Lil sumpthin-sumpthin for my girls: Matthew McConaughey
Ladies, Matthew McConaghey is shirtless. You can thank me for photoshopping my body in the place of his later.
Paris BUSTED!
After leaving the Virgin Megastore last night around10:30pm, Paris Hiton was pulled over by Hollywood police after speeding down Sunset Blvd. without headlights. Once it was discovered that she was driving with a suspended license, her 2007 Bentley Continental GTC convertible was impounded.
Here's the good part: if it's to be determined if the suspended license was a result of her reckless (ie DRUNK) driving conviction last month Paris just violated her probation which means she very likely will be heading to prison. Awesome.
I don't know why the thought of Paris in prison makes me feel all tingly inside...but I'll tell you - it's the same kind of butterflies I feel when I write Jessica Simpson letters, send Jessica my hair and semen samples, update my Jessica blog and the feeling I get when I hide in her closet whispering 'yooooou waaaaaaanntttt whhhhat I gooooooooot Jeessssicaaaaaa YOU WANT IT......'.
Victoria Beckham goes blond!
Posh is blond now? Wow, I haven't been this excited since I went for that ride on the Millennium Falcon! Slow gossip day? Yep!
Jennifer Love Hewitt is not too bad
Well well well...looks like someone dropped a few pounds to squeeze into their Oscar dress this weekend. Either that or this never happened and what you see above is nothing but a hand-drawn picture of a hot large-chested girl at the Oscars...a sexy hand drawn picture...like the ones of MacGyver I used to do in the 6th grade.
John Travolta is totally straight
Uh - what the hell is going on here? John Travolta either looks like he belongs on a Gay Pride float or else as one of my lawn ornaments (you know, for my garden of delights and wonders...). Who does he think he's fooling, not me, I have a PHD in sexual orientation...or children's literature...I can't remember..
Gwen Stefani topless
Radio station Edge 102.1 in Toronto have uncovered a classic (nay, not classy) pic of Gwen Stefani topless. I'm not going to candy coat it, it's not pretty - just when I thought that trolls where make-believe my eyes get raped by this monstrosity. Let me put it this way - looking at this picture turned me gay. Flat out raging GAY..Travolta-gay!
Hold onto your hats and check out the uncensored NFSW image HERE.
Final Oscar update of the night
Well it's Helen, Forrest for acting. Martin Scorcese for directing. And for best picture it's The Departed.
I'm just glad it's done - now I can finally go to bed on that big pile of money with my 7 asian hookers.
Oscar: half time update
One of my favorite movies, Little Miss Sunshine, is doing much better then I anticipated. However, for the billionth year in a row I'm a tad pissed these are going on so late, not to mention I'm not enjoying the fact that this booze will be catching up with me tomorrow morning at work. Ah well, I'm too lazy to post more winners, so check it out HERE.
Oscar coverage: best looking chick of the night...
...Is Reese Witherspoon. I would totally hit her, only if she wouldn't be so disgusted that I'm more then just a man...yes, I'm not only just a massively well hung man but I am also HALF MACHINE! Oh God, these drinks are going down too easy...stay tuned for more coverage.
Oscar winner update - Little Miss Sunshine
Good to see Alan Arkin win, however, I was kinda rooting for the pedophile in Little Children, you know...to make me look less weird. The whole 'tree trunk' fetish has been tough to overcome.
Winner so far:
Supporting Actor - Alan Arkin
Art Direction - Pan's Labyrinth
Makeup - Pan's Labyrinth
Short Film (animated) - The Danish Poet (Yay Canada Film Board!)
Short Film (live action) - West Bank Story
Sound Editing - Letters from Iwo Jima
Sound Mixing - Dream Girls
p.s. I'm 4 for 7 in my picks. Those bitches at the office have no idea what's coming.
Oscars: Anne Hathaway
Annie is by far the worst dressed. It looks like she stole this dress off of a dead Chippendale dancer, dry cleaned it and added a bow. And by 'dead Chippendale dancer' I mean she stole it from me.
Oscars: Beyonce
Uh - is Beyonce doing a lunge here? Secondly, my grandma called and wants her curtain back.
Oscars: Jennifer Hudson wears tinfoil
Jennifer Hudson looks like she should be floating outside of the international space station repairing the bbq. I'm so not about this dress and I'm so about having another drink.
More more more Academy Awards
Cameron Diaz brings a whole new definition to the word 'fug'. I can't believe they let her get into the Oscars - I'd assume scientists would be tracking her, taking hair samples for DNA and putting plaster in her footprints. And aren't all her picture supposed to come out blurry? Damn, it looks like she was bitten by that monkey from 'Outbreak'
Academy Awards: the Travoltas
Who is wearing the animal here? Kelly Preston on her body or John Travolta on his head? Damn that thing has got to itch.
Academy Awards coverage continues
Well I've downed a bottle of red, 2 whiskeys and now onto my bottle of white. What am I wearing? Not Oscar, Versace or Ralph, most likely Nike.
Well I have a few comments. What the hell is with Jennifer Hudson's tinfoil frock, is she auditioning for Independence Day II? Anyone else notice Jessica Biel's boobs are ice cold? Because I sure didn't. Why didn't J-Lo mention that she is preggers? Is it the booze or is Helen Miren looking hot? Is Penelope Cruz wearing feathers? When is Jodie Foster getting her sex change operation (Because it seems the testosterone has been doing it's trick)?
Oscar coverage all night
Keep us bookmarked for your Academy Awards coverage all night. I'll be all over the Oscar wire like Ted Haggard on a male masseuse or like Michael Jackson in a kiddie pool or Anna Nicole on a case of Slim Fast and crystal meth.
