proper care of
my Ferrari, but you catch my drift.
Ladies and gents, let me present to you Vanessa Paradis, aka Johnny Depp's girlfriend and the mother of his two kids. First, let me give her props for being a talented singer and a model and an actress. Secondly let gouge out my damn eyes for even seeing this pic! What the hell????
Lindsay Lohan was spotted taking a break from rehab and entering the lobby of her apartment building yesterday. Aside from AA meetings and medical appointments residents of the Wonderland treatment facility are not allowed to leave the premises.
My favorite part of all this is her clever ghost disguise. I wonder if when approached by guards she just yelled 'BOO!' and scared them off. It sure beats the monocle and top hat I wore then I tried to sneak out of work earlier today.
According to Scientology's church leaders, Tom Cruise is the new 'Christ' of the crazy-assed money-making cult. The Sun reports:
The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been 'chosen' to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church's top levels, said: 'Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure. "Like Christ, he's been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right."Slow down, just because Tom Cruise is the prettiest and has given the most money to this cult all of a sudden they are calling him
JESUS?? In my mind the only thing Tom Cruise has in common with Jesus is that they're both males, virgins appeared in the same issue of TigerBeat and they both go by the call-sign 'Maverick' when they fly. Otherwise, I'm totally offended by the comparison.
The nominees for the 79th Academy Awards were announced this morning, and 'Dreamgirls' leads the pack with 8 nominations, including Best Supporting Actor for Eddie Murphy and Best Supporting Actress for Jennifer Hudson. Surprisingly, it did not receive nods for Best Picture or Best Director. 'Dreamgirls' has long been considered the front runner to win both those awards.
The nominees are:
BEST PICTURE: BABEL, THE DEPARTED, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA, LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE, THE QUEEN
BEST DIRECTOR: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel,) Martin Scorsese (The Departed,) Clint Eastwood (Letters from Iwo Jima,) Stephen Frears (The Queen) and Paul Greengrass (United 93)
BEST ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond,) Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson,) Peter O'Toole (Venus,) Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness,) Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)
BEST ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz (Volver,) Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal,) Helen Mirren (The Queen,) Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada,) Kate Winslet (Little Children)
The biggest surprise on this list is that my erotic short film titled
'My Bum' isn't on the list for best picture OR best sound. It's a damn conspiracy to keep me out of Hollywood I tell you - I bet it's Brad Pitt behind this again, he knows my sexiness would knock him right out of the spotlight and I would just end up stealing Angelina from him (or kidnapping...same thing...)
For a full list of the nominess click
here.
This is begining to get a little awkward. It seems every morning when I open my email Jessica Biel sends me yet
another bikini shot of herself. Jessica, let's put an end to this...I'm too much man for you, it'll never work. And you have to understand, when I say no mean no, I'm just not interested in you.
...and by 'not interested' I mean 'I would lick mash potatoes off a homeless man just to see another shot of you in your bikini'. Now where's my gravy?
More of Jessica's additional beach prancing and dancing
here and perhaps even....
HERE.
Paris Hilton plead no contest to her DUI today and was placed on 36 months probation, ordered to pay a $1,500 fine, and forced to attend an alcohol education program. Not a bad deal if you ask me.
I have to admit though, I felt bad for her - reminds me of the time I drove hammered all the way home only to wake up the next morning to find a man stuck in my windshield. Minus the initial awkwardness, he was a pleasant conversationalist - and if he didn't bleed to death I'm sure we would have been fantastic friends. Rest in peace Windshield Willy....rest in peace.....(and if you come back to haunt me, your wallet was empty when I found it...honest!)
Oh right, more of Paris' day in court
here.
It seems Mandy Moore has been battling depression as of late. She tells Jane magazine:
"A few months ago, I felt really low, really sad. I'm a very positive person, and I've always been 'glass half-full.' So it was like someone flipped a switch in me."What? Why didn't anyone tell me this? Do you realize how EASY it is to pick up depressed chicks? All I have to do is show up with a guitar and sing about 'dying' and 'rain' and 'dead babies' and then - bang! - I'm in. Don't judge me, how do you think DJ AM picked her up?
