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Top ten reasons why Tom Cruise didn't marry you...

On the heels of yet another hollywood sham marriage, here is a list of my top ten reasons why Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes and not you:

10. You refused to use 'Highway to the Dangerzone' as your wedding song.
9. You have a vagina.
8. You have a moral issue regarding breaking your legs prior to the ceremony to appear shorter then Tom.
7. Because you know no matter how long you're married you'll never replace Goose...or Iceman...or any of those guys in the Top Gun shirtless volleyball scene...
6. He doesn't find your placenta as tasty as Katie's....(perhaps he should try to season it with A1 sauce...that's great on EVERYTHING! read 'bout it here)
5. Because you refer to your straight relationship with Tom as "Mission Impossible IV"
4. You won't let him jump on the furniture.
3. You don't know any Scientology themed bedtime stories to help put Tom to sleep.
2. Because you refused to wear the Brad Pitt mask while you're 'being intimate'.
1. You're not a gay man.