Check back often, if I stay sober it'll be great - a little too much wine and I'll be too busy drunk dialing ex-girlfriends to keep up to date. Wait and see my sexy beasts, wait and see.
Neve Campbell: would you still hit it?
Here is Neve at the Haven House Oscar Suite on Friday looking pretty man-ish. Back in her Party of Five days I thought she was hittable, but not any more. I'm thinking she's looking more like Skippy from Family Ties then the hot piece of ace she was 10 years ago. I think I'd rather have 9 1/2 weeks of hot and scalding pizza sex with the Domino's Noid then even consider making out with this chick. Bleh.
Patricia Heaton in a see-thru top
Patricia Heaton showed up to the opening night of the Los Angeles production of Wicked without her bra on in a see-through top. I just assumed after the age of 45 women's breast just fell off. I mean they can't be interested in sex can they? I just figured they just wanted a good set of steak knives or pot holders.
Mischa Barton drives while high
Mischa Barton must be dulling the pain from a terrible fatal disease....of perhaps trying to forget about her career. But let's not come to any conclusions, maybe she's just rehearsing for an After-School Special about smoking weed and driving called 'The OD'. Please, I'm hungover, that's the best I can do.
Lindsay Lohan skips her dad's and grandfather's funeral
After Robert Altman died last November, Lindsay Lohan released a certainly drug-fulled statement saying that he "was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years." She followed up those touching words by skipping his memorial service Tuesday and instead going out to party in Los Angeles with Steve O.
Alright, it's time for Britney and Lindsay to seriously have a fight to the death. These two f-tards to seriously have to kill each other before any young girl even attempts to emulate either of them. Of course, then I'd have nothing to write about - and this would become a site about volunteerism, prohibition and sex with animals. Sit Ubu Sit!
Britney Gone Wild!
Britney went to K-Fed's pad around about 7 pm last night and rang the bell at his gate three times with no answer. What we see here is once Britney could not get in she went insane and attacked some photographers with an umbrella. Yep, AN UMBRELLA. The day I totally snap I'm hoping my weapon of choice is not a damn umbrella - I mean, who the hell does she think she is? The Penguin?
For more pictures, details and video of the event click HERE.
Deathwatch 2007: Britney attempted suicide twice this past weekend
Now that K-Fed will probably get the kids, I'm assuming attempt #3 will be tomorrow morning. It's being reported that:
'Terrified she'd lose custody of her sons, Britney tried to kill herself twice in the hours after shaving her head Friday night. According to The National Enquirer, Spears tried to take her own life by walking into traffic, only to be rescued at the last second by her staff. But that wasn't the end of Britney's self-destructive evening. A short time later she was rushed to a doctor, as various media outlets reported, and the Enquirer reveals the reason - she kept saying she was going to kill herself and then taking too many Xanax.'
At this moment I'm sure Britney is carefully working out a courtroom strategy with her lawyer to ensure that a careful and rational resolution is met in time to save her kids and bank account. And by that I mean, she's probably high as a kite talking to a toaster about how under-rated the Mini-Pops where. I hate to say it, but this girl's days are numbered.
Read more about about Britney's emotional roller-coaster of fun HERE.
'Terrified she'd lose custody of her sons, Britney tried to kill herself twice in the hours after shaving her head Friday night. According to The National Enquirer, Spears tried to take her own life by walking into traffic, only to be rescued at the last second by her staff. But that wasn't the end of Britney's self-destructive evening. A short time later she was rushed to a doctor, as various media outlets reported, and the Enquirer reveals the reason - she kept saying she was going to kill herself and then taking too many Xanax.'
At this moment I'm sure Britney is carefully working out a courtroom strategy with her lawyer to ensure that a careful and rational resolution is met in time to save her kids and bank account. And by that I mean, she's probably high as a kite talking to a toaster about how under-rated the Mini-Pops where. I hate to say it, but this girl's days are numbered.
Read more about about Britney's emotional roller-coaster of fun HERE.
K-Fed files an injunction
You have to be kidding me, this is getting weirder and weirder by the hour. Just this evening Kevin Federline has filed an emergency injunction to get his kids! A hearing is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
I got to be honest with you, at this moment I have to side with K-Fed. Anna Nicole's drugged-up corpse would be a better mom at this moment. I wouldn't trust Britney with my bag of Cheetos let alone any children.
Check back for additional updates.
Britney has LEFT rehab again, deathwatch 2007 back on
TMZ is confirming that Britney has checked out of Promises after 24 hours. This her second rehab stint which has lasted less then a day.
Now EXTRA is reporting that Britney attempted to go to a tattoo parlor this morning after leaving rehab but couldn't find one that was open.
Additional updates pending - along with the headline 'Britney has OD'd' or 'Oops she did it again'
Tyra "Chubs" Banks re-creates history
In honor of Black History Month, Tyra Banks celebrated the 10th anniversary of her being the first black model appear on the cover of SI Swimsuit Issue (ah yes, I remember it well...). She recreated the photos while wearing the same swimsuit using the same photographers however I'm assuming the buffet was probably at bit larger this time around.
I'm going to be honest - this has less to do with 'black history' and more to do about Chubsy McFat-Bottoms Banks herself and her ego. Ever since she put on all that weight, then starved herself and made that big scene on her show I've lost any respect I've had for her. Her desperate need to prove herself has become so bad that she now feels the need to photoshop the hell out of her body to look like she did ten years ago (check the 'making of' video HERE).
If they did the amount of photoshop on a picture of me that they did on her shoot they could totally give me a zebra head and the body of Desi Arnaz Jr and it would still look more realistic then her bikini body. She's got some 'splaining to do!