Is it just me, or recently does it seem as though Jessica Biel's life has just been one big open audition for a rap video? It's all been bikinis and T&A for the past month.
Truth is I'm not bothered by it in the least..no matter if you're gay, straight, man or woman, you've got to admit, that ass of hers has mad skills, and I mean 'The Last Starfighter'-like mad skills! That kid could
PLAY!
Check out more pics
here,
here annnnnnnnnnd
here.
After his daughter, Beyonce, walked away from the Golden Globes without an award, Matthew Knowles did what he does best, blaming everyone BUT Beyonce for her lack of acting talent. Mr. Knowles told reporters back stage that his daughter lost due to a 'white system' that is still alive in 2007 as it was in 1967.
"Today is MLK's birthday and it saddens me to say that things have not changed for blacks. Working class blacks and blacks in Hollywood are still being discriminated against. We still have a long way to go," he said.
Considering Forest Whitaker, Eddie Murphy, Jennifer Hudson, Prince and the Dreamgirls movie won Golden Globes this year I think that comment is in bad taste, sounding of a sore loser. Kind of like the time I yelled at the audience this weekend at the karaoke bar, blaming them that they were anti-white because they didn't cheer for my version of 'The Never Ending Story' theme. Racist jerks. Lalalalalala.
Remember Mena Suvari? Yeah, neither do I - but here are some pictures of her topless on the beach. That makes her a celebrity again in my books, and my 'my books' I'm of course refering to my Sweet Valley High collection, is there any mystery babysitters
can't solve? I don't think so.
Click
here to see uncensored NSFW versions. And
here and
here.
I don't know what shocks me more, that celebs like to read about themselves or that Britney Spears can read! I'm sure the others around her where quite annoying with her reading outloud...thankfully the only words she can read are 'boo-boo' 'poopy' 'caca' and 'thighmaster' so it was over pretty quickly.
Isn't it cute when the girls get into mom's cosmetics and play dress up? And by 'cute' I of course mean 'frightening' - they look like damn clowns...terrifying evil demonic clowns. Ronald McDonald wears his make up hotter then them, I'd rather have a threesome with Grimace and Ronald then those two sisters. And YES I would like fries with that!
Paris Hilton reportedly visited a cosmetic surgeon this week in hopes to "fix her drooping left eyelid." Approximately six years ago, Paris had surgery to lift her eyelids, but the left eye muscles were damaged as a result, (and all this time I just assumed she was winking at me). Page Six says:
Hilton, who is filming "The Hottie and the Nottie," has made things worse by wearing blue- tinted contact lenses over her naturally brown irises. "They have been drying out lately," dished the tipster. "She is ignoring doctors' orders to not wear her tinted contacts."Fixing her eyelid? What a waste, she's got so many things wrong with her that require instant attention at the moment (her burning crotch perhaps?). My advice, take advantage of the dropping eye, I mean how many times do you have an opportunity to wear an eyepatch for real? YARRR!
Did you see Clint at the Golden Globe Awards? Looks like he's had some serious signs of plastic surgery - why the hell would he do that? Getting rid of his trademark squinty eyes and rough face is the stupidest thing you could do.
Knowing how tough Clint is I doubt it's plastic surgery, he probably felt he was looking a bit tired and took a sander to his face and ground away. Did he cry? Clint? No way...he just laughed and painted rainbows...because that's what tough men do, paint pretty landscapes to dull the pain.
Either I was wrong or somebody made a call to "Dr. Coathanger" at his "office" (aka in the alley) recently. And since I don't like being wrong THAT will be the rumour I'll be starting.
You heard it here first, Britney 'back alley abortion' Spears is no longer pregnant. Breath a sigh of relief Mr. Perez Hilton, you no longer have to worry about paying all that child support.
Nothing is worse then getting busted whilst checking out a rack. What's worse is when there is picture evidence.