Lindsay out of rehab, making up for lost time
The Sun UK is reporting that Lindsay Lohan has officially left her 30 day rehab stint as of last Friday and was immediately spotted at her regular haunts (Winston's and Teddys) partying until 4am. Lindsay's publicist says:
'Lindsay has finished her stay at Wonderland and will continue the program as an outpatient.'
What the hell program was she in anyway? She could have gotten better rehab in an alley somewhere in Bangkok or at a Ms. Hooters competition. This chick is out of control - there are frat boy pledges who drink less then her! Actually that's not a good example, because those frat parties have been so lame lately thanks to that craggy old dean shutting us down.....oh he makes me so mad! I'll get you dean!
Britney, drugs and haircuts
Extra has sheds some light on why Britney might have shaved her head. Apparently K-Fed threatened to have her hair tested for drugs on Friday night. So Britney did what any other deadbeat mom would have done, she got scared and shaved it all off.
Uh - I hate to see what she does when they threaten her with a urine sample. Read more HERE.
Britney back in rehab - death watch extended a few more days
Bat-shait insane Britney Spears has checked into an in-patient facility in Los Angeles today after being pressured by her mom, family and perhaps also her hair-dresser. Last week she checked herself into a rehab facility in Antigua but checked out less than 24 hours later. A rep for Britney says:
'Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today. We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time.'
I never thought she'd do it - I think she has finally acted crazy enough to make K-Fed look like the dependable family man. The only way he can make her look sane is probably changing his name to Galacticus and start riding a cosmic donkey while swallowing all the planets in the solar system like they were Cheetos. And by the way things have been going recently the chances of that happening is a good 50/50.
Tara Reid prank call
An audio file has surfaced of some random guy who got Tara's cell number and prank called her. This kind of stuff is such classic comedy, like pie fights, slipping on banana peels and amputating body parts to sell on eBay.
Honestly, I figure this chick is so wasted 24/7 that every call to her must sound like a prank call. Check the prank call HERE (warning: the site you're being driven to is slightly NSFW)
J-Lo's new album cover
Yuck. Perhaps she should start a group and call them 'the Manikins' because she's really starting to look like one. Either that or 'the Cadavers' she looks like a corpse all done up for a viewing. Trust me, I know what a corpse looks like, I used to work in a funeral home...well, until 'the incident' where I kind of met that really cute dead girl and proceeded to cut my finger and write 'Best Friends Forever' in blood all over the coffin. The glitter hearts, scratch 'n sniff stickers and rainbows where a great touch too. And let it be known that I only got fired 'cause those jerks don't understand love and romance...love and romance or rainbows..
Where was I? More J-Lo news here.
Britney's hair for sale
The site is down (probably the servers can't handle the traffic) but if it comes back, you can bid to buy the hair Britney Spears shaved off Friday night. Buybritneyshair.com says:
This is it, the opportunity of a lifetime. You can be the proud owner of Britney Spears' hair, extensions, the Omega clipper used to cut it all off and even the can of Red Bull she was drinking at the time. You also get her blue Bic Lighter and this valuable domain and website to use for publicity purposes. This is the Ultimate Britney Spears Experience! It is a piece of history that can not be duplicated!A portion of the proceeds will be donated to various charities. The winner will have the choice to remain anonymous or to use this for publicity purposes. If you are SERIOUS about purchasing please do the following: Please send an email to buybritneyshair@yahoo.com and include your name, company name (if applicable), email, phone number, and address. We will contact you A.S.A.P. Any submissions that do not include ALL of the required information will be discarded.
I can't believe the excitement this is causing - people freak out over the littlest things, like the time I thought I had stigmata and then it ended up just being dry skin. That was a loooooong 6 hours of healing old ladies and curing AIDS.
Germans hate Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez was met with boos following the screening of her most recent film, 'Bordertown,' at the Berlin Film Festival.
What? Germans do things to hurt people? Anyone that can make that stuck-up diva J-Lo cry is aces in my book, they ought to put every German in that theater on their own stamp. Heck, I'm willing to learn to speak German and cover myself in deep-fried schnitzel batter if they can make her stop signing and acting for good. Ja!
The train wreck that is Britney continues
This is really getting to be fun! Britney's partying is continuing regardless of her breakdown earlier this weekend.
Sunday afternoon, Britney was spotted without her kids at the Mondrian Hotel in Los Angeles.
Wearing a bikini and a wig, chain smoking and partying with her friends. Then in the evening Britney and her entourage headed to the Roxy nightclub in West Hollywood for a friend's birthday party the onto the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills for some more partying. One clubber who saw Britney last night says:
Wearing a bikini and a wig, chain smoking and partying with her friends. Then in the evening Britney and her entourage headed to the Roxy nightclub in West Hollywood for a friend's birthday party the onto the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills for some more partying. One clubber who saw Britney last night says:
'While she was in the club she kept going to bathroom all the time, which was weird.'
This is getting out of hand, by the end of this week she'll be boxing kangaroos in the alley for cigarette money - either that or dead. It's 50/50 at best.
A lil sumpthin' for my ladies: Brad Pitt
I'm not going to be a jealous bastard as usual here - but you have to admit they must have done a ton of photoshop on this bad boy to make him look this good. The man recently has been looking so tired he's starting to look less like the sexiest man alive and more like Angelina Jolie's 90 year old helper monkey. A wondrous and arousing helper-monkey...
Nicole Richie charged with DUI
Nicole Richie was charged with a DUI for when she was arrested in December for driving the wrong way on the freeway in her SUV. And since she had a prior misdemeanor DUI conviction in 2003 she could face a sentence of 90 days to a year in jail, a fine between $390 and $1,000, and a suspension of driving privileges.