But let's give P.Diddy the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was looking down thinking 'Those are good mammaries with top notch milk-secreting tissue, she'd be a great wet-nurse for my new children' or 'I wonder who designed that dress? It would look lovely on mom' or 'DAMMMNNNN with a rack like that they're gonna have to change my name again to P.WOODY! HOLLA!'
Who knew? I stop watching The Apprentice for a few seasons and look at what happens. This is Ivanka Trump at an NBC/Universal Gollden Globes party a few days back. You got to admit, when Trump does something he goes all out - even when it comes to buying his daughter implants. Is there anything that man can't do?
When I have a particularity bad break-up I usually deal with it like any guy would; get good and wasted and sleep with the first warm body I can find (preferably with a pulse). What do Hollywood 'babes' like Cameron Diaz do? A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper:
'While Cameron looks for her own place, she wants to (move back) home. Her parents also live near Los Angeles, in Long Beach. That's where she is going to move her stuff while she figures out what to do next.'Moving back home? What? Christopher Reeve couldn't
move and had to drive that damn chair with his mouth and he still didn't move back in with his folks. No disrespect to Christopher Reeve, but the one thing him and Cameron have in common is they both deserve handicap parking spots. Him due to his disability, Cameron because she's so f'ing ugly! Too far?
Lindsay Lohan's rep has just issued this statement:
'I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time.'Now I may not be a 'doctor' or even 'read at an 8th grade level' but my assumption is that 'appendix surgery' the other week was clearly an overdose. Tricky, tricky.
We now have confirmation that the sex tape starring Paris Hilton's BFF Kim Kardashian and Ray J is
real and it's a pisser! There are a number of porn companies which are negotiating the rights to the tape and SugarDVD has offered Kim $2 million to sell it. Why the excitement? Did we mention that there are 'watersports' involved? (p.s. if you don't catch my drift google it...but I warned you) And when I say 'watersports'I don't mean the time your dad sprayed you with the hose while washing the Trans Am outside.
I'm torn. She is hot, but I think I'd rather have sex with a man dressed up as Cobra Commander then watching this hottie getting pee'd on, yuck! COBRAAAAAAAAAA!!
More of Kim Kardashian's sex tape story
here.
Looks like Britney took a break from binge-drinking all night and eating chocolate-covered pork chops long enough to procreate. This "pregnancy" comes only 3 months after giving birth to her most recent white-trash litter,
In Touch says:
"I've seen her during the last two pregnancies and she has the same look now," a "pal who sees Britney every week" told the mag. "She's heavier, but that's not it. It's the sparkle in her eye. She always gets that sparkle when she's pregnant, like she's relaxed and happy."Huh...I always thought that sparkle in her eye came only when visiting the McDonald's drive through...
Let's play a game of 'whose the daddy?' leave your comments regarding who you think the dad is. In 9 months from now the winner will get a lapdance from
me dressed as any character of their choice from Voltron....VOLTRON people!
As if you needed any more reason to think Cameron Diaz is crazy, here's more. It seems Diaz made the major mistake of being the bat-shiat crazy ex in front of a number of important people at a Golden Globe party:
Diaz followed (her ex) Justin Timberlake to the In Style party at the Hilton Oasis, where "they had an awkward conversation." She then trailed Timberlake to the Beverly Hilton rooftop for the Universal party, where she found him chatting up Biel - and screamed at the "Illusionist" star. "If that's how she wants to get him back, it won't work," said our insider. "She's desperate." She's desperate? Wicked! Those are my favorite two words when it comes to describing women. If those could be also used in unison with 'low self esteem' and 'low standards' I'd be set for life. Any desperate chicks out there? If so, I'm game! Deep-seeded resentment of your father is also an acceptable qualification - those girls are really f'ed up!
Star Magazine is reporting that Julia Roberts will be having a boy due around June 22nd. And even nuttier, sources are saying that Julia is giving birth to
another set of twins, because she has what's referred to in the 'medical community' as an 'ubber-womb'...either that or it's just because she's using that whole super fertile in-vitro-thingy...you know...my semen.