I'm more concerned about how they are going to keep her in her cell if she's jailed. She weighs like 90 lbs, she could totally slip through the bars and elude police by turning sideways and disappearing. You got to sentence this chick to 90 days in a locked box or possibly a P.O. Box, because those are so darn convenient for me when I'm babysitting.
Marissa Miller's past may surprise you
Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Issue mainstay Marissa Miller didn't always have the most credible jobs in the world. It's been recently revealed that she actually started her career as a nude model for such magazines as 'Perfect 10' (think 'Good Housekeeping' but EVEN sexier).
I'm not going to hold her nude modeling past against her, I'm a fairly understanding guy. As long as she doesn't hold my acting roles in snuff films against me, back when I was simply known as 'The Horny Horseman of the A-cock-calypse'.
Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab
On the heels of Britney's breakdown, Lindsay Lohan has checked herself out of Wonderland following a 30-day program. And by '30-day program' I think they're referring to the 30 hours she actually spent there smoking cigarettes and gang-banging the therapists. Her rep said:
'She will continue as an outpatient. She will take it day by day. She's in it for the long haul, and she asks that her privacy be respected.'
I think we all know what's going to happen next, she'll hit the town tonight, take a sip of her first post-rehab drink and before we know a few vodka sodas later she'll be a homeless meth addict on the corner of the street babbling and screaming out passages from Mein Kampf. Just like in the after-school specials. It's Hitler-riffic!
More Britney Spears breakdown pics
Move over Kojak, I've got a new addition to the spank bank. Yech.
Britney Shears
Looks like the curtains finally match the carpet. Britney "Professor X" Spears' breakdown continues as she's now shaven her head, gotten a few new tattoos and essentially just about gone f'ing nuts.
This chick has just jumped ahead of Lindsay Lohan in my celebrity death pool, apparently she's been babbling incoherently, spend just 24 hours in rehab, and won't let anyone touch her. So essentially she now acting like any of my last 3 girlfriends. Read more about her insane breakdown HERE, and check back at PopCulturePundit for updates.
Katherine McPhee works at a barber shop
Oh how she's fallen. With Jennifer Hudson on the cover of Vogue this month here we have fellow Idol Katherine McPhee showing up at a RAZOR event to shave some dude's nuts (or something like that).
I think the average person on the street would recognize the top ten of Who's Who of Victorian Cinema before they even nod in the direction of this has-been. Well, it can't be all bad, maybe for her next gig I can hire her to shave my back - I know my rippling muscles are under there somewhere....and the end result is sure to be SEXY!
Jesus, Ghandi, MLK and ....Madonna??
Madonna (whose ego has no bounds) told Sirius radio in an interview on Wednesday that she is modeling her life on leaders like Martin Luther King, Gandhi and Jesus Christ. She said:
'For me we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself, and these are people in need. I hope that people got that message...Of course some people thought 'Oh, she's just being controversial, she's just getting on a cross and trying to piss people off,' but that wasn't my intention at all...I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon - but I want to stay alive.'
She wants to be like Jesus now? Does that mean we can crucify her? Andy Dick is closer to becoming the 'Jesus-MLK-Ghandi-Lennon' Hybrid then Madonna ever would and he's a total douche. Every time this woman opens her mouth the more retarded the crap that comes out becomes - especially the 'but I want to stay alive' comment. I'm sure in her world Jesus was an astronaut in an elite star fighter unit who went by the call sign 'Captain Awesome' - but if that were true, who WOULDN'T want to be Jesus? JESSSSSUS!!
Eva Mendes in GQ
I've never wanted a wheel barrel ride so bad like I do now! Check out Eva Mendes in her British GQ spread looking hot as ever - sure the wheel barrel she's sitting nude in may be rusty and gross - but a rusty wheel barrel is always just one step away from the rusty trombone!
More of Eva in a zebra bikini, in a white swimsuit and finally topless and dressed like a matador. Happy Valentine's Day!
More Brits: Hugh Grant actually might be cool
In an interview with CBS news regarding his new movie 'Music & Lyrics' Hugh actually said something that made me think that he's not such a huge British poof after all;
Appropriately, the movie opens on Valentine's Day, a day Grant said can reap huge rewards if a man knows how to play it right. 'I remember one Valentine's Day ago sending a huge bunch of flowers to this girl and instantly regretting it,' he said. 'But ... it worked so well. Girls are easy. Really easy.'
Damn right Hugh. My luck on Valentine's Day never seems to go as well. Like the time I tried to re-create the St Valentine's Day Massacre through dance and spoken word for my girl, or the time I got bought women's lingerie...who was I to know that men buy that stuff for the women and aren't supposed to wear it themselves...um, wearing it while doing coke with a dwarf, ah, and a donkey...
Back to my usual tradition I guess, Jack Daniels and crying myself to sleep...Happy Valentine's Day!
More Robbie Williams news
Seems Robbie is the new Anna Nicole, check out some of the details of his life of excess:
- The singer finds it impossible to get to sleep until 4 or 5am due to insomnia and is on sleeping pills.
- He is hooked on the powerful and controversial anti-depressant Seroxat, which has been linked to suicidal tendencies in teenagers.
- And daily he gets through an incredible 36 super-strength double espresso coffees, 60 Silk Cut cigarettes and around 20 cans of energy drink Red Bull.
- His LA mansion has cabinets full of prescription drugs.
What shocks me the most is they diagnose this man with 'insomnia' - he drinks 20 cans of Red Bull a day! That's not insomnia, it's a caffeine high. If I drank that many Red Bulls I'd be so messed up I'd finally be able to sit through that Family Ties marathon I've always been talking about. And if you take enough Seroxat, Tina Yothers actually starts talking to you - in Klingon!
Lil sumpthin' for the Brits
My boy Robbie Williams has checked himself into rehab due to an addiction with prescription drugs. His publicist released the following statement:
'Robbie Williams has today been admitted into a treatment center in America for his dependency on prescription drugs. There will be no further comment on this matter.'
In America? How much do you want to bet that soon we'll be talking about Robbie and Lindsay Lohan and how they met in rehab and are now 'in love'. Either that or we'll be talking about ME and Lindsay, because it's a FACE that actresses ALWAYS go for the President their local fan clubs...errr....fine, to be honest I'm the Vice President.....um, of her sister's Girl Scout's cookie selling committee....but they gave be a really cool badge! Zang!
Beyonce is the new SI Swimsuit issue covergirl
Sources reveal that none other than Beyonce will be the covergirl of the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Now if only I could score the coveted cover spot of Bra Buster Magazine I'll actually be able to feel her excitement.....of course, I haven't felt much since 'the accident'...
You heard it here first! (first...ish....)
Britney's adventure continues
Britney was partying it up in the DJ booth at Tenjune with a female friend last night (while the kids were wandering the streets, I'm sure....) It was also reported that the two girls got pretty cozy and then even left together. YES...left together!
I'll be honest, 7 years ago it would have been a pretty hot story - but now, it's kind of like picturing a dirty club girl and a walrus doing it...or maybe two walrus'...and let me tell you - it's not as hot as you think.
'Lil sumpthin for the ladies II: Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal is seen leaving London’s exclusive Nobu restaurant on Monday night wearing a "The Duffer of St. George" cap. Again, I don't claim to be 'with it' when it comes to what 'the kids' are saying now days, but I'm assuming 'Duffer' means 'Ass-Pirate' and 'St.George' refers to 'I wear Aquaman pyjamas to bed and sleep with plastic sheets because I wet the damn bed'.
Okay, okay...I'll admit, it's just the jealousy talking....jealous that he's hotter then me? or jealous that Jakey won't go fishing with me? A true head scratcher, that only Matlock himself could solve....
Britney goes clubing in a bikini
Finally - a trend I can really appreciate, girls partying at clubs in bikinis. It's way better then that whole 'men wrestling polar bears at clubs pantless'-thing last year...it's hotter and WAY less dangerous.
More pics of Britney getting trashed and partying with other bikini-clad go-go dancers here, try to ignore her gut and focus on the other girls....errr....ok, well try to enjoy them on some level...
Bai Ling (who?) exposes herself
Bai Ling is another one of those people who is 'famous for being famous' that 'has no real talent' and who 'shows their nipple in public'.
I don't quite understand - anytime I slip a nipple at an event, such as a family reunion or anti-abortion demonstration, it never gets reported...maybe it's about time I release my sex tape to stir a bit of interest in my life. However, I may have to re-shoot a few key scenes if there's no market for my current sex tape..you know, me naked with my sister's Barbie's in my neighbor's kid's tree fort. Right...I think I'll leave it up to the focus group.
Bai Ling uncensored and NSFW HERE.
Ashley Olsen is creepy
If I ever, ever find this girl attractive I want all of you to sneak up on me without warning and just punch me in the face...really hard...because at that point I'd probably be a sex offender. She looks way too young and alien-like...she practically could be the stunt double for E.T. if they ever did a prequel. Yech.
More pics of Ashley here and here and here.
More pics of Ashley here and here and here.
For no reason: Entourage's Emmanuelle Chriqui
It's about time I get away from 'whose gay' 'who killed Anna Nicole' 'whose the deadman that took my turkey on rye today out of the fridge at work?' and get back to what really matters...no, not Africa or AIDS but chicks in bikinis.
Today we're featuring Entourage's Emmanuelle Chriqui, she likes celebrity bloggers, virgins and guys who stay in on Friday nights playing D&D...or something like that. Enjoy the pics, they are all here: pic 1, pic 2, pic 3, pic 4, pic 5 and pic 6.
J.C Chasez: gayer then Jesus Cruise on figure skates
The New York Daily News has report some 'breaking news' that a member of N'SYNC might be gay! No, not Justin (he's still in the closet)...not Lance (he's already)...it's the other less talented one: J.C. Chasez. They reported:
So JC Chasez seemed very interested in meeting a particularly handsome young gentleman during Fashion Week. Of course, the poor bastard had to pick a guy who was friends with a gossip columnist. "[His publicist] was like, 'JC is going to be at such and such a place later, and he'd love to hang out with you,' " sez the olive-skinned hunk, who declined to share his phone number. Chasez's rep says he does not recall that conversation taking place. "And if it did, it would just be to hang out in a group, because he's a cool guy, not like a setup,' he explained. Snickers bar, anyone?
Um, I may be out of the loop but is 'Snickers bar' some type of gay euphemism that I'm not aware of? Because if that's the case I'm using that chocolate, delicious, nutty bar alllll wrong. It also seems that when I'm at a bar I should be sending my straight guy friends to ask other straight dudes to hang with us 'because they are cool guys' - not for a hummer in the alley, because in that case I'd just send a drink...like a nice Cosmo, Daiquiri or Slut-Maker. High Five!
The hotness that is Tara Reid
This picture cracks me up - it's Tara Reid at Jermaine Dupri's Grammy Invasion Party possibly having a stroke - looks like half of her damn face is paralyzed! Either that or she's rehersing for her new movie role: playing a retarded frat boy who just won a sea monkey eating competition...'Hey guys...I ate 'em...ATE 'EM GOOD!'. Rated R for frightening facial twitches.
Gross celebrity body parts II: Sarah Jessica Parker's hands
Alright, Mischa Barton's ass has some competition here. Judging by the look of these hands, shouldn't SJP be handing candy out to little kids only to trick them into coming inside her shack in the woods so she can eat them? Gross.