Her multiple sons will join Hazel and Phinnaeus. Which begs the question, what they will name this one? Eviel Roberts? Hamburglar? Darth Vadar? I'm running out of names here..
According to some site called The Gatecrasher, Britney's recent 'vagina incident(s)' has made her not terribly welcome as a guest at the Super Bowl. But here's the kicker - Britney was passed over for an ad in favor of the syphilis-magnet herself, Paris Hilton.
A source tells us that Spears' people were turned down
flat when they asked about participating.
"She's too much of a train wreck," says the insider. "Besides, we already have Paris Hilton." The day you get passed up for Paris Hilton because she's more reliable, you know there's a problem. Kinda like the time I was passed up for Tom Cruise in Top Gun. I'll admit, it was tough, but nothing will ever stop my NEED FOR SPEED!
It's a match made in white-trash/STD heaven. It seems Lindsay Lohan and Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis are now officially a couple. Page Six has reported the following:
'Lindsay Lohan found a guy with a jet. She's seeing "Girls Gone Wild" impresario Joe Francis. Friends of Lohan say Francis was with her when she went to the hospital two weeks ago to have her appendix out, and they planned to leave Saturday for a mini-vacation at Francis' Mexican estate, but decided to stay in town. "Neither of them could resist the lure of the Golden Globe parties," laughed our spy.My favorite part of this quote is the '...laughed our spy' portion. Do the gossip mags actually have 'spies' with noisy leather gloves, monocles and fake moustaches that report the daily gossip to only conclude with a hearty 'MWWAAA HAAA HAAA HAAAA!!!' as he feeds the pet tarantula on his shoulder.
Move over Kelly Clarkson, without the help of airbrushing Gwen is looking like that homeless lady I just gave five dollars to this morning, sick. And by 'five dollars' I mean 'my phone number' and by 'homeless' I mean 'passed out drunk behind my apartment'.
I'll be the first to admit, I never saw this day coming - I thought there was more of a chance of me winning a roller derby then Tara Reid actually looking hot again. I'm assuming this picture must have been photoshoped, because recently Tara's body has looked like it belonged in the burn ward as opposed to the beach.
Regardless I'll have to give her props, her new plastic surgeon is WAY better then the last.
Is it just me or does Beyonce look more and more like a tranny everytime I see her? I swear just a bit of a 5 o'clock shadow and she's a shoo-in for Ang Lee's next movie.
There is NOTHING sexy about this 'girl' or that pose for that matter. I think I'd rather marry a donkey in a ball gown then do anything with this 'hunky' actress/singer/man.
I wish she would polish MY golden globes, I mean damn, she looks hot! I would pour gasoline on my own grandmother just to stand in a line for a one-in-a-million chance to drink her week-old bath water. Too far?
More of Angelina at the awards show
here. More Golden Globe coverage shortly...
Just when you start to think she's somewhat attractive, Kelly Clarkson goes out and does this. She looks like a WWI vet that just dug up and brought back to life to take revenge on his bunkmate that stole his boots. I think I'd rather make out with a corpse then to even make eye contact with her at a Starbucks
Check out more of Kelly
here.
Maybe all the rumours about Lindsay Lohan were true after all..this blind item was recently revealed in the gossip rags:
'Which hard-partying starlet just got a brand-new case of herpes to kick off the new year? The poor thing can't seem to catch a break lately.'The easy money in on Lindsay Lohan, she's got more semen in her then a damn submarine. This new development easily bumps her up a few places in my death pool (look out Andy Dick!) - if she's got the herp now, you have to consider what else may lie in that cavernous vagina of wonders.
Kim Basinger is due in court today to answer 12 contempt of court charges, and faces a 60-day jail sentence and $12,000 fine if she's found guilty.