Mischa Barton's ass is terrifying
Oh God, hide your women and children it's Mischa Barton's ass! There are so many craters on that thing they could have faked the moon landing on it! Even Sir Mix-a-Lot couldn't appreciate this bag of cottage cheese disgused as a bum.
Christina Aguilera Maxim pics
Man, do I ever feel like a sucker for dumping her, look how hot she looks. And by 'dumping her' of course I'm referring to 'throwing out my Genie in a Bottle mix tape when she wouldn't reply to my calls/faxes/emails/messenger pigeons'.
In case you missed the Grammy Awards...
...you didn't miss too much, it was crap. My biggest beef of the night was seeing that Petra Nemocova and James Blunt are still a couple. What does she see in this guy? He looks like he lives in a homeless shelter and sings like he's possessed by Micheal Bolton himself! Trust me, I lived with Michael Bolton for years and I know the effect he has...of course it was helpful that his hair was so long considering we needed to dress up like women to sneak in and out of our all-girls rooming house. Oh the memories, it's almost like our lives where nothing more then a hilarious sitcom, filled with laughs, snuff films and future Oscar winners...
To see all the other hot couples and all the hideous Grammy dresses click HERE for 100's of pictures from the big night.
Which one is the lesbian?
Simple answer: all three. Pink has just come off of a divorce from that motocross/tattoo guy and needs to accept her reality. She has got to come to grips that she's as gay as Jesus Cruise and 50 times more manly, come out of the closet!
Accepting who you are is important in a person's development. Like the time I realised that I was an alcoholic and made the life altering decision to quit drinking. The fact that I replaced boozing with beating hobos and ended OD'ing on V8 doesn't diminish my accomplishment at all, I feel I'm a better man....now where's my 5 servings of veggies and hobo-beating stick?
The (lame-ass) coverage continues: Anna Nicole's fridge
Sources at TMZ claim that this is a 100% authentic picture of Anna Nicole Smith’s fridge taken just after she passed away.
What surprises me most is that there are no fetuses or frozen sperm in there for her odd little baby factory she had going prior to her death. However, I'm glad to see her employer's competition's SlimFast is well represented.
Of course, what would really interest me would be seeing what's in Tyra Bank's fridge...probably a few deep fried turkeys, Crisco and corn dogs. Delicious.
Jennifer Aniston topless
Well friends, we have ourselves an image from the classic 'The Breakup' and it so happens to include Jennifer Aniston herself topless. However, I'm quite confused by this...aren't topless photos supposed to be erotic and a turn-on? Because every time I look at this pic I can't help but notice her face and feel compelled to donate to my hospital's burn ward. Why? WHY???
More Anna baby news
I'm starting to think I'd rather have a 48 hour 'love-making' session with Helen Keller before I write one more word about Anna Nicole, but then I read this juicy nugget:
Anna's baby rumoured to be fathered by her own son's (gross!) or Larry Birkhead or Howard K. Stern or Abe Lincoln or me now has YET ANOTHER possible baby daddy: dead billionaire J. Howard Marshall.
It seems he may have frozen some of his 90-year-old super sperm prior to his death and it was used in knocking up Anna. I could see that - having a dead billionaire's baby is a sure way to ensure his fortune stays in your family for years to come. Maybe she was smarter then she looks...
Dirty, dirty Anna Nicole gossip
According to Janet Charlton's Hollywood the Anna Nicole story gets even weirder:
Our Hollywood, Florida source visited the Hard Rock Hotel today and picked up a little information about Anna Nicole's time there. Hotel sources say that when Anna arrived a few days ago she was 'out of it' and slurring her words and she stayed that way during her visit. Also it seemed that Anna was REALLY dreading the court ordered blood test for her baby - and her reasons might be far more complicated that we assumed. Someone actually speculated that the baby might not have been fathered by either Larry Birkhead OR Howard Stern. Keep in mind this is pure speculation, but this person implied that the baby could have been fathered by someone very close to Anna - someone like her own son Daniel. It's a horrible thought, but remember, Anna lived in a different world than most of us. Hopefully, the eventual blood test will prove this rumor wrong.
Whoa. After reading this I almost pulled an Anna Nicole ...chocking on my own vomit and dying, that is a horrible thought! However, judging on how she lived nothing would really surprise me, the autopsy could prove her death was due to rigorous sex during an all-Muppets orgy and I'd probably yawn and go right back to my crossword puzzle...hmmmm...what's a five letter word for sex with a relative?
Kelly Clarkson attains new levels of fug
Here's a recent pic taken of Kelly Clarkson at the airport. I'm not going to beat a dead horse and say she's hideous...but I will tell you that I had to double take when I saw this pic, I swore it was my paperboy for a second. Except I'm starting to think he'd look better in a dress then her...
Anna Nicole pics from this afternoon
Here's a pic taken of Anna Nicole moments leading up to her death this afternoon. Either this is a indication of her state prior to her death, or she's just doing a bang-on impression of her former husband, 97-year old billionaire, J. Marshall Howard. What? Too soon?
HERE is a pic of her being carried back up to her room after being found passed out. This is looking more of more like a frat-boy prank then a death....hmmmm..where's my detective hat?
Thanks for the mammories: Anna Nicole Smith is dead
I know you're assuming this is a joke, but she was found dead today in her hotel room. All I know is I have an alibi for those hours...where were YOU?? Updates are pending...I'm assuming however the '..is dead' portion probably won't change.
Britney's wedgie: a photo essay
Seriously, giving wedgies is pure hilarity - especially when it's somebody famous and you have it captured on film. But for God's sake, Britney is a disgusting mess! Cut off and/or burn those hands when you're done! Do you have any idea where her ass has been?? I do, because I'm her proctologist....that is if 'her proctologist' means I set up a cardboard box outside her house and sell her lemonade for $1 a glass. Delicious AND refreshing.
Ho-hum, it's the Kim Kardashian sex tape
I wasn't going to post anything about this sex tape, but since it seems to be all over the 'information super-highway' I figured I'd put in my two cents worth.
So HERE is the trailer of the video featuring Kim Ka-va-sumthing-balahoo and the brother of singer/killer Brandy, Ray J. I'll be honest, the thought of watching the sex tape of a Hollywood nobody whose only claim to fame is chillin' with the Hiltons and her daddy defended OJ, is boring at best. If you gave me choice of watching her video or Coco the Monkey doing sign language, I'd probably punch you in the crotch for giving me such terrible options, then watch the damn monkey. Enjoy.
Britney Spears digs chicks
To no one's surprise, Touch Weekly claims Britney Spears is into girls and has been living 'a secret life of wild sex long before her marriage ended.' A source says:
"Britney was into threesomes and girls." He says Britney would often invite a bunch of girlfriends over to the couple's house to party. An insider who knows the couple well says that over the course of a night, Britney would often disappear into a bedroom with her girlfriends. "Sometimes it was three girls, and sometimes there were more like six," the insider says. "I heard about her being with girls at least 20 times while they were married." A friend says that Kevin plans to use tales of Britney's secret sexual exploits and drug use in his battle for custody of their sons, Sean Preston, 17 months, and Jayden, 5 months. 'She has told Kevin more than once that she is sexually attracted to women and men equally,' says the pal. 'He wants to show that she's not such an angel after all."
Six girls at a time? I can barely keep track of 3 pairs of sox when I'm doing laundry, let alone attempt to have sex with 6 girls at once! Perhaps I was wrong about Britney, maybe when she's not looking like a total mutant and guzzling down red bull with a bag of Cheetos she's kinda cool...in a large-foreheaded white-trash kinda way.
Separated at birth: Tori Spelling edition
Sexiness has just been taken to the next level and it's name is Tori Spelling! And check out her exact twin Admiral Ackbar. It's uncannily EROTIC, I think I'm in love.
Fergie's recent performance, f. her undies
Check out the crowd's view during Fergie's performance at the pre-Super Bowl party in Miami on Saturday. I must say she did a FANTASTIC job of hiding her testicles. Well done, you hideous tranny, well done.
Arrest warrant out on Daniel Baldwin
Daniel Baldwin (aka the Tito Jackson of the Baldwins) has had a warrant issued for his arrest after the actor failed to show up in Orange County Superior Court earlier today on charges he stole a car.
Stealing a car? I blame the schools, the Jews and the Hollywood Pink Mafia. Because there is nothing like not taking personal responsibility. Like the time I paid for 45 minutes with a hooker and only needed 2. How does that relate you ask? I don't know - but I'm sure Daniel Baldwin's responsible for that somehow.....damn sexy Baldwins....all of them; Alec, Stephen, Miguel, Jose and King Gregor (did I leave any out?)
A lil' sumpthing-sumpthing for the ladies..
No, no don't get too excited...it's not life sized erotic pictures of me. Unfortunately, those pictures are still in the hands of my ex-girlfriend's lawyers (who knew it was illegal to send nudes while under a restraining order??) so I thought I'd instead make your afternoon a tad brighter with some new pics of David Beckham.
Leelee Sobieski's boobs are fun-tastic!
Leelee Sobieski seemed to be in every single movie I rented a few years ago (minus Anal Intruders I thru IX and Weekend at Bernie's). But lately she's been no where to be seen, thankfully she's re-emerged and looked amazing at this year's Director's Guild Awards....and by 'Amazing' I mean 'I sneak into her home and steal a new pair of her panties every night'...Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a perv, it's just that we're the same size and it's so convenient to take hers as opposed to going through the embarrassment of trying on women's underwear at JC Penny's...
Check out her enormous ta-tas on display here, here and here.
Paris to be charged for drug possession?
ParisExposed.com has brought a lot to our attention, her racism, ultra-sluttiness and drug use. Well it seems the authorities have noticed as well. All today rumors have been circulating rampantly that Paris is within days of being charged with (among other things) cocaine possession, under the influence of drugs and apparently she may have had enough snow to actually be charged under the intent to sell.
There have been many whispers, but local authorities have yet to comment, citing 'beating black people' as taking up too much of their time (or something like that). Updates pending...
The racist Hiltons get what they deserve
Robert Falor, the developer behind Nicky Hilton's South Beach hotel project said on Friday that he is considering pulling his money off the table because of Nicky's participation in the home video where she Paris laugh and joke whlie making racist remarks. Falor says:
'I'm very concerned about it. I'm shocked actually that she would participate in something like that...There's been some negative press on Nicky about the clothing line and the handbag line recently, now there's this issue. We're evaluating - and want to make the decision quickly - whether this is something we want to be a part of.'
Wait a second, the Hiltons will have to suffer the consequences of their actions? I had to suffer that once, like how my marathon session of 'self-pleasure' resulted in 5th degree burns and a very very sick chimpanzee. Try explaining THAT to your doctor...and zoologist....
Ben Stiller and Jesus Cruise are....The Hardy Boys???
Tom Cruise is reportedly talking to Ben Stiller about co-starring with him in an updated version of the classic The Hardy Boys. Shawn Levy who directed Ben in Night at the Museum is also in talks to helm the movie once production begins this October. The film is tentatively called The Hardy Men and will follow the boys as men.