The star is accused by ex-husband Alec Baldwin of breaching a 2004 custody agreement laying down who should look after their 11-year-old daughter Ireland. Baldwin alleges Basinger failed to tell him she'd be out of town, giving him an opportunity to care for their daughter. He also claims Basinger failed to inform him of an injury Ireland suffered which needed medical attention.
Court papers filed by Baldwin's lawyer allege Basinger has a 'pathological need' to distance Ireland from her father, with one section claiming, 'Over and over, Ms. Basinger demonstrated that her resentments are more precious to her than the emotional well-being of her child.' The Los Angeles Superior Court has yet to consider the pending matter.Another celeb off to jail? Great, now she can see what it's like to live my life...bunkbeds, terrible food, unwanted shower taunts, abuse...man, I REALLY have to move out of my parent's basement!
Either Posh is shopping for homes in L.A. while wearing monkey fur, or we have the first ever photo evidence of a chupacabra! I'm no scientist, but I'm going to settle for the latter.
I don't quite know how celebrities get away with wearing this stuff - with a coat like that you'd assumed she'd be followed by a team of anthropologist putting plaster in her footprints and taking blurry pictures.
Be honest, have you ever seen someone looks this terrible? When I read that she landed in L.A. I assumed it was via flying saucer - look at her, should could have totally been the body double in that alien autopsy video.
Check out more Posh pictures
here.
Who was spotted leaving the Saturday Night Live after-party at Tillman's together last night?
None other than
me and Scarlett Johansson...err..ok....Scarlett Johansson and Wilmer Valderrama. But I
swear she was thinking of me...and by 'thinking of me' I mean I was posting on her fan site how 'wack' she was in the Nanny Diaries. But I know she read it, she really did...
I'd like to thank all my loyal readers for checking out PopCulturePundit each and every single day. In return, we've redesigned the site to enhance your gossip experience. I'll admit, it's probably a bit more pink then you bitches are used to -but let's be honest, the beautiful babies love the pink - and I'm never one to disagree.
Enjoy.
Thank God! Move over Kelly Osbourne, Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in talks to do a Playboy spread after losing her crown. This offer is shortly following her decision to turn down a $25,000 offer to host a Girls Gone Wild special (boo!). The most interesting part of this story is a quote by a friend of Rees:
'Donald Trump is a hypocrite. He lets one girl keep her crown who is a drug addict, but the girl who is a hot, fun party girl who enjoys other women has to be dethroned? I think her lifestyle is fun and amazing. Donald should really stop being so prejudiced against gay and lesbian people, like his fight with Rosie (O'Donnell.)'Gay and lesbian people? Is Katie Rees actually a lesbian? If that's the case she is the coolest thing to happen to me since rhythmic gymnastics where approved as Olympic sport - because God knows I've been looking for venue to strut my stuff! Now where are my leg warmers?
I know when I'm feeling a tad lonely and feel like no one is paying attention to me I pull out my old see-through top and show of my man-nipples. Looks like Lindsay and I are just like two peas in a pod.
I guess attention whore Lindsay Lohan went a full day without any boozy rumours, party stories or near-death experiences and felt the need to let us know she's still around. I'm not really complaining, I'm just saying....
Ewww! I knew she was too good to be true. Take a look at those veins in her arms - what are they, garden hoses? It's amost like she was in a horrible, horrible accident where she lost both arms, told no one, and surgically attached two veiny penises in their places. Disgusting.
Yes you're seeing that right - Paris Hilton is signing a gas tank. I'm assuming the next frame in this picture is the fan pouring the gas on her and lighting a match and her screaming 'Oh God is that ever hot!'. Because that's the right thing to do - for all of us.
K-Fed wants to sell his kids for $50 million, that's a pretty good deal considering one of them is most likely
retarded - in the clinical sense (
read more)
File this under 'boring stories of the week':
Cameron and Justin are done....Yawn (
read more)
Lindsay Lohan is running in a bikini. Question: if they removed her appendix, should there not be a scar? Look and see (
read more)
Can my eyes be deceiving me? Or does
Nicole Richie actually look....HOT? Quite the black...errr...white....errr....regardless, nice ass (
see more)
Britney appears in public looking like a homeless lady y'all- either way, I'd still like to dive in her dumpster for leftovers (
read and see more)
Brangelina who? David and Victoria Beckham might not be household names in the U.S. just yet, but they will be very, very soon. Just like me.
It's almost playing out like a fun little ABC sitcom. She can be like 'The Princess' who comes to a slumy country, while her charming British (and closeted gay) hubby bangs every dude on the team. It's genius! Like Mr. Belvedere, but with less S&M....and snuff.
Wow! She must have been REALLY wasted when she picked up this one. I bet her 'people' are all just too sweet to tell her he's a dolphin, because of the love...love is just that special...cross-species special....
According to sources, when Lohan was in the hospital to get her appendix removed the doctors found something could be killing her....guess what it was?
'The appendectomy was routine, but what doctors discovered in her blood work was not,' a source close to the actress told The ENQUIRER. 'Lindsay's liver panel shows her drinking is taking a terrible toll on her health. Her liver enzymes are extremely elevated, and doctors warned her if she doesn't quit boozing she could die!' The high levels of two particular liver enzymes indicate that some of Lindsay's liver cells are damaged and are leaking these enzymes into her blood. In addition to the raised enzymes, the levels of protein in her liver were shockingly low - so low her doctors "couldn't believe she was even walking around," said an insiderWhy does this surprise no one? My Lohan death watch is in full effect, the way this whore has been tipping back the vodka I give her a month live.
There are just two people in the world I wouldn't want to be right now; Saddam Hussein's chiropractor or Britney Spears' stylist (I admit, I'm calling this one in...that wasn't even close to funny). Seems her stylist, Britt Bardo, agrees with my point of view based on her quote in In Touch Weekly:
'Yes, I've done Britney Spears, but don't blame me, okay? I make her up and she just takes everything off and does her own thing.'I'm surprised Britney is sober enough to even remember who her stylist is, or her kids for that matter..honestly I really don't care - just as long as she never has her picture taken in a bikini again.
File this one under 'vomit inducing story of the year.' It had been reported that Kelly Osbourne would like to pose nude in Playboy, she said:
"I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits."Some airbrushing? SOME??!! With the amount of airbrushing needed to make her look attractive she won't even be recognizable...you could show me her Playboy spread, a pear and a Tickle Me Elmo doll and I couldn't tell which one was her.
To even contemplate opening that issue of Playboy I'd have to be drunk enough to sleep with a goat....well that's a six-pack...I'd need at least a keg to look at her. The only book she should be featured naked in would be Moby Dick. YARRRR!!
Angelina Jolie confessed to UK Elle that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was not planned afterall. She said that she never had the intention of getting pregnant:
'I wasn't planning on getting pregnant. I'm the one that got knocked up. Some men have kids when they're not ready and some men know they want to take it seriously and wait until they're absolutely ready.'An accident? Forgive me, but there is no such thing as an accidental pregnancy with the advances in birth control now days, the only true accidents are like the time I accidentally left my trunk unlocked and my sex-slave escaped...now THAT was a horrible, horrible accident.
She may have pled 'not guilty' to driving under the influence - but if I was a judge I'd charge her for having a saggy boob, gross. That is illegal in California, right?
Seriously, if you look this bad after plastic surgery there is a problem. Either it was performed by a drunk homeless lady with a coat hanger in an alley or you're just naturally fug. I'm leaning towards column b.
I guess being naturally smoking hot is not only my gift, but also my curse - because in my infinite beauty it's my job to not only let women gaze in into my sparkling sexy beast-like eyes, but also let others know they blow in comparison....big time. SHAZZAM!
Accusations have been flying that the Lost In Translation star has been diva-ish in her behavior while filming the new Justin Timberlake video for 'What goes around...comes around'
Johansson was said to have thrown a fit (or 'hissy-fit' as mom calls 'em) when she wasn't allowed to smoke on set, she was overhead to say:
'How come we have fire dancers, but I can't smoke?' Also, eating in front of her was also reportedly banned, with her bodyguard telling crew members to go somewhere else if they were going to eat.