Apparently, Jesus Cruise is hoping that comedy will make the public forget that he's nuts and make him box office King again. Yeah right, he thinks making a movie called The Hardy Men is going to get his mojo back? This sounds like gay porn..why not just called it The Hardy Men who Have Sex with Eachother or maybe Brokeback Mountain II? Please, he could barely hide his boner in his scenes with Jamie Foxx in Collateral...
Apparently, Jesus Cruise is hoping that comedy will make the public forget that he's nuts and make him box office King again. Yeah right, he thinks making a movie called The Hardy Men is going to get his mojo back? This sounds like gay porn..why not just called it The Hardy Men who Have Sex with Eachother or maybe Brokeback Mountain II? Please, he could barely hide his boner in his scenes with Jamie Foxx in Collateral...
Lindsay Lohan off the wagon
In this recent video Lindsay Lohan has been boozing it up yet again with every one's favorite racist herself, Paris Hilton.
I can't really fault Lindsay, I mean I've just found out that they don't serve drinks in rehab. No, really! I don't blame her one bit for taking off, the chick needs to be drunk 9 nights of the week after all. If she wasn't drunk, how would she explain yelling at the dumpster in that alley to give her back her purse? Damn Oscar - get back in that trash can!
All of last night's Super Bowl ads
Being Canadian and having to live without the American feed while watching the Super Bowl, I missed a number of these bad boys last night - or perhaps I didn't...after all that drinking I could have witnessed the Kennedy assassination and figured I was at a Tupperware party. Because well all know how insane THOSE parties get....
The SuperBowl ads are all here!
Jessica Simpson's new look
When I initially saw this picture I was going to put the headline in all caps and perhaps re-arrange the letters so that it would instead of 'Jessica Simpson's new look' it would read 'Mannequin comes back to life, dawns 80's make-up and has sex with John Mayer!!' But then I didn't. Enjoy the pic friends, there are lots more of the new (tranny) look here.
Mariah Carey's Playboy cover
Ah, the sexiness that is Photoshop. Seriously, you could take the cover of Soldier of Fortune and turn it into a Playmate if you really wanted to. It's like the tech nerds now all have these superpowers which allows them to make fug girls hot again. Yikes.
But trust me friends, she is not this good looking - I should know considering I wake up next to her each morning....and by 'next to her' I mean 'waking up in a pool of my own vomit and empty beer bottles'.
Jesus Cruise: playing straight in Miami
On Feb 3rd, Jesus Cruise and his beard Katie Holmes were seen inside the Ocean Drive/Market America Super Bowl XLI party in the South Beach section of Miami Beach.
Is it any surprise that he makes Katie dress up like she could be his stunt double in Mission Impossible 3? Yech. The man is as egotistical as he is gay...I mean, I'd sleep with myself if I could too, but that would just make me bi. Not gay.
More Brooke Hogan
Hulkamania continues. For my 300th post I ask the following: is she or isn't she hot? Some days it's tranny, other days it's not bad. Minus her large testicles, she might not be that bad. Thoughts? (thanks to Perez for the pic)
Halloween comes early, it's Mickey Rourke
Aren't the Swiss working out a euthanasia bill to address killing hideous people like this? I've seen less scary monsters when me and my brother took our row boat to Pirate's Cove to solve the mystery of old man Higgin's family jewels. Rubies indeed, rubies indeed...YARRR!
Fergie and Brooke Hogan
Seriously these girls have bigger balls then me. Here's Fergie Ferg and Brooke Hogan at Maxim's Super Bowl party in Miami yesterday. Sleeping with either of these girls is just steps away from gay porn.
More of the 'ladies' (I use that term as loosely as possible) here.
Denise Richards loves blow
I was having difficulty understanding why Denise Richards was dating flabby Richie Sambora, but now it all makes sense, she's too f'ing high to know what she's doing. Check out pictures of Richards snorting some cocaine and playing it off like it was nothing. And here's a pic of Denise with white residue under her nose.
I've got to hand it to Richie Sambora for scoring such a sweet grade 'A' piece of ass. I'm with you brother, I've got my PHD in picking up high chicks it's just too bad my parole officer doesn't let me within 50 feet of any woman.
Mena Suvari's hair helmet
We can now successfully delete this girl from the spank bank. What the hell was Mena Suvari thinking at the Mercedes-Benz fashion event? She's looking like her hairstylist had a stroke right in the middle of cutting her hair. Yech!
More of the mismatched couple
Oh god, this is just wrong. I totally regret throwing my panties up on the stage during that Bon Jovi show...errr...I mean MY GIRLFRIEND threw HER panties on stage.
Regardless, Denise Richards looks too hot for him, I swear - if I was stuck in the arctic I would totally cut him open like a Tantan* just to stay warm, that man's fat could keep a family of 7 warm for 36 years!! (36 years is an exact calculation...I'm a serious f'ing scientist)
*forgive the nerdy Star Wars reference, I'm not a virgin...honest....
Girls Gone Wild!!
...over Mayo?? What the hell is happening in this picture of Katharine McPhee and Rachael Ray? I'm assuming Rachael is having some type of epileptic seizure and Katharine, assuming the seizure is fatal, is planning to eat Rachael in some type of cannibalistic BLT. Or they just could be laughing. Either one is plausible.
Danny Bonaduce stole my shirt
Seriously. What the hell is this? Danny Bonaduce showed up topless to Podfitness.com's TV launch party yesterday apparently to either show off his new abs or because he can no longer afford clothing. I don't know if this will become a trend, but I sure hope so - I mean, if everyone with rippling abs had to walk around topless all the time I would save a fortune in shirts!
But really, what is it with this old-school sitcom stars? The get big, fizzle out, get hooked on drugs then all of a sudden start thinking 'black tie' means 'dyeing your treasure trail black'. Gross.