I for one think she's got a great point, I hate people eating infront of me. Just yesterday I saw a homeless man eating tuna sandwich in front of me - I was so disgusted that I grabbed the wheel out of the bus driver's hands and ran the bastard over! The nerve...EATING near me....
I have to admit though, when you're as hot as Scarlett Johansson is, you're allowed to be as demanding as you want. She is so hot I would pay a million dollars just to drink her dirty uncle's bathwater...you know, just to feel close to her like a normal person would do...normal.....person...
I find this a little disturbing. If you're a dude and you want to hit this, I think you have a problem...I mean look at her, she's got the body of a 11 year old boy! It's so pervy!
Even to be caught looking at her would be terribly, terribly awkward...kinda like that time I was at the laundromat and I was emptying out someone else's washing machine only for her to walk in on me as I was holding her pink thong in my hands......errr...fine....
wearing her thong as she walked in........ok, ok.....wearing her thong
and sniffing her lingerie. But in my defense, I was wasted...wasted at the laundromat.....oh god, I'm so lonely....
A NYC bar goer has come forward with a claim that they witnessed Josh Hartnett getting a blowjob from two chicks in the bathroom of the said bar last night:
"I was out last night with my friend in New York City. We went to the Lower East Side for drinks and to hangout. We started at this bar called Max Fish. Two of my girlfriends noticed that Josh Hartnett had arrived and proceeded to talk to him for a bit. He invited them to come meet him and some other friends at a small bar called Mamma's. When we arrived the star struck girls could see Josh over in the corner - but he was surrounded by another group of girls. My friend had to go to the bathroom and there was a small line. The guy in front of her mentioned that there were 2 girls in the bathroom and just then Hartnett walked right in. He was pissed (not knowing it was Josh, but he was mad because he obviously knew this would take a while). After a considerable amount of time - the pissed off guy walked up to the door and yanked it open - only to expose to the bar Josh Hartnett receiving a big sloppy blowjob from one of the two girls who was down on her knees. It was difficult to see what the other girl was doing because he shut the door so quickly. For Confirmation - he was wearing a white t-shirt that said KLAUS on the front and a black knit hat and had an ugly pair of glasses hanging from his shirt"Well Josh should be thankful I wasn't in the bar that night, because I'm just do damn handsome the chicks would be too busy checking me out to even consider these kind of escapades with Mr. Hartnett. And by 'bar' I mean my basement - and by 'girls' I'm obviously referring to my Carebear collection....regardless....be thankful Josh, be thankful!
Kate Winslet once asked Meryl Streep if she could French-kiss her. The some-times hot actress from 'The Holiday' was so exited to meet her idol at a recent awards ceremony she accidentally blurted out the embarrassing offer, As reported in In Style magazine Winslet said:
"I went up to her and said, 'Oh my God, I love you so much, I would happily tongue-kiss you right now!"'
She explained: "Doing things on a whim, taking risks - I definitely have that side. It drives Sam (her husband) mad."Have you ever seen a man die before? Me neither, but I'd assume it's pretty close to what those two kissing would resemble. But I got to cut her some slack, I'm the same way when I meet people I respect...like the time I offered Cal Ripken Jr a hand job then I met him at a sports convention...I tell you, for a guy that can play 2,000+ games in a row he sure doesn't have a lot of 'stamina'
I know what you're thinking and I agree - I mean I write about Hollywood and I got the best ass on the planet, (want proof? ask my proctologist)...why aren't I on the list?
Click here to see all the pictures of Hollywood's best butts - now where the hell did I put that squat rack and baby oil?
Looks like this guy read my book
'How to pick up a chick in 30 seconds or less' because he's stealing my move!
Nothing makes a girl love you more then having a boner sticking out of your swim trunks while she's standing above you in a bikini. I like to call the move the 'swim-tent special'...you can use it and thank me later but beware, it's a powerful lady-magnet (if you swim with a t-shirt on like yours truly, make sure you hike it up a tad to show your full 'feelings' for her)!
Ever since I helped liberate Baghdad with the Marine Corps while simultaneously working on a cancer-curing team of doctors, I've been looking for someone to do something even more charitable then I. Ladies and gents, courtesy of TMZ, I think we found it:
Following in Angelina's and Madonna's footsteps, Leonardo DiCaprio is jumping on the adopt-a-baby bandwagon. While in South Africa filming "Blood Diamond," according to the New York Post, he met a little girl that he "adopted." Unlike his predecessors, though, Leo won't be bringing home baby. He'll just be cutting a monthly check and checking in by phone.Wait a second...'cutting a monthly cheque and checking in by phone'? That's not adoption, it sounds instead like that Russian mail-order bride I just picked out from the catalogue, I'm pretty pumped about it too! Apparently once her bank account hits $20k her and her lovely (and quite large) brother will be moving in with me. Of course I'm still confused to why they want to sleep together in a separate room...but what do I know....I'm not a commie.
Ashlee Simpson took a little time at the beach this week to show off a tad more than she would have preferred while on vacation in Hawaii. I don't understand the big deal, I walk down the street with no shirt on and bells on my nipples yelling 'Hear ye! Hear ye! My moobs are royally delicious!' and I don't get any press at all...fickle bastards...
For the uncensored and super zoomed in version click
HERE.
Playboy has made an offer to shoot troubled Miss USA Tara Conner for an upcoming cover. She would not appear naked inside the magazine (at least not just yet) not while she is still the reigning Miss USA. Page Six says:
Said an insider, "If Trump allowed her to do it, it would have to be in good taste."
Which means she'll keep her clothes on. So, basically, the cover of Playboy will look just like last week's Maxim. Lame.
I'll admit, I was drunk too on New Years Eve, but at least I was still able to remember how to count down from 10 to 1. And I did it without having the countdown in front of me to
read like Tara Reid did in this clip of the party she was hosting.
I think half of the stuff she was saying wasn't even numbers...I think I heard the word 'leprechaun' and 'spank' in there somewhere, which would make sense if she was counting from one gazillion, but not from ten.
Watch Tara getting her drink on and her count wrong
HERE. And yes, that guy is the video was Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite .
If there is ever a day when seeing Jessica Alba playing football in a bikini doesn't make me throw up with excitement, please kill me. No warning, just sneak up on me and hit me with a chair and kill me...a chair on fire...a flaming chair would be the only classy way to end my then empty, meaningless life.
Prepare for the excitement of your life as you check out a billion more pics of Jessica's football game
here.
Hotness has a name and it's Carson Daly. All you gotta do is just look at this picture and you'll feel the pure sexual heat! It's like he's starting a new style, bulging eyes, manorexia and Graves Disease is like the new cool thing to have!
Didn't this man just have twins? Shouldn't he be at home with his baby momma and kids?
The nominees for the 79th Academy Awards were announced this morning, and 'Dreamgirls' leads the pack with 8 nominations, including Best Supporting Actor for Eddie Murphy and Best Supporting Actress for Jennifer Hudson. Surprisingly, it did not receive nods for Best Picture or Best Director. 'Dreamgirls' has long been considered the front runner to win both those awards.
Ewww! I knew she was too good to be true. Take a look at those veins in her arms - what are they, garden hoses? It's amost like she was in a horrible, horrible accident where she lost both arms, told no one, and surgically attached two veiny penises in their places. Disgusting.
Brangelina who? David and Victoria Beckham might not be household names in the U.S. just yet, but they will be very, very soon. Just like me.
I know what you're thinking and I agree - I mean I write about Hollywood and I got the best ass on the planet, (want proof? ask my proctologist)...why aren't I on the list? Click here to see all the pictures of Hollywood's best butts - now where the hell did I put that squat rack and baby oil?
